11 Ways to Tell If You’re Spending Too Much Time with Your Horse

When someone asks you your age, you respond by stomping one foot the appropriate number of times.

" . . . 37, 38, 39, 40  . . . " "Okay, Okay, you know what?  I don't even care anymore."

37, 38, 39, 40 . . . 
“Okay, Okay, you know what? I don’t even care anymore.”

Instead of using a mirror, you’ve taken to applying your makeup in the reflection of your horse’s eye.

You're going to wear that much blush, seriously?

You’re going to wear that much blush, seriously?

You think the best thing anybody could ever do is bale on you!

“What? For moi? THANK YOU!”

You often miss work due to coming up lame.

No I didn't say I can't come to work because I'm lame.  I can't come in because I came up lame.  What's that? Yes, there's a difference!

No I didn’t say I can’t come in because I’m so lame. I said I can’t come in because I came UP lame. What’s that? Yes, there’s a difference!

Sometimes you secretly want to bite your hairdresser when she’s brushing your hair.

I could so totally bite her right now.

All your shopping trips are reduced to the same question: Where can I find the carrots?

"Did you find everything you were looking for?" "Yeah pretty much."

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“Yeah pretty much.”

You’ve taken to nailing your shoes on too!

“Oh yeah they hurt . . . but they won’t come off!”

The term branding has taken on a whole new meaning (and it’s something you’re seriously considering).

“No wait!  I said I’m just considering it!

You want with all your heart for two plus two to equus four.

Anyone? Anyone?

“2 + 2 equus . . . Anyone? Anyone?”

If startled; you’ve been known to start a stampede.

“What was that noise?  I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”

And finally:

You’re thinking about changing your business cards from entrepreneur to entremanure.

“Yes, may I please speak to the Entremanure?”

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Flipping Through The Slightly-Creepy Seventies

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, if you’re not feeling a little nauseous already, I thought it might be fun to flip through this House Beautiful Magazine from everyone’s favorite icky decade:  The Slightly Creepy Seventies!

House Beautiful 1975

Isn’t this bedroom eye-crossingly wonderful? But it needs something more, don’t you think?  To really give it that Slightly Creepy Seventies flair? Like a focal point of some kind . . . 

But what kind of a focal point?  Hm. . . .

img228

Okay! That’s what the Slightly Creepy Seventies is talking about! Because there’s nothing like the addition of a weird, eerie male bedspread model to give any 70’s decor that much needed splash of slightly creepy!

Now let’s turn to the next page shall we?  Ready?  (I’ll wait if you want to pop a Pepto Bismal.)

Overly Cheerful Family Room slightly creepy seventies

Whoa! Obviously, the Slightly Creepy Seventies had the highest tolerance for decorative cheerfulness than all the other decades put together.

Now, this room is a good example of what happened back in the 70’s when your Slightly-Creepy Seventies Interior Decorator scarfed down a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums and washed it down with a great big pitcher of ice-cold LSD for breakfast and then rushed over and redecorated your family room while in the throws of a cheerfulness overdose.

Actually, Cheerfulness Overdose was a common problem in the Slightly Creepy Seventies.  In fact, more interior decorators were buried with huge grins on their faces in the Slightly Creepy Seventies than any other decade in history!

So I guess you could say there’s an upside to everything.

Hey!  Look what awaits us on the next page . . . 

img232

  Yes, you’re seeing that correctly.  It’s a rocking chair on the beach. And why not?  After all, life in the Slightly Creepy Seventies was stranger than it’s ever been before or since.

And speaking of rocking chairs on the beach, I think I vaguely remember a Brady Bunch Episode involving a rocking chair/beach incident: I’ll try to retell it as best I can from memory:

Mike Brady: MarshaMarshaMarsha!  Peter! Greg! Cindy! and Whatever the rest of your names are!  We’ve driven 87 hours and we are finally at the beach!

MarshaMarshMarsha:  But Dad, we live somewhere in LA.  Why did it take us 87 hours to get here?  The Pacific Ocean is just down the street.

Mike Brady:  What? 

Carol Brady:  Oh Mike, you did it again. Hahahahahaha!  You turned left when you should have turned right!  Hahahahaha! We’re not at the Pacific Ocean, children, we’re at the Atlantic Ocean! Hahahahahaha!

Mike Brady:  Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Alice:  Hahahahahaha!  I’ll lug the rocking chair down to the beach while you Bradys wait in the car and laugh.

Carol Brady:  Hahahhahaha—

Alice:  Wait a minute!  Hold the landphone! The rocking chair’s not here!  Somebody forgot it!  I’m not one to point fingers but I think it was MarshaMarshaMarsha.

