Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Ezekiel had an unusual experience.  Let’s listen in as he recounts the story for us.

Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

One day the prophet Ezekiel was relaxing down by the Chebar river in Babylonia where he was hanging out with some of his exiled Jewish  buddies enjoying some Chebar cheese when, suddenly, there was a tremendous rumble.

At first he thought it was just his stomach rumbling from eating too much Chebar cheese, but he soon realized the noise was coming from the sky.

He looked up and was amazed to see a UFBO (unidentified flying biblical object).

He fell face down and heard a voice calling him.

God:  Mortal Man stand up I want to talk to you.

Ezekiel:  Do I have to get up?  I’m really comfortable right now.

God:  I am sending you to the people of Israel.

Ezekiel:  May I ask why?

God:  They have rebelled against me and turned against me and are still rebels just as their ancestors were. So I am sending you to tell them what I, the sovereign lord, am saying to them.

Ezekiel:  Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly over there in your UFBO and tell them Yourself?

God: They are stubborn and do not respect me so I am sending you instead.

Ezekiel:  Okay let me get this straight. You, the sovereign lord, who is flying around the holy land in Your UFBO can’t get the Israelites to listen to you or respect you so you’re sending me instead, a guy who is currently unemployed, slightly overweight and living down by the river?  Do you really think I’m up to the job?

God: Just tell the people of Israel whatever I tell you to tell them. But don’t be afraid of them even though they will despise you and even though it will feel like you are living among scorpions.

Ezekiel:  Well okay,  but scorpions are my least favorite insect.

God:  Scorpions really?  That’s refreshing. Most people say spiders.  Anyway, open your mouth and eat this.

Ezekiel:  What is it?

God:    A scroll upon which cries of grief, wails and moans are written on both sides.

Ezekiel:  No thanks I’m allergic to papyrus.

God:   It’s chocolate covered . . . .

Ezekiel:  Oh in that case, don’t mind if I do!

Ezekiel ate the scroll. (It gave him hives but God pretended not to notice.) Then God’s spirit lifted Ezekiel and carried him to another spot by the Chebar River where Ezekiel resumed eating Chebar cheese and hanging out with different group of his exiled Jewish buddies.

Seven days later God showed up again

God: Okay, here’s the deal.  If I announce that an evil man is going to die, it’s going to be your job to warn him.  If you don’t warn him to change his ways and he dies a sinner, I will hold you responsible for his death but if you do warn him and he doesn’t stop sinning he’ll die a sinner but your life will be spared. Got that?

Ezekiel:  Uh . . .well . . .  uh . . .

God:  Now get up and go into the valley and I will talk to you there.

Ezekiel:  But I just got comfortable.

God:   . . . ahem . . .

Ezekiel :  Okay okay but can I at least bring my Chebar cheese with?

God:  If you must.

Ezekiel:  Say you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of those delicious chocolate-covered scrolls  would you?

God: Yes but you can’t have any.

Ezekiel:  Why?

God:  They’re too fattening.

Ezekiel:  What are you implying?  I’ve been eating too much Chebar Cheese?

God: All I can say is that last statement of yours needs no question mark.

Eziekiel:  Well!  I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life!

God:  That robe of yours is getting awfully tight . . . just sayin’.  So anyway, next I’m going to want you to  go home and shut yourself up in the house and I’ll tie you up with ropes so you won’t be able to go out in public then I’m going to paralyze your tongue.

Eziekiel:   Wait . . . is this some sort of new-fangled diet?

God:  I’ll tell you next week in Part II.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out  what God asks of Ezekiel next and whether or not Ezekiel will lose weight and overcome his papyrus allergy.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Ezekiel's_vision
What? You want me to eat that? Well, I’d much prefer some Chebar cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh. . . no offense, but that chocolate kinda looks like water stains.
Uh. . . no offense, but that chocolate kinda looks like water stains.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Giddy Easy

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m practically giddy.  I can’t wait to show you all the offers that came in my mailbox yesterday for little ol’ moi! (I get giddy easy.)

Let’s start with this offer from  Xfinity, shall we?

 

Xfinity offer

 Okay, nice try to get me on board with your finity, Xfinity.  

I noticed you are now calling yourself  “the future of awesome” I’m sorry but I kinda don’t think you are.

Hey, I wasn’t going to say anything but you started it by sending me your offer to let me sign up for 2-year contract wherein you will be giving me a ton of channels that I’m never going to watch for $89 for the first year without mentioning how much you are going to raise that price in the second year.

