The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves.  Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

After Aaron and Moses’s  presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys —  had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.

It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing:  The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.

The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:

Aaron:  I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?

Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?

Aaron:  I don’t think we have time.  Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh.  There’s still plenty of millet though.

Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.

Later on the banks of the Nile:

Moses:  Well, hello Pharaoh!  Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile.  I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you.  Observe!

Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.

Moses:  Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  I didn’t sleep very good last night.

Aaron:  Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?

Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.

Moses:  And these frogs are going to get into everything.  Your baking pans, your ovens,  you beds, your little skirts . . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Big Hairy Deal.  What else you got in the box?

Moses:  Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats?  Really mean gnats!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.   You’re kidding right?

Moses:  Okay, maybe not gnats.   But flies!  What about flies!!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  You’re threatening me with flies?  Seriously?

Moses:  Uh . . . oh!  Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!

Pharaoh:   Uh huh.  I’ve never been big on animals. What else?

Moses:  Boils?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Everybody’s already got boils.

Moses:  Okay how about hail then?  Hail that will hit the boils and sting!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo.   What else?

Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Actually, I enjoy both.  Is that it?

Moses:  There’s just one last thing.  A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot.  It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and  I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.

With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid.  Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.

Moses:  Come on Aaron.  Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.

Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight?  Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?

Moses:  What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar?  Are you out of your mind Aaron?

Horus the egyptian god

Pigeons

A Message from The OMG Life Insurance Company

Dear Person Who Will Be Dying Sooner Rather Than Later,

Welp.  Looks like you’ll be dying soon.  But before you go, you might want to consider giving some money to us, The OMG Life Insurance Company.

Here at the OMG Life Insurance Company, we make it our personal business to pry into your personal business.  Why?  Because the facts are clear.  You ARE GOING TO DIE and when you do WE WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY OFF IT.

YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS GUARANTEED!

That’s right. Absolutely everyone is accepted.  There are absolutely no medical questions to answer and no medical exams suffer through.   Why? Because here at OMG Life Insurance Company, we know for a fact that, sooner or later, come hell or high water,  you’re going to be deader than a door nail.

Here’s how it works: 

If you can fog a mirror, you qualify to send us monthly payments. Yes. It’s as simple as that.  You keep your promise to die and we’ll keep our promise to give back some of the money you gave us so that you’re loved ones can use it to figure out what to do with you once you’ve kicked the bucket.

Don’t Wait!  The Sooner you Apply, The Sooner You’ll Be Covered and The Sooner You Can Die.

Oh sure you might feel fine right now, but don’t let that stop you from enclosing your very first payment to us in the pre-paid postage envelope provided.  After all, if The OMG Life Insurance Company cares enough to spring for the postage the least  you could do is send us some money every month until you die.

The United OMG Life Insurance Company would love to take this opportunity to remind you that even though you feel just fine, you’re probably not as safe as you think you are and at any moment, you could die from any the following demises: 

The Demise of Sudden Spleen Seizure causing you to double over into a ball and roll out your second story bedroom window.

The Demise of a meteorite crashing through your roof causing you to become so startled you accidentally grab the hemlock creamer instead of the regular creamer for your coffee.

The Demise of Decorative-Bed-Throw-Pillow Suffocation where instead of sending us your premium, you use it to buy that last throw pillow that finally tipped the delicate air/bed pillow ratio needle to “uh oh!

The Demise of slipping on a banana peel causing you to fall and accidentally activate the homemade bomb you were carrying out to the dumpster

The Demise of avoiding getting run over by a drunken chimpanzee driving a stolen steam roller by diving in front of an oncoming bus

The Demise of Poinsettia consumption wherein you cannot! resist! eating! your! delicious! looking! Poinsettia! one! more! second!

The OMG Life Insurance Campany is imploring you to please fill out the form below and send it in the pre-paid postage envelope along with your first payment. Then oh so carefully walk it out to your mailbox.  (We recommend you sit on the couch and wear a helmet until your first payment clears.

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Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

 

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity DogIrena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

In the parlance of engines was merely a cog

 

In the gearshift of life she was quite unexciting

(She had nothing to do with, say, spark plugs igniting)

 

Her job was more blah, more boring, more simple

She was put on this earth to showcase her dimple

 

And stand on her tiptoes with arms stretched apart

While posing for drawings of horrible art

 

Oh if only the artist could draw her an ocean

She’d sit by the sea and imagine the motion

 

Or maybe the artist could draw her Mt. Zion

She could hike to the top with a leash on a lion

 

Is it any surprise that Irena’s not pompous

When the drawings of her are so catty and wampus?

 

Is it safe to assume that she’ll never be seen

Staring up from the pages of Vogue magazine?

