My Bill Murray Groundhog Day Kiss

I’m not usually a lucky person. The slot machines I play are sure to be clinkety-clank-less, the numbers on my raffle tickets go unannounced, and, truth be told, I’ve never even had an opportunity to shout the word “Bingo” . . . unless, of course, it was his name-o.

So when I got kissed by Bill Murray at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-am Golf Tournament, they had to call the fire department to get me down from Cloud 9.

“No, you idiot, that’s Cloud 8!”

The whole thing would have never happened had I not stepped on the toes of a good-natured, somewhat tipsy Englishman while trying to get a glimpse of Clint Eastwood at the fifth hole at Spyglass -; breaking the ice between the Englishman and I, while simultaneously breaking most of his toes.

Not the exact Englishman  but gawdawful like him.

Clint proceeded to hit a ball that landed squarely on the green. Now, for secretive, humorous reasons known only to the British, this sent my new Broken Toed Buddy into a fit of laughter and ear-splitting wise-crack-ery; the likes of which can only be achieved after enjoying a hearty three-martini breakfast.

Take a Mulligan, Clint!” The English One advised and began to chant. “Mulli! Mulli! Mulli!” Finally, Clint turned to him and assuming his famous Dirty Harry persona (at least that’s what I assumed he was assuming) replied“Yeah, OK,” a comment to which the gallery responded with an explosion of laughter so uproarious, I was left to conclude that everybody there was British.

Then . . . suddenly . . . like a Cinderella story out of nowhere – weaving his way through the throngs to the tee—appeared The Great and Powerfully Funny, Bill Murray, Himself.

Bill Murray signing autographs at the AT&T Pro Am Pebble Golf Tournment
The Great and Powerfully Funny Bill Murray, Himself!

“Look! It’s Bill Murray!” I observed with all the subtlety of Lucy Ricardo spotting William Holden at the Brown Derby. My English Buddy didn’t miss a beat. “Hey Bill!” He screamed over the crowd. “This lady would like a kiss!”

Bill Murray responded by slowly turning around like he was Moe Fine hearing the dreaded phrase “Niagara Falls!” As he headed my way, the crowd was giddy with anticipation. I know it’s weird and maybe I’ve been watching too much I Love Lucy but what was running through my head at that exact moment was, “Wait until Ethel hears about this!”

Then, Bill Murray positioned himself in front of me and politely waited for the crowd to get their cameras ready and when the time was right . . .

Getting a kiss from Bill Murray
BINGO!

. . . suddenly the AT&T golf tournament faded away, and it was just me and my lips and Bill Murray kissing me . . . with his lips. I don’t know how long we kissed. It could have been an instant or it could have been an hour or possibly four or five hours (but I doubt it) that I was suspended in the bliss of Bill Murray’s kiss.

On the drive home, I suddenly realized it was February 2nd which meant – that’s right – I got kissed by Bill Murray on Groundhog day. And in the immortal the words of Carl the Greens keeper — after he was granted total consciousness on his deathbed by the Dali Lama –I thought:

So I got that going for me . . . which is nice.”

Bill Murray as Carl the Greens Keeper

Until next time . . . I love you (and that goes double for Bill Murray)

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Murmuring Mumblers

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in  biblical times.

But Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door  and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Moses:  So are the people in Canaan  going to be hard to slaughter or easy?

Spy:    Icksnay on the easy-ay

Moses:  Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.

Spy:  Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.

Moses:    I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .

Spy:  Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?

Moses:   That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?

Spy:  Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket,  see how big he is?

Moses: Oh my gosh!

Spy:  Yeah, well  that’s how big we are compared to the people we are supposed to slaughter.

Moses:  Uh oh . . .

Spy:  Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Moses:  Oy!  And what does suffice mean again?

Spy:  It means they are going to whoop our donkeys!

Moses:  I  don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.

Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t going to go to war.

Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?

Spy:  Yes and mumbled it too.

Moses:  Oy!  But what about the washed masses?

Spy:  Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?

Moses:  No.

Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses  didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, so Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention for God.

Moses pointed out to the Lord, that if the  Lord killed everybody,  He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering  prayers and whatnot.

But the Lord was unmoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan.  Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished  in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got a good dousing of raid Raid Ant and Israelite Spray.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory.  Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!