Oh, wait, I see that in order to make your offer less lame, you are also offering to make my internet faster.  But it’s already so fast that if I click on something it appears right away. Does it really need to be faster than that?  I’m just asking Xfinity. (Can I call you X?)

X!  Listen to reason! Wouldn’t that be like paying the power company extra if I want my light bulb to light up faster than the speed of light?

Well you just take your time to answer, X.  It must be a heavy burden being the future of awesome.  Just keep repeating to yourself “I am the future of awesome” until it finally makes sense. You can do it X.  I have faith in you.  (If you need me I’ll be on the phone with my power company negotiating my commission for a little idea I want to pitch to them . . .)

Okay, Hearing Aid Company, you don’t have to get all shouty.  You’re not even sure if I’m deaf yet.  I know you’re hoping I am, but calm down!

 

Shouty Hearing Aid Junk Mail
Huh?

Okay this sounds  seems like a pretty good deal.  They’re saying you get to try their hearing aid for three whole weeks to see if it works. But shouldn’t you be able to tell in, say, three minutes?  I guess they are hoping that even if you can’t hear any better, if you wear the thing for three whole weeks you’ll become so attached to it, kind of like your favorite teddy bear (only one you stuff in your ears) you’ll be compelled to buy it.

A word of caution however.  The small print says: certain types of hearing loss may require a hearing aid model that is not appropriate for the three-week free trial.  

They must mean certain types of hearing loss that occur when you have potatoes growing out of your ears, I suppose, or maybe certain types of hearing loss that occur when you can’t hear anything because your ears are being plugged by hearing aids.

 

Okay here’s something that’s just downright disturbing!

A% & % U-Verse High Speed Internet
Eerie junk mail stalking

Do you see where some weirdo junk mail stalker has written “Wow great idea!” “This could really save money!” and “Why wait? I’m calling today?”  Oh yeah?  Well butt out weirdo junk mail stalker!  This junk mail is for ME.  Get your own junk mail!

 

Hey Lookee!   I am now a professional woman!  FINALLY!

National Association of Professional Women

Okay, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little.  I’m not a professional woman quite yet.  But my membership as a professional woman has been approved!  Yup.  I’m gonna network, I’m gonna learn, I’m gonna save.  Now all I have to do is make some powerful connections, build my personal brand and sit back and watch the money roll in!

 I’m gonna be rich, Baby!

I knew it would all happen for me some day.  I never gave up hope that my status as a woman would someday reach the level of professional. After all, I’ve got 10,000 hour thing covered and them some! It was only a matter of time before National Association of Professional Woman came a knockin’.   I’m getting giddy just thinking about it!   (Did I mention I get giddy easy?)

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

For Your Coloring Pleasure: Current Events Coloring Pages

Hello and Welcome Dear Readers! Today seems like a real good day for some current events coloring pages (gleaned from today’s obscure headlines) for your coloring pleasure! So get out your color crayons everybody and let’s get started, shall we?

Obscure Headline # 1:

Contrary to Popular Belief, Human Hands Are Not as Evolved as Chimpanzee Hands

Kurtis Hiatt from The George Washington University, tells us that from a purely evolutionary perspective, our hands represent a much more primitive anatomical structure when compared to the hands of  chimpanzees.

Apparently our hands have changed very little from that of our last common ancestor while chimpanzees have evolved significantly.

A finding which would finally explain why chimps are much better at knitting than humans are.

The More Significantly Evolved Chimpanzee Hand Coloring Page

Chimpanzee hand volunteering to knit

Obscure Headline #2:

Zoo Animals Monitored for Earthquake Clues

A popular zoo in China has become the focus of an unusual new earthquake prediction experiment.

It has long been thought that animals can predict earthquakes by sensing subtle changes in air pressure and other indicators, and now a group of researchers in China have decided to put the idea to the ultimate test by monitoring the behavior of 200 pigs and 2,000 chickens.

Whether or not any conclusive results will come from these observations remains to be seen.

The Chinese Researchers Monitoring Chickens to See if They May Be Sensing an Earthquake Coloring Page

Chinese Earthquake Researchers

 

Obscure Headline #3

Ancient Greeks Took Steps to Deter Zombies

The concept of the dead rising from their graves is certainly not unique to today.