 

Poor Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

She’s destined forever to live in this blog

Gregory’s Bible Stories: I, Platypus

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when God had Adam name all the animals.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregoryI, Platypus

It was the very first Tuesday right after God had created Adam but just before He created Eve. God took some soil from the ground and formed all the animals and all the birds. Then He showed them to Adam.

Adam:  What’s all this?

God:  I just created all these animals and all these birds. Now I’d like you to think of names for each of them.

Adam:  But there’s so many!

God:  Yup, 1,589,361 to be exact.

Adam:  Okay let me get this straight.  You want me to cultivate the Garden of Eden and guard it plus think up 1,589,361 different animal names for all these animals you created? Not only am I only human, God, don’t forget I am the only human!

God:  LOL

Adam:  What does that mean?

God:  It’s an acronym that means laughing out loud.

Adam:  What’s laughing?

God:  Laughing. That’s  hard to explain.  Well here . . .take a look at this animal, it pretty much sums up my sense of humor.

God has a platypus on a leash and hands the leash to Adam.

Adam:  Awesome!  Fur, a bill, webbed feet!

God:  Yeah it’s venomous too which most people don’t know.

Adam:   Most people?

God:  Sorry, I got ahead of myself.  So what would you like to name it, Adam?

Adam:  How about a glerk or a floob?

God: Meh . . .

Adam:    Oh I know!  How about a  tittlefuzzwamper!

God:  Okay I like the direction you’re going in now.

Adam:  Octopus?

God: You’re getting warmer.

Adam:  Snickerdoodle . . .

God:  Keep thinkin’

Adam:  A platypus?

God:  Bingo! Good thinking Adam!

Adam:  This is fun!  What’s the next animal you want me to name?

God:  How about this one?  As you can see, it has two humps on it’s back.

Adam:  What are the humps for?

God:  Looks.

Adam: Okay then, how about a platypus?

God:  You already named the platypus the platypus.

Adam:  Oh yeah . . . well how about flatypus . . .  or . . . . oh I know . . . the  blatypus . . . oh wait . . . natypus!

God:  Sigh . . .

Adam:  What’s the matter, God?

God:  I was just thinking how long this is going to take.

Adam:  What are you complaining about?  You’re the one that’s eternal!  LOL!

God:  Adam! You made a joke!  There’s hope for you yet, young man. Now think of some more names.

Adam: Okay! How about a klatypus?

God: Keep trying.

Adam:  A blatypus then?

God:  No.

Adam:  A quatypus?

God:  Nope.

Adam:  Oh I know . . . platypus!  That’s a good name, platypus! Or did I already use that one already?  Hey what are you doing, God?

God:  Creating a chair . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week to find out what happens when Adam finds out all the insects are going to need names too.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Too Many Platypi

 

What’s New in Big Whoopsies

Today’s Big Whoopsie:

Pentagon accidentally ships Live Anthrax . . .

On May 27th, the Pentagon admitted that it had shipped live anthrax to facilities in multiple U.S. states, and to a U.S. airbase in South Korea—by accident. Anthrax is usually kept in highly secure biolabs with multiply redundant safeguards. But we’ve always known there is room for human error. —Nautilus Magazine

The possible scenario as to how this big Whoopsie happened:

Pentagon Live Anthrax Workers, Larry and Lenny
Larry and Lenny, Pentagon Live Anthrax Experts

 

Lenny:  Hey Larry whatcha eatin’?

Larry:  Dessert.

Lenny:  It looks weird, what is it?

Larry:   Creme brulee.  I make it myself.  I brought extra if you want one.

creme brulee
Larry’s killer creme brulee

Lenny:  Oh cool!  I’ll definitely try one.

Larry:  Okay.

Lenny:  Where are they?

Larry:  On that table over there.

 Lenny:  The one with the test tubes  on it?

Larry:  No the one behind it.

Lenny:  You mean the one with the beakers on it?

Larry:  No, the table in the back. I put them right next to all those Live Anthrax Petri dishes you made yesterday.

petri dish
Lenny’s Killer Live Antrax

A few minutes later:

Larry:  Well, what do you think of my creme brulee, Lenny?

Lenny:  Mm . . . this is killer creme brulee, Larry!

Larry:  Yeah, I guess you could say creme brulee is my specialty.

Lenny:  Why’d you make so many?

Larry:  I sending them to all my buddies in our nine different labs around the US and South Korea.

Lenny:  That’s really nice of you but aren’t you worried you’ll get the creme brulee and the live Anthrax mixed up?

Larry: Naaaaaa.

Lenny:  Well it’s going to cost you a fortune to ship them.

Larry:   Hahahaha!

Lenny: Why are you laughing?