Until next time . . . I love you

the Murmuring Mumblers

Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Strokes, Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Linda’s Fashion Recommendations

Hello Dear Readers!  It hit me like a ton of bricks that this blog has never taken it upon itself to discuss fashion.  I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell you!  So without any further delay, here are some outfits that this blog highly recommends:

 The I Wanna Hold Your Hand If I Can Find It Sweater

awkwardly posing in a sweater
“Who can’t put their arms around a four-arm sweater?”

Say goodbye to those inferior two-arm sweaters once and for all, Dear Readers!  Having to put your arms in the same old arm holes day after day is for suckers.  This sweater will revolutionize your world especially if you happen to be a  Type A personality!  Now you can vacuum with one hand, and drink a glass of milk with the other — all while your sweater is hugging people goodbye!

The outfit that makes you want to dance!

A woman in a striped black and white sweater
Now you can look just as good leaving as you did coming!

Are you tired of only looking like a million bucks from the front, but then when you turn around to leave, you look like a buck fifty?  Looking bad from the back is for suckers!  Here’s an ensemble that will revolutionize how you look at 360 degrees 24/7/365.  You’ll be so happy you’ll want to dance everywhere you go!

It’s Not Just an Outfit; It’s a Pot Holder!

Girl wearing a shirt and shorts out of potholders
Sexy Pot Holder Girl

Are you tired of always misplacing your pot holders and not being able to find them so you use your bare hands instead to remove that roast from the oven and end up in the burn unit at your local hospital?  Being in the burn unit is for suckers! Here’s an outfit that will revolutionize oven safety.  All you need now is a strong set of abs so that everything in the oven can be removed with your stomach all while, at the same time, making  you look quite fetching!

Twin Outfits for Twins Who Don’t Want to Look Alike Because They Aren’t Twins

women posing in sweaters and hats
Unidentical Twin Outfits

Are you tired of being mistook for your twin when you don’t even have a twin?  Getting mistook for your twin is for suckers!  These outfits will revolutionize individualism.  Whether your style is to sneak into the park wearing a sailor hat in the dead of night to pick every single daffodils just cuz — or whether your style is more along the lines of a wanna-be 1903 motorist adventurer with a bad attitude, these outfits scream I AM NOT A TWIN!  And if that doesn’t make the people in your life want to re-think their relationship with you, nothing will!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this blog’s fashion recommendations.  Please accept my apology for having waited so long to get around to it!

Until next time . . . I love you

Another Attempt to Cheer up Edgar Allan Poe

Hello Dear Readers.  Sadly, it’s not always good times here at the blog.  Sometimes we have to take time out from our fun to try to cheer up America’s most celebrated crybaby creative writer,  Edgar Allan Poe.

 The Boo-hoo Boy, himself, Edgar Allen Poe
The Boo-hoo Boy, himself

So Edgar, what have you been up to lately?  I hear you thought up another good idea for a story.  Do you mind if I ask where the idea came from?

“It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived it haunted me day and night.”

Well,  don’t let this hurt your feelings Edgar, but your brain is freakishly large, so it probably catches a lot ideas, it’s casting a big net as it were.  But it doesn’t need to haunt you day and night, why don’t you go over to Nathaniel Hawthorn’s house and play Parcheesi. You had fun last time, didn’t you?

I loved the old man.  He had never wronged me.  He had never given me insult.  For his gold I had no desire.

Well, great!  It sounds like you and Nathaniel had a lot in common then, so what’s the problem?

I think it was his eye! yes, it was this! He had the eye of a vulture — a pale blue eye with a film over it.  Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold.

Well now listen, Edgar, everybody has their little idiosyncrasies.  Look at you with the freakishly large brain.  I bet Nat didn’t hold that against you?  You’d be happier if you were less judgmental.

I made up my mind to take the life of the old man, thus rid myself of the eye forever . . .

Ha ha Edgar!  That’s the spirit!  A little joking goes a long way to brightening up one’s mood!

But you should have seen me.  You should have seen how wisely I proceeded — with what caution — with what foresight — with what dissimulation I went to work.