Mike Brady:  Well, kids, it looks like we’re turning around and driving 87 hours home to get it.  Hahahhahaha.

Carol Brady:  But wait Mike, you left MarshaMarshaMarsha at the Atlantic Ocean.

Mike Brady:  Hahahahhahahaha!

Carol Brady:  Hahahahahahaha!

Say now, this next item looks interesting. 

img235

Her name was Betty Knowles and she lost 4 pounds and 6 inches off her waist in only eight days back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies using this lever and pulley exercise contraption. Unfortunately, once  Betty got it all set up and herself situated inside of it, she could never figure out how to get out.   Eight days later Betty was not only  much, much slimmer, but also, she wasn’t wasting valuable time breathing or having a pulse anymore. Unfortunately she wasn’t found until last week about a quarter to five.

Sure, it was a sad Slightly Creepy Seventies demise for poor Betty Knowles, but the good news is she has been chosen as the main attraction at the Smithsonian Institute’s much anticipated upcoming exhibit:  Mummified Peoples of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.

Proving once again there’s an upside to everything!

Well, Dear Readers, that’s it for today.  If you need me I’ll be down at the Pacific Ocean.  I’ll be the one sitting in the rocking chair eating a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums.

Until next time . . . I love you

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves.  Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.

The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters

After Aaron and Moses’s  presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys —  had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.

It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing:  The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.

The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:

Aaron:  I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?

Moses:  Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?

Aaron:  I don’t think we have time.  Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh.  There’s still plenty of millet though.

Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.

Later on the banks of the Nile:

Moses:  Well, hello Pharaoh!  Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile.  I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you.  Observe!

Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.

Moses:  Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  I didn’t sleep very good last night.

Aaron:  Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?

Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.

Moses:  And these frogs are going to get into everything.  Your baking pans, your ovens,  you beds, your little skirts . . . .

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Big Hairy Deal.  What else you got in the box?

Moses:  Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats?  Really mean gnats!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.   You’re kidding right?

Moses:  Okay, maybe not gnats.   But flies!  What about flies!!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  You’re threatening me with flies?  Seriously?

Moses:  Uh . . . oh!  Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!

Pharaoh:   Uh huh.  I’ve never been big on animals. What else?

Moses:  Boils?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Everybody’s already got boils.

Moses:  Okay how about hail then?  Hail that will hit the boils and sting!

Pharaoh:  Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo.   What else?

Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Actually, I enjoy both.  Is that it?

Moses:  There’s just one last thing.  A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot.  It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.

Pharaoh:  Uh huh.  Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and  I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.

With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid.  Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing  and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.

Moses:  Come on Aaron.  Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.

Aaron:  Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight?  Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?

Moses:  What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar?  Are you out of your mind Aaron?

Horus the egyptian god

Pigeons

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

 

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity DogIrena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

In the parlance of engines was merely a cog

 

In the gearshift of life she was quite unexciting

(She had nothing to do with, say, spark plugs igniting)

 

Her job was more blah, more boring, more simple

She was put on this earth to showcase her dimple

 

And stand on her tiptoes with arms stretched apart

While posing for drawings of horrible art

 

Oh if only the artist could draw her an ocean

She’d sit by the sea and imagine the motion

 

Or maybe the artist could draw her Mt. Zion

She could hike to the top with a leash on a lion

 

Is it any surprise that Irena’s not pompous

When the drawings of her are so catty and wampus?

 

Is it safe to assume that she’ll never be seen

Staring up from the pages of Vogue magazine?

 

Poor Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

She’s destined forever to live in this blog

Once Again Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe

edgar allan poe

 

 

Welcome Dear Readers!  As you may know from time to time this blog takes it upon itself to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe. Join me, won’t you as we give it yet another try.

 

Hey Eddy!  What’s that you’ve got there?

the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Oh well, that’s cheery!  Bells are kind of fun.  What is it you like about them?

  How they tinkle, tinkle, tinkle,
                In the icy air of night !

Okay. Well, listen it’s a little cold out here in the icy air of night.  How about we go inside and you can tinkle your bells indoors.

  Hear the mellow wedding bells
                     Golden bells!

Okay are you talking about different bells than the ones you’re currently tinkling? Cause I can’t hear anything over all that tinkling, Edgar!

  To the swinging and the ringing

Of what?  The wedding bells?

  Of the bells,bells, bells,

Bells, yes,  I got that part.

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,

Yeah yeah yeah yeah!  Got it!

                    Bells, bells, bells –

Edgar stop saying bells!

  To the swinging and the ringing
                Of the bells, bells, bells,
      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
                     Bells, bells, bells –

Okay, Edgar you’re about one second away from getting your face slapped.