Larry:  Are you kidding? Uncle Sam’s paying for it.

Lenny:  You want to know something, Larry, just between you and me?

Larry:  What?

Lenny: I haven’t paid for a single postage stamp since I started working at the Pentagon in 1992.

Lenny:  Me neither.

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you Pentagon!)

Once Again Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe

edgar allan poe

 

 

Welcome Dear Readers!  As you may know from time to time this blog takes it upon itself to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe. Join me, won’t you as we give it yet another try.

 

Hey Eddy!  What’s that you’ve got there?

the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Oh well, that’s cheery!  Bells are kind of fun.  What is it you like about them?

  How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
                In the icy air of night !

Okay. Well, listen it’s a little cold out here in the icy air of night.  How about we go inside and you can tinkle your bells indoors.

  Hear the mellow wedding bells
                     Golden bells!

Okay are you talking about different bells than the ones you’re currently tinkling? Cause I can’t hear anything over all that tinkling, Edgar!

  To the swinging and the ringing

Of what?  The wedding bells?

  Of the bells,bells, bells,

Bells, yes,  I got that part.

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Yeah yeah yeah yeah!  Got it!

                    Bells, bells, bells –

Edgar stop saying bells!

  To the swinging and the ringing
                Of the bells, bells, bells,
      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells –

Okay, Edgar you’re about one second away from getting your face slapped.

  Hear the loud alarum bells —
                         Brazen bells !

Sorry, I don’t hear any alarum bells and I don’t mean to be critical but you spelled alarm wrong and it’s such an easy word, Ed, come on!

   Oh, the bells, bells, bells !
                  What a tale their terror tells
                         Of Despair !

Okay now this is exactly what I’m talking about, Ed.  Everything was going along fine.  You were tinkling some cheery little bells and like two seconds later all of a sudden it’s nothing but terror and Despair!  Can’t you just lighten up for like ten seconds?

  In the silence of the night,
       How we shiver with affright

Affright? Okay, now you’re just flat out making up negative words!  Why not turn that frown upside down and make up some cheery words! You’d feel a lot better about things. Do you know any cheery words?

  In a happy Runic rhyme,
                To the rolling of the bells –

Okay yeah!  There you go!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

   To the rolling of the bells —
            Of the bells, bells, bells —

EDGAR!  Stop saying bells!  I’m begging you!

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Okay Edgar, that’s it.  I’m getting out the duct tape.  It’s going over your mouth right now unless you promise me you will stop saying bells.

bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells

Okay that does it, Buster!

Edgar Allan Poe Smiling

Well, at least he’s finally smiling.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The History of Lint

Welcome Dear Reader to Linda’s History Lessons.  Today’s lesson is:  The History of Lint.

Lint and the Ancient Egyptians

The very first mention of lint in recorded history was in Egypt.  It was recorded in hieroglyphics by HeySup Tutankhamun when he noticed some lint balling up in the creases of his pleated skirt.  After exhaustive study, scholars (who are now home lying down with cool washcloths on their foreheads) believe that the hieroglyphic for lint was represented by the following symbols:

img211

Lint and the Ancient Greeks

The second mention of lint is found among the ruins of Greece.  Scholars of ancient Greece have argued themselves sick over the topic of ancient Grecian Lint.  (One scholar was so winded from arguing he had to be hospitalized.) However, many believe the great philosopher, Socrates, was the most lint savvy.

Socrates weighs in on lint

Still, other scholars believe the go-to lint expert when it came to Ancient Greek Lint was the great mathematician Pythagoras:

Pathagoras on Grecian Lint

Lint and the Roman Empire

The Roman Empire was all mixed up about lint.  Scholars who study the Roman Empire ad nasueam in the vomitorium have concluded that while the Romans were genius builders and conquerors, they had it all wrong when it came to lint and especially the removal thereof:

Lint and the Roman Empire

Lint and The Middle Ages

Scholars can also agree on this one. Nobody  in the middle ages had any idea about lint whatsoever.

Lint in the middle ages

Lint and The Age of Exploration

Scholars insist that on his maiden voyage Christopher Columbus brought back  480 cubic tons of lint to Queen Isabella. But before you get too attached to this fact, you should remember that scholars determined this while splitting a large pepperoni pizza and a couple cases of Alhambra Mezquita beer courtesy of San Miguel Lint Manufacturing Corporation.

Christopher Columbus and his Lint Cargo

Lint and the Founding Fathers

Scholars believe that the failure to mention lint in the Declaration of Independence was instrumental in winning the revolutionary war.  But unfortunately, we will have to wait until they sober up to find out why.

 

FF lint

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Today’s history lesson.  Please check back at some point in the future to learn more about history and stuff.

Until next time . . . I love you