In a cemetery near the coastal town of Kamarina in southeastern Sicily, archaeologists discovered bodies that the ancient Greeks had deliberately pinned down using heavy objects to ensure that would never rise from the dead.

Tablets transcribed with spells and curses were also found at the graves.

The Ancient Greeks’ Conclusion that Zombies Are Real Coloring Page

 Plato and Socrates discussing Zombies

 

 

Obscure Headline #4

A Drunk Man in China Hospitalized After Mistaking a Bowl of Liquid Concrete for a Bowl of Sesame Paste.

A resident of Nanjing in China’s Jiangsu province made headlines this week after he managed to eat a substantial quantity of newly mixed concrete after deciding the contents were edible.

Doctors pumped his stomach and were amazed that he survived due to the fact that the concrete had set while it was in his stomach.

Despite his ordeal, however, the man is expected to make a full recovery.

The Man Who Ate A Bowl Of Wet Cement He Thought Was Sesame Paste Coloring Page

Chinese man eats bowl of wet cement

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Hopefully these coloring pages will keep you busy for a while. 

Until next time, I love you

 

11 Ways to Tell If You’re Spending Too Much Time with Your Horse

When someone asks you your age, you respond by stomping one foot the appropriate number of times.

" . . . 37, 38, 39, 40  . . . " "Okay, Okay, you know what?  I don't even care anymore."
37, 38, 39, 40 . . . 
“Okay, Okay, you know what? I don’t even care anymore.”

Instead of using a mirror, you’ve taken to applying your makeup in the reflection of your horse’s eye.

You're going to wear that much blush, seriously?
You’re going to wear that much blush, seriously?

You think the best thing anybody could ever do is bale on you!

“What? For moi? THANK YOU!”

You often miss work due to coming up lame.

No I didn't say I can't come to work because I'm lame.  I can't come in because I came up lame.  What's that? Yes, there's a difference!
No I didn’t say I can’t come in because I’m so lame. I said I can’t come in because I came UP lame. What’s that? Yes, there’s a difference!

Sometimes you secretly want to bite your hairdresser when she’s brushing your hair.

I could so totally bite her right now.

All your shopping trips are reduced to the same question: Where can I find the carrots?

"Did you find everything you were looking for?" "Yeah pretty much."
“Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“Yeah pretty much.”

You’ve taken to nailing your shoes on too!

“Oh yeah they hurt . . . but they won’t come off!”

The term branding has taken on a whole new meaning (and it’s something you’re seriously considering).

“No wait!  I said I’m just considering it!

You want with all your heart for two plus two to equus four.

Anyone? Anyone?
“2 + 2 equus . . . Anyone? Anyone?”

If startled; you’ve been known to start a stampede.

“What was that noise?  I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”

And finally:

You’re thinking about changing your business cards from entrepreneur to entremanure.

“Yes, may I please speak to the Entremanure?”

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Lady MacBlump’s Peculiar Love

Lady Mildred Madonna Anita MacBlump

Wasn’t fat nor obese, she was pleasingly plump

 

She pined for Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

He was thin as a rail and always uneasy

 

Now Mildred MacBlump, she liked eating vermilion

And soft ice cream cones, it would seem, by the million

 

Whenever Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

Laid eyes on the sight of ice cream he got queasy

 

Lord Luther Wisconsin asked Mildred to marry

She asked him, “But aren’t you allergic to dairy?”

 

But Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie replied,

“Of course not Dear Lady!” (he quite blatantly lied)

 

And so Luther and Mildred were quickly conjoined

And ate steak after steak at the wedding (sirloined)

 

How much they enjoyed their wedded-bliss dream!

Until someone suggested they serve some ice cream

 

In the end, all it took was the smallest of bites

To extinguish Lord Luther Parcheesie’s night lights

 

And so Mildred MacBlump she just stiffened her lip

And heroically finished her Mint Chocolate Chip

Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie and Lady Mildred Anita Madonna MacBlump

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flipping Through The Slightly-Creepy Seventies

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, if you’re not feeling a little nauseous already, I thought it might be fun to flip through this House Beautiful Magazine from everyone’s favorite icky decade:  The Slightly Creepy Seventies!

House Beautiful 1975
Isn’t this bedroom eye-crossingly wonderful? But it needs something more, don’t you think?  To really give it that Slightly Creepy Seventies flair? Like a focal point of some kind . . . 