  Hear the loud alarum bells —
                         Brazen bells !

Sorry, I don’t hear any alarum bells and I don’t mean to be critical but you spelled alarm wrong and it’s such an easy word, Ed, come on!

   Oh, the bells, bells, bells !
                  What a tale their terror tells
                         Of Despair !

Okay now this is exactly what I’m talking about, Ed.  Everything was going along fine.  You were tinkling some cheery little bells and like two seconds later all of a sudden it’s nothing but terror and Despair!  Can’t you just lighten up for like ten seconds?

  In the silence of the night,
       How we shiver with affright

Affright? Okay, now you’re just flat out making up negative words!  Why not turn that frown upside down and make up some cheery words! You’d feel a lot better about things. Do you know any cheery words?

  In a happy Runic rhyme,
                To the rolling of the bells –

Okay yeah!  There you go!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

   To the rolling of the bells —
            Of the bells, bells, bells —

EDGAR!  Stop saying bells!  I’m begging you!

      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells —

Okay Edgar, that’s it.  I’m getting out the duct tape.  It’s going over your mouth right now unless you promise me you will stop saying bells.

bells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bellsbells, bells, bells, bells —
                     Bells, bells, bells

Okay that does it, Buster!

Edgar Allan Poe Smiling

Well, at least he’s finally smiling.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today I am shamelessly plugging my daughter, Jackie. She has a really cute blog over at http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com.  I’d be very gratified if you’d go over and check it out!

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie
http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Until next time . . .I love you

 

Moses and the Lord Get into a Tiff

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the Lord made some Promised Land disclosures.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses and The Lord Get Into a Tiff

One day, after Moses and his desert-wandering friends had been shuffling through the sands for 40 years, they suddenly found themselves at their final destination, the hill country of the Amorites and the greater Amorite area.

The Lord:  Welp, here you go Moses.  The land I promised to give to your ancestors and to their descendants.  Now go! Occupy! Enjoy!

Moses:  Excellent!  I’ll get everybody packed up and– wait a minute . . . did you say occupy?

The Lord:  Yeah why?

Moses:  But I was under the impression you promised The Promised Land to us because it was already vacant.

The Lord:  What do you mean vacant?

Moses:  Well I just assumed there wouldn’t already be thousands of people living in the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh I see what you’re saying.  No.  You’re going to have to kill everybody or conquer them and make them slaves and whatnot, unless you want to see if they’d be willing to have roommates.

Moses:  But don’t you see, it doesn’t really belong to us then.  I mean you promised us land that was already being used by other people.

The Lord:  Moses don’t bust my chops. I promised it!  It’s yours. Badda Bing Badda Boom! Now let me get back to my blocks.  Oh and  careful when you shut the door to my pillar of fire by night and pillar of cloud by day, huh?  You’ll knock over the really really tall block tower I just made.

Moses:  You’re playing with blocks?

The Lord:  Uh nooooo . . . it’s called creating?

Later a few feet outside the Promised Land:

Moses:  Okay, I just sent 12 of you guys to scope out The Promised Land, so what did you find?

Guy#01:  It’s got fabulous fruit!

Guy #02:  It’s fertile, but it’s filled with people who are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Guy#03:  And that’s not even taking into account the giants.

 Moses:  What?  Did you say . . . gulp . . . giants?

Guy#04:  Yes giants as in people who are mammoth? jumbo? colossal? humongous? elephantine? walloping? ginorm-

Moses:  Okay okay.  I know what a giant is.

Guy#04:  Well you just let me keep going on so I didn’t know.

Moses:  Okay listen up everybody. I’m going to go report to the Lord that everyone’s scared to go into the Promised Land.

Guy#05:  Uh . . . Couldn’t you just say we’re reluctant?

Guy#01:  Be sure to tell Him about the fruit!

Later at the Lord’s Pillar:

Moses:  Yoohoo! Knock knock knockin’ at heavens door . . . Are you there Lord?  It’s me, Moses.

The Lord: Yeah Moses come on in.  Hey lookee how high I got My block tower now!

Moses:  Hallelujah!  Praise You! Say listen, Lord, I just talked to the 12 guys I sent to scope out the promised land and—

The Lord:  Yeah I know. I overheard the whole conversation and I’m angry.

Moses:  How angry?

The Lord:  Well not angry enough to take My Almighty Hand and send My block tower crashing to the floor, but angry enough to forbid this evil generation from ever setting foot in the Promised Land. Except for one person.  What’s that guys name who liked the fruit?

Moses:  Caleb son of Jephunneh?

The Lord:  Yeah him.  He can go but no one else.

Moses:  Okay I’ll go tell them they can’t enter the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh and Moses?