Ha ha Edgar!   Oh I’m so glad you’re finally learning how to be a bit more playful.   And what a straight face you’re keeping too!

I made up my mind to take the life of the old man, and thus rid myself of the eye forever  . . .

Ha ha ha!   I think you might have just stumbled upon your inner comedian, Edgar!

I turn the latch of his door and opened it — oh so gently! and then, when I had made an opening sufficient for my head . . .

You mean because of your freakishly large brain?  ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  . . . Oh I’m laughing so hard, Edgar, my sides are hurting . . .

It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as he lay upon his bed.

Ah hahahahaha!  Oh that funny melon head of yours!  Ha ha ha!

And I did this for seven long nights . . .

Look at you, Edgar!   I am so proud of you! I think you are actually cheered up this time.  In fact, let’s just cancel that cheering-up appointment for next Tuesday, shall we?

With a loud yell, I threw open the lantern and leaped into the room.  He shrieked once — once only.  In an instant I dragged him to the floor, and pulled the heavy bed over him . . . his eye would trouble me no more.

Okay, well, anyway, I gotta get going.  Nice chatting with you.

He was stone dead.  His eye would trouble me no more.

Oh. Well, as long as you’re feeling better, that’s the important thing, I guess.  But maybe we better keep that cheering-up appointment after all.   How does next Tuesday at 2:45 work for you?

Join us next Tuesday at 2:45 Dear Readers, when we will be continuing our ongoing effort to cheer up Edgar Allan Poe.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Fishing Jesus Style

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Gregory goes to Sunday School Every week, then comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesFishing Jesus Style

One day, while Jesus was walking along the beach and soaking up some rays at the Sea of Galilee,  He saw two brothers who were fishermen. One was named Simon who everybody called Peter and one was named Andrew who everybody called Andy.

The fishermen were casting their fishing nets into the sea to catch some fish to take home to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and a bedtime snack when Jesus climbed into Simon’s boat.

At least Jesus assumed it was Simon’s boat since it said Simon’s Bad Habit on the side in Hebrew.  Jesus explained that He would like to teach the people standing on the shore from the venue of Simon’s fishing boat.

Jesus recruiting the Simon Peter and Andrew

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Jesus: Hi Simon!  I’m Jesus.  Would you mind if I lecture the people who have gathered on the shore from you fishing boat.

Simon: Not at all!  But it’s kind of messy, and  I don’t have a podium or anything.

Jesus:  Not a problem.  It’s really more of an informal talk than a lecture anyway, Simon.

Simon: Sure that would be terrific. Oh and Jesus? Call me Peter, everybody does.”

But Jesus didn’t hear Peter say this as He had already started giving His talk. After that Jesus had some instructions for Simon:

Jesus:  Push the boat out further to the deep water, and you and your partners can let down your nets for a catch, Simon.”

Simon: Sure, Jesus, I’d be happy to do that, but it’s Peter.

Jesus: Where?

Simon:  No I mean, I’m Peter.

Jesus:  Then who’s Simon?”

Simon:  I’m Simon.

Jesus: But you just said you were Peter.

Simon: I am Peter.  My name’s Simon but everybody calls me Peter.

Jesus: Why?

Simon:  I don’t know.  I was hoping maybe you’d know, Jesus.

Jesus: I have no idea, Simon.

Simon: It’s Peter.

Jesus: Where?

After that Peter and his brother, Andy, let down their nets and caught such a large number of fish, their nets were about to break.  So they motioned to the fishermen in the next boat to row over and help. All the fishermen started piling the fish into their boats until their boats were so full, they were about to sink.

At that point Simon Peter fell on his knees on top of all the fish. (Even back then fishermen had no problem kneeling on fish)

Simon: “Go away from me, Lord! I am a sinful man!”

Jesus:  Don’t be afraid. From now on you will be catching men.

Simon:  You mean mermen, Jesus?” (Simon Peter was never the  brightest fisherman in the boat.)

Jesus: “No just regular men, Simon.”

Simon: “It’s Peter.”

Jesus: “Where?”

Then they pulled their boats up on the beach and left  them and all the fish and  followed Jesus. Which was fine with the fisherman since they were all thoroughly sick of fish anyway.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please come back next week for another edition Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Until next time . . . I love you