But what kind of a focal point?  Hm. . . .

img228
Okay! That’s what the Slightly Creepy Seventies is talking about! Because there’s nothing like the addition of a weird, eerie male bedspread model to give any 70’s decor that much needed splash of slightly creepy!

Now let’s turn to the next page shall we?  Ready?  (I’ll wait if you want to pop a Pepto Bismal.)

Overly Cheerful Family Room slightly creepy seventies
Whoa! Obviously, the Slightly Creepy Seventies had the highest tolerance for decorative cheerfulness than all the other decades put together.

Now, this room is a good example of what happened back in the 70’s when your Slightly-Creepy Seventies Interior Decorator scarfed down a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums and washed it down with a great big pitcher of ice-cold LSD for breakfast and then rushed over and redecorated your family room while in the throws of a cheerfulness overdose.

Actually, Cheerfulness Overdose was a common problem in the Slightly Creepy Seventies.  In fact, more interior decorators were buried with huge grins on their faces in the Slightly Creepy Seventies than any other decade in history!

So I guess you could say there’s an upside to everything.

Hey!  Look what awaits us on the next page . . . 

img232
  Yes, you’re seeing that correctly.  It’s a rocking chair on the beach. And why not?  After all, life in the Slightly Creepy Seventies was stranger than it’s ever been before or since.

And speaking of rocking chairs on the beach, I think I vaguely remember a Brady Bunch Episode involving a rocking chair/beach incident: I’ll try to retell it as best I can from memory:

Mike Brady: MarshaMarshaMarsha!  Peter! Greg! Cindy! and Whatever the rest of your names are!  We’ve driven 87 hours and we are finally at the beach!

MarshaMarshMarsha:  But Dad, we live somewhere in LA.  Why did it take us 87 hours to get here?  The Pacific Ocean is just down the street.

Mike Brady:  What? 

Carol Brady:  Oh Mike, you did it again. Hahahahahaha!  You turned left when you should have turned right!  Hahahahaha! We’re not at the Pacific Ocean, children, we’re at the Atlantic Ocean! Hahahahahaha!

Mike Brady:  Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Alice:  Hahahahahaha!  I’ll lug the rocking chair down to the beach while you Bradys wait in the car and laugh.

Carol Brady:  Hahahhahaha—

Alice:  Wait a minute!  Hold the landphone! The rocking chair’s not here!  Somebody forgot it!  I’m not one to point fingers but I think it was MarshaMarshaMarsha.

Mike Brady:  Well, kids, it looks like we’re turning around and driving 87 hours home to get it.  Hahahhahaha.

Carol Brady:  But wait Mike, you left MarshaMarshaMarsha at the Atlantic Ocean.

Mike Brady:  Hahahahhahahaha!

Carol Brady:  Hahahahahahaha!

Say now, this next item looks interesting. 

img235

Her name was Betty Knowles and she lost 4 pounds and 6 inches off her waist in only eight days back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies using this lever and pulley exercise contraption. Unfortunately, once  Betty got it all set up and herself situated inside of it, she could never figure out how to get out.   Eight days later Betty was not only  much, much slimmer, but also, she wasn’t wasting valuable time breathing or having a pulse anymore. Unfortunately she wasn’t found until last week about a quarter to five.

Sure, it was a sad Slightly Creepy Seventies demise for poor Betty Knowles, but the good news is she has been chosen as the main attraction at the Smithsonian Institute’s much anticipated upcoming exhibit:  Mummified Peoples of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.

Proving once again there’s an upside to everything!

Well, Dear Readers, that’s it for today.  If you need me I’ll be down at the Pacific Ocean.  I’ll be the one sitting in the rocking chair eating a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums.

Until next time . . . I love you

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

 

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity DogIrena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

In the parlance of engines was merely a cog

 

In the gearshift of life she was quite unexciting

(She had nothing to do with, say, spark plugs igniting)

 

Her job was more blah, more boring, more simple

She was put on this earth to showcase her dimple

 

And stand on her tiptoes with arms stretched apart

While posing for drawings of horrible art

 

Oh if only the artist could draw her an ocean

She’d sit by the sea and imagine the motion

 

Or maybe the artist could draw her Mt. Zion

She could hike to the top with a leash on a lion

 

Is it any surprise that Irena’s not pompous

When the drawings of her are so catty and wampus?

 

Is it safe to assume that she’ll never be seen

Staring up from the pages of Vogue magazine?

 

Poor Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

She’s destined forever to live in this blog