Moses:  Yes?

The Lord: That includes you.

Moses:  What?  Me?  But that’s not fair.  After schlepping around the desert for 40-friggin’ years for no really good reason other than just cuz — this is the thanks I get?  I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.

The Lord:  Well, one thing’s for sure.  If you slam that door on your way out, and my block tower falls over, I’ll give you something to cry about, young man.

Moses:  I’m not young.  I’m 600-years-old.

The Lord:  Well, you don’t look it.

Moses:  Thanks.

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Caleb son of Jephunneh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children

Loretta Splatts, Human Cannon Ball

If there was one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t it was . . . well, come to think of it, there actually wasn’t one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t — at least in her mind anyway.

You see, Loretta didn’t own a car. She preferred to travel everywhere by being shot out of a cannon. Oh sure, there was the small inconvenience of not being able to go anywhere unless she had cab fare home, but Loretta thought it was a small price to pay for having a legitimate reason to wear a cape in public.

Loretta Splatts being shot out of a cannon linda vernon humor

“Gosh I sure am saving a lot of money on gas.”

Loretta often joked that the trajectory of her life was trending upwards even though nobody ever laughed when she said it.  The sad fact was, nobody listened to a word Loretta said — they were too preoccupied waving away the intermittent puffs of smoke emanating from her slightly smoldering cape or distractedly brushing stray bits of gun powder from her platinum blonde hair to actually listen to what she had to say.

Loretta Splatts Smoldering cape

“So anyways, my life’s trending upwards LOL!”                                                         “Sorry to interrupt but  I’m distracted by your slightly smoldering cape.”

Sometimes Loretta felt like a 40-pound dill pickle that people were compelled to ignore because, let’s face it, a 40-pound dill pickle is just way too much pickle to process at any one time.

40 pound dill pickle linda vernon  humor

Too much pickle to process

Loretta’s only true confidant was her Cannon Ball Igniter, Percival Perplexington, a recent graduate of the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters founded in 1323 by King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much.

Kings linda vernon humor

King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much

Percival Perplexington was a jolly sort of fellow who never let the burden his igniting responsibilities eat away at his good-natured heart although he could sometimes feel those same responsibilities late at night nibbling on his spleen. But spleens are expendable!  That was Percival’s motto having stolen it from the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters when he pried it off their front door his first day of class.

Royal Academy of Science and Cannon Ball Igniters

Percival graduated with honors and immediately took a position with Loretta Splatts as her official Cannon Igniter.  His fellow graduates where aghast when he accepted such a lowly position with such an inferior human cannon ball the likes of Loretta, but there was just something about the way she raised her hand to signal the lighting of the fuse that Percival Perplexington was mesmerized by or perhaps memorized by.  One of those.

Loretta Splatts and Percival Perplexington

Loretta Splatts and her devoted Igniter, Percival Perplexington

Try as he might, he simply could not look away from Loretta’s pinky.  Whether she was hailing a cab or signaling that he should light the fuse, Percival Perplexington was totally and utterly and completely dedicated to Loretta Splatts.  He even donated his shoes when the people came collecting for the Annual Shoes for Fuse donation drive to aid less fortunate human cannon balls in third world countries.

Percival Perplexington's feet

He gave his shoes for the betterment of third world human cannon balls

It was a sad day for Percival Perplexington when his employer Loretta Splatts finally lived up to her name.  She was meeting a friend for lunch at the Riboflavin Rotisserie when she misjudged the location of the outdoor seating area by a skosh and came crashing down in the middle of a cow pasture that as luck would have it was being rented out to a mattress company.  She bounced off one of the mattresses and got temporarily stuck in a tree when a huge gust of wind blew her into oncoming traffic.

Loretta Splatts splat

And splat went Loretta Splatts

Percival Perplexington was positively beside himself with grief. It took him hours and hours  to eat lunch that day at the Riboflavin Rotisserie.

You see, he ordered a forty-pound dill pickle in honor of Loretta Splatts.

"Yes sir!  One forty pound pickle comin' up!"

“Yes sir! One forty-pound pickle comin’ up!

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Bent over to polish her Buster Brown shoe

Buster Brown Shoes

But the polish therein was of toxic aroma

And Edwina Purina fell into a coma

comatose edwina

No one knew what to do for they couldn’t awake her.

So the Doctor was summoned. (He suggested they shake her)

comatose edwina

But yet she lay docile and still as could be

Then someone suggested,   “Push her out of a tree!”

Linda Vernon humor art

So they hoisted her up in a  Giant Sequoia

And everyone helped — even Mike and  Latoya!

Michael and Latoya Jackson

All that was left was to give her a shove

And who better for that than the lieutenant gov?

 Lieutenant Governor

Who ran on a platform of brotherly love

And never did falter when push came to shove

41st Lieutenant Governor of Texas shoving

He shook that sequoia, he had him some muscle

(Attributed mainly to sprouts found in Brussel)

 

sprouts of brussel

“Where you from?” “Brussel”                 “Me too!”

 

Well, the tree started shaking and then the wind blew

And Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do . . .

comatose edwina

Flew through the air like a bomber (long range)

And landed on top of the Foreign Exchange

Edwina atop the foreign exchange buidling

 

She  opened her eyes and everyone cheered

But to tell you the truth? It was all very weird!

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Moses helped the Lord set up and take down His holy tent.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

One day while the Lord was on a camping trip relaxing in His Tent at Camp Holy Land, He decided to dictate to Moses exactly how he wanted His Sacred Stuff moved when it was time to break camp.  Moses chiseled down His instructions.

The Lord:  Moses, when it’s time to go I want Aaron, your brother, and his two sons to come inside My Tent and take down the curtain in front of the covenant box and cover the covenant box with it.

Moses:   . . . and cover box with it . . . got it.

The Lord:  And cover the covenant box with it . . . be sure to specify covenant.

Moses:  Yeah but I thought I could just shorten “covenant box” to “box” as my trick chiseling elbow is acting up again.

The Lord:  Do as I say, young man,  or I’ll give your trick chiseling elbow something to act up about, and I’m not just whistling Dixie!

Moses:   . . . not just whistling Dixie . . . got it.

The Lord:  No!  Don’t write that down you idiot!

Moses:   . . . don’t write that down you idiot . . .got it.

The Lord:  Oy!

Moses:   . . . Oy . . . got it.

The Lord:  After that, have Aaron and his sons put a blue cloth over the covenant box then put bread on top of  that and spread a red cloth over  that and then put a leather cover on top of that and insert the carrying poles. Did you get all that Moses?

Moses:  . . . hang on . . . did you get all that Moses . . . got it.

The Lord:  Hallelujah!

Moses:  Are there  three or four L’s in Hallelujah?  I’m guessing four?

Moses's trick chiseling elbow

“H. . .  A . . .  L . . . L . . . L . . .L? “

The Lord:   Then it’s just practically self explanatory from there on out. Have them put a blue cloth over the lamp stand and olive oil containers and spread a blue cloth over the gold alter and put a fine leather cover over that and then remove the greasy ashes over the alter and put a purple cloth over that and put all the fire pans, hooks, shovels and basins over that and then carry it all to the next location without touching any of the sacred objects or they will die, yadda yadda yadda.

Moses:   . . . yadda yadda yadda . . . got it.  Wait a minute Lord!  Did you just say they will die if they touch any of the sacred objects?

The Lord:  Correctomundo.

Moses:  Did I mention my brother, Aaron has a bad back?

The Lord:  Not to worry, I’m hiring the Starving Kohath Clan Movers to do all the heavy lifting but it is your responsibility, Moses, to make sure that they aren’t killed by coming near the most sacred objects. In fact, if they even see the priests preparing the sacred objects for moving they will die.

Moses:  . . . they will die . . . got it.  Can I go now?  I need to ice my trick chiseling elbow.

The Lord:  Yeah you can go in just a minute, but first do me a solid and take a census of Levite Clan, register all the men between the ages of thirty and fifty who were qualified to work in the Tent of the Lord’s presence and then after you do that,  you’ll need to chisel down who I want to carry what.

Moses: Can I at least have a break to eat my goat sandwich I brought from home?

The Lord:  Man does not live by bread alone.

Moses:  Yeah I know, Lord, hence the goat!

The Lord:  Don’t get smarty with me, young man!  Tell you what.  First, chisel down my instructions for disassembling My Tent. It’s pretty simple, it will only take about 14 hours to explain and then you can have a bathroom break.

14 hours later:

The Lord:  Okay Moses I think I’ve covered which part of my tent all 8,580 Levites will each be carrying from here to the next camping site.  Any questions?

Moses:  Yes. Can I ice my trick chiseling elbow now?  It hurts dreadfully.

The Lord:  Oh wait.  Speaking of dreadful,  I almost forgot. Before you go, Moses, I need you to expel everybody from Camp Holy Land who has a dreaded skin disease or a bodily discharge and also everyone who is unclean by contact with a corpse and then you can go home early.

Moses:    . . . contact with a corpse . . . got it.  And then can I ice my trick chiseling elbow?

The Lord:  Sure except . . .

Moses:  Except what?

The Lord:  I haven’t had a chance to create ice yet.  Sorry.

Moses:  Why I oughtta . . .

The Lord:  What was that, Moses?

Moses:  Nothing.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to find out what wonderful things Gregory will learn in Sunday School next week.

Until next time . . . I love you

Covenant Box table cloth

God's Big Feet

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Penelope’s Distraction

When Miss Penelope walked into her third-grade class, a hush, like rain, came over her students.  It might have been because Miss Penelope was tall and beautiful with naturally-curly, flaming-red hair.  Or it might have been because Miss Penelope was carrying her teacup poodle, Nippers, in her tea-cup. Then again, it might have been because Miss Penelope had three legs.

Benjamin Bananason’s hand shot up before Miss Penelope was even done writing MISS PENELOPE on the blackboard.

“Yes Benjamin.”  Miss Penelope said.

“Is there going to be homework this year?  What time’s lunch? And may I please use the bathroom?”

Miss Penelope crossed two of her legs and leaned on the other while she answered Benjamin’s last question affirmatively and pondered the other two questions.

While she was thinking, Rebecca Ribeye raised her hand.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“My aunt, Lavern, has naturally-curly, flaming-red hair just like yours, Miss Penelope.  She had to go to prison though.  What’s your doggie’s name?”

“Nippers” Miss Penelope answered, and then raised the tea-cup containing Nippers to her lips as though she would take a sip — but gave Nippers a kiss instead.

The children laughed until it was time for recess.

That’s when Principal Connie Vickers marched in.

“Well?  How did they respond?” Connie Vickers demanded.  “I would imagine the children were not able to talk about anything else all morning but your—“

“My teacup poodle, Nippers?”

“No, not Nippers!  Your . . . your . . . .” Connie squirmed and tried not to look at any of Miss Penelope’s legs.

“Oh you mean my distraction.” Miss Penelope said helpfully.  “My naturally-curly, flaming-red hair. “

“No!  Not that distraction!  I’m talking about your extra leg Miss Penelope.  I’m talking about the fact that you have THREE legs, Miss Penelope!”

In the silence that followed, Principal Connie Vickers reached her finger over to pet Nippers whose razor- sharp, tiny teeth went into the fleshy part of Connie Vickers finger like a knife through warm butter.

horrrible art Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Ways to Tell if You’re Overdoing Thanksgiving

Hello Dear Readers!  I love Thanksgiving!  It’s one of my favorite holidays.  Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure.  Maybe a little too much pleasure.  That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving
Woman looking pensive with leaves on her head

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

Architect looking at plans

“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! I ‘m an apple guy.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

Earth orbiting sun

“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”
“Yamsday.”
“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”
“No you!”

Your husband, Tom, is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to  anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look!  There’s Bigfoot!”
“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”
“No.”
“Is he carrying Jello?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

“Ten Hut!”

 

Until next time . . . Olive you

My Brain, Peanuts, Remembers: Television

Hello Dear Readers!  Welcome to this edition of My Brain, Peanuts, Remembers.

Today’s Topic:  Television

Back in the 50’s, before there was nothing  good to watch on hundreds of satellite and cable TV channels,  we had to make do with nothing good to watch on only three measly little channels, ABC, NBC and CBS.

Ah the Simple Days!

Watching TV in the 50’s couldn’t have been simpler.  First of all, there was no remote to bother with.  We never had to spend upwards of a half hour rummaging around the Naugahyde davenport cushions trying to find the remote control.

Instead, my brothers and I would spend upwards of a half hour arguing over who should change the channel because they were the closest one to the television set.

I have one vivid memory of me and my little brother, Ricky, and my older brother, Peter, plastering ourselves against the back wall of our living room, each trying to make ourselves farthest away from the TV.  I can’t even imagine how many episodes of Ruff and Ready were wasted in this way.

Changing Channels

Changing the channel in those days was pretty simple.  You simply walked over to the TV and turned the dial until it would clunkily kachunk onto either 2 (ABC), 4 (CBS) or 6 (NBC).  The dial had way more numbers on it than 2, 4 and 6.  (It might have gone up to 11 now that I think about it.)

Obviously, TV manufacturers were the visionaries of the 1950’s. They kept their eyes focused on a day in the not too distant future when there might actually be more than snow to watch on all those other channels.

50's television snow

They saw the future and it didn’t look anything like this, thank god!

But in the 50’s, because there wasn’t that much on TV and because we were all so giddy about television viewing, we were all pretty much okay with watching snow.

My grandmother, who lived way out in the country and had no cable connection or antenna reception, claimed she got channel 13.  She’d proudly turn on her TV set and turn the dial to channel 13.  There  would be nothing but snow on the screen. But if you listened closely enough, you could occasionally make out the sound of voices although it was impossible to figure out what they were saying.

I remember visiting my grandmother and sitting in front of her TV set watching the snow and listening to the random voices.  Her TV set was pretty fancy.  It was in a blond wooden cabinet that had shuttered doors.  I’d sit in front of it, watching the snow and listening for voices while my grandmother would watch from her new white Naugahyde couch while she crocheted colorful afghans (the blankets not the people). My grandmother was totally on board with mid-century decor.

The Thrill of Saturday Morning Cartoons

My brothers and I would get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons.  But if we were too early, we would turn on the TV and watch the snow because all the stations quit broadcasting at midnight and didn’t resume broadcasting until about 7 a.m. in the morning.

So every night at midnight, all three stations would broadcast a recording of The Star Spangled Banner and then sign off.  Everybody was a lot more patriotic in those days.

Maybe because there was a cold war going on, and you never knew if tonight would be the night that Nikita Khrushchev would get tanked up on vodka and accidentally pass out on the atomic bomb button that was aimed directly at your hometown.

It’s little wonder that TV programmers figured it was probably a good idea to send everybody off to bed with a good dose of patriotism.

Anyway, on Saturday morning, my brothers and I would watch the snow until the thrill of the test pattern came on:

IndianHeadTestPattern16x9 (1)

Not only is this impressive, did you know one of the colors is magenta?

Once the test pattern came on things really got exciting.  It meant we were almost to the beginning of actual television broadcasting and one minute closer to watching the cartoon adventures of Ruff and Ready!

The test pattern was accompanied by a long tone like you would hear during an emergency broadcast warning.  Then an announcer would come on and explain what the colors of the test pattern were.  One of the colors was magenta. Every week my brothers and I wondered what color magenta was.

MagentaIcon

Okay just googled magenta,. and even google isn’t sure what color magenta is.

Sometimes while we were waiting for the cartoons to start, my brothers would scrape the frost off the freezer box in the refrigerator and eat it like a snow cone. I never cared much for the frost on the pre-defrost-free refrigerator freezers.  I always felt it had a funny aftertaste. But my brothers seemed to enjoy it.

freezer frost

Peter and Ricky viewed this freezer frost as the snow cone half full.

Ah yes!  TV in the 50’s.  I often ask myself if there’s anything today that compares to that long-ago  thrill of hearing the theme song to Ruff and Ready while eating freezer snow cones . . . and the answer, Dear Readers, is yes . . . practically everything!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Naaman’s Seven Baths

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about a commander of the army of Syria, Naaman, who was having a little trouble with his skin.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

gregoryNaaman’s Seven Baths

One biblical day about a fifth of the way through the bible, there lived in the holy land, a man named Naaman. As the commander of the Syrian army and as a close friend of the king of Syria, Naaman had it made in the shade or would have, anyway, had there been any trees.

But there was one tiny detail that tortured Naaman day and night.  You see Naaman suffered from a horrible case of biblical dry skin , a dreaded old-testament skin condition for which there was no cure.  (This was way before hand lotion was invented.)

Naaman’s dry skin condition took its toll on his life both at home and at work. Even the simplest tasks would cause him to look down at his scaly arms and legs in despair.  Whether he was relaxing at home in his hobby room organizing his slaves by height and weightor whether he was at work slicing off heads or impaling enemies, Naaman was finding it more and more difficult to enjoy the little things in life.

Then one day Naaman brought home a cute little stray Israelite slave girl for his wife who was really into taking in stray slaves.  In fact, she was known around the neighborhood as the Crazy Slave Lady.

Anyway, one day the little slave girl told Naaman’s wife that she knew of a prophet who might be able to help Naaman with his dry skin:

Naaman’s Wife:  Norman!  Good news.  I just found out that a prophet named Elisha can cure your dry skin!

Naaman:  Honey!  My name’s not Norman, it’s Naamon!

Naaman’s Wife:  It is?

So Naaman immediately went to the king of Syria and told him the news.

Naaman:  Yeah, so I just found out that there’s a prophet in Samaria who can help me with my problem.

King of Syria:  What problem is that, Norman?  Your two left feet?

Naaman:  No not that problem.

King:  Oh you mean the problem of that strange odor that is always emanating  from your personage?   Or are you referring  your propensity to whistle off-key?

Naaman:  No, I’m talking about my dry skin problem!

King:   Gross!

Naaman:  Yeah well, all I need now is a letter from you introducing me to the king of Israel along with ten thousand pieces of gold and ten changes of fine clothes and I think we can pretty much kiss my dry skin problem goodbye.

Later that day in Israel:

Naaman:   Hello King of Israel! Here’s a letter from the King of Syria introducing me, Naaman, to you.  How do you do?

King of Israel:  Hi Norman.

Naaman:  It’s  Naaman.

King of Israel:  The letter says, Norman.

Naaman:  Whatever.  Can you cure my dry skin or not?

King of Israel: Hm. . . I’m not sure.   Listen why don’t you have a seat over there in dry skin waiting area, Norman, while I consult with my wise men on this matter of great importance. Oh and help yourself to the figs, Norm.  You don’t mind if I call you Norm, do you?

Naaman:  Sure go right ahead you stupid . . .

King of Israel:  Sorry Norm, I didn’t catch that.

Naaman:  Good figs!

The King began pondering what to do by wailing, moaning and tearing at his clothes as is the standard biblical procedure for making decisions, and finally decided to do what he always did when dealing with people with dry skin issues — send them to the prophet Elisha’s house.

When Naaman arrived, Elisha sent out his servant to deliver his usual dry skin advice:

Naaman:  Hi, I’m Naaman.  I’m here to get my dry skin cured by Elisha?

Elisha’s Servant, Gehazi:  Oh yeah, he’s been expecting you Norman.   He told me to tell you to take seven baths in the Jordan River.

Naaman:  Seven whats?

At this exact moment all of  Naaman’s servants took the opportunity to explain to Naaman not only what a bath was– but also, what it meant to brush one’s teeth (or tooth in Naaman’s case).

When Naaman was finished scrubbing up, his dry skin was completely gone!  So Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, talked Naaman into giving Elisha six thousand pieces of silver and two changes of fine clothes for the bathing suggestion — which made Elisha mad because he never charged for personal hygiene advice as he felt the fresh air it created was reward enough.

But because Gehazi took money for Elisha’s advice, Elisha punished Gahazi by giving him dry skin which Gehazi was later able to cure by cutting strips of the fine clothing he received, soaking them in ointment and wrapping them around his arms and legs — a cure for dry skin which is known today as the Gehazi Strip.

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Naaman and the seven baths

A Visit From the Toaster Reviewer Gal!

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today the Toaster Reviewer Gal was kind enough to drop by the blog and leave a copy of the cover letter she wrote for a Toaster Reviewer job she is hoping to get.  Let’s take a look at it, shall we?

Position Applied for:  Toaster Reviewer 

Dear Hiring Manager:

Your posting on LinkedIn for a Professional Toaster Reviewer recently caught my eyes, perked up my ears and blew my nose (jk).   I think you will find that I am an exceptional candidate for the position of Toaster Reviewer.

While I have been temporarily out of work for the last three years (don’t ask), I have still managed to stay on top of my game in the field of toaster reviewing.

You see, I currently own and operate a Hamilton Beach SmartToast Extra-Wide Slot 2 Slice Toaster with Tongs, upon which I keep my Toaster  Reviewing skills as sharp as a butter knife by making toast each morning and recording all my thoughts and feelings about my toasting adventures in my journal entitled,  “Scraping to Desired Lightness” (which is currently making the rounds at various publishing houses on the island of Guam, btw).

As an accomplished Toaster Reviewer, many of my reviews can be found on many high-level consumer review toaster websites such as:

Google Toast (www.googletoast.com)

So You’re Going to Have a Piece of Toast (www.soyou’regoingtohaveapieceoftoast.com)

Unplug the Smoke Detectors Kids!, Mommy’s Makin’ Toast! (www.goop.com).

But my accomplishments do not end there.  I also offer exceptional attention to detail and come to the position with my private list of some of the most powerful toaster-review adjectives in the Toaster-Reviewing industry today–which I have gleaned over the course of my career as an international Professional Toaster Reviewer Career Gal!

As a Professional Toaster Reviewer Career Gal, I have written these e-books, which are, unfortunately, only available on Amazon Guam, but still!

Toaster Book one

 

Toaster Gal Book two

Toaster book 3

My accomplishments and qualifications are further detailed in my hard copy resume which is on it’s way to you via the Guam postal service.  Please disregard the burned edges, frankly the Hamilton Beach SmartToast Extra-Wide Slot 2 Slice Toaster with Tongs, still has some bugs that need working out in my professional opinion as a Professional Toaster Reviewer Gal (see above).

In closing, I am as thrilled about being a part of your Professional Toaster Reviewer team as you must be at receiving this cover letter from me.  (That’s  a Haiku, btw!)

Please contact me at my earliest convenience, and I look forward to our mutual admiration.

Sincerely,

Everybody’s Favorite Toaster Reviewer Gal!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, and I don’t know about you but I think she’s got a pretty good chance. Especially if there’s an opening in Guam!

Until next time  . . . I love you