The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things: Like today for instance. There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.”
People in the UK Say Things Differently
And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead. But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes. Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.
Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)
Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.
Heelllooo! Internet to Scientists!
Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet? Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish?
Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.
First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian.
You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people.
Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.
Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way? You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.
As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs!
By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead. Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum! We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way. Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.
Stay with Me Here
Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true. Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.
So Let’s Recap
The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!
It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!
Welcome Dear Readers. The Daily Post’s writing prompt inspired me to dig up this old post I wrote about something that wasn’t funny at the time . . .
I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.
Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table. I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.
I took one bite and spit it out.
That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.
A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one. And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me? Heavens no! Mother! Please! Don’t be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.
I took one bite and spit it out.
Later in the week,I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.
Well for some reason, I was set on it. I began begging dramatically. “Please Mother! Please! I won’t spit it out! For the love of God, I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”
My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it
I took one bite and spit it out.
Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands. Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it. I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!
I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.
I was amazed when it actually went down! Fabulous! I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.
Later that dayI happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea it would “do that!”
I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.
Uh oh . . .
Shame quickly set it. I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.
Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Ezekiel had an unusual experience. Let’s listen in as he recounts the story for us.
Ezekiel’s Weight Problem
One day the prophet Ezekiel was relaxing down by the Chebar river in Babylonia where he was hanging out with some of his exiled Jewish buddies enjoying some Chebar cheese when, suddenly, there was a tremendous rumble.
At first he thought it was just his stomach rumbling from eating too much Chebar cheese, but he soon realized the noise was coming from the sky.
He looked up and was amazed to see a UFBO (unidentified flying biblical object).
He fell face down and heard a voice calling him.
God: Mortal Man stand up I want to talk to you.
Ezekiel: Do I have to get up? I’m really comfortable right now.
God: I am sending you to the people of Israel.
Ezekiel: May I ask why?
God: They have rebelled against me and turned against me and are still rebels just as their ancestors were. So I am sending you to tell them what I, the sovereign lord, am saying to them.
Ezekiel: Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly over there in your UFBO and tell them Yourself?
God: They are stubborn and do not respect me so I am sending you instead.
Ezekiel: Okay let me get this straight. You, the sovereign lord, who is flying around the holy land in Your UFBO can’t get the Israelites to listen to you or respect you so you’re sending me instead, a guy who is currently unemployed, slightly overweight and living down by the river? Do you really think I’m up to the job?
God: Just tell the people of Israel whatever I tell you to tell them. But don’t be afraid of them even though they will despise you and even though it will feel like you are living among scorpions.
Ezekiel: Well okay, but scorpions are my least favorite insect.
God: Scorpions really? That’s refreshing. Most people say spiders. Anyway, open your mouth and eat this.
Ezekiel: What is it?
God: A scroll upon which cries of grief, wails and moans are written on both sides.
Ezekiel: No thanks I’m allergic to papyrus.
God: It’s chocolate covered . . . .
Ezekiel: Oh in that case, don’t mind if I do!
Ezekiel ate the scroll. (It gave him hives but God pretended not to notice.) Then God’s spirit lifted Ezekiel and carried him to another spot by the Chebar River where Ezekiel resumed eating Chebar cheese and hanging out with different group of his exiled Jewish buddies.
Seven days later God showed up again
God: Okay, here’s the deal. If I announce that an evil man is going to die, it’s going to be your job to warn him. If you don’t warn him to change his ways and he dies a sinner, I will hold you responsible for his death but if you do warn him and he doesn’t stop sinning he’ll die a sinner but your life will be spared. Got that?
Ezekiel: Uh . . .well . . . uh . . .
God: Now get up and go into the valley and I will talk to you there.
Ezekiel: But I just got comfortable.
God: . . . ahem . . .
Ezekiel : Okay okay but can I at least bring my Chebar cheese with?
God: If you must.
Ezekiel: Say you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of those delicious chocolate-covered scrolls would you?
God: Yes but you can’t have any.
God: They’re too fattening.
Ezekiel: What are you implying? I’ve been eating too much Chebar Cheese?
God: All I can say is that last statement of yours needs no question mark.
Eziekiel:Well! I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life!
God: That robe of yours is getting awfully tight . . . just sayin’. So anyway, next I’m going to want you to go home and shut yourself up in the house and I’ll tie you up with ropes so you won’t be able to go out in public then I’m going to paralyze your tongue.
Eziekiel: Wait . . . is this some sort of new-fangled diet?
God: I’ll tell you next week in Part II.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week to find out what God asks of Ezekiel next and whether or not Ezekiel will lose weight and overcome his papyrus allergy.
Welcome Dear Readers! Today, if you’re not feeling a little nauseous already, I thought it might be fun to flip through this House Beautiful Magazine from everyone’s favorite icky decade: The Slightly Creepy Seventies!
But what kind of a focal point? Hm. . . .
Now let’s turn to the next page shall we? Ready? (I’ll wait if you want to pop a Pepto Bismal.)
Now, this room is a good example of what happened back in the 70’s when your Slightly-Creepy Seventies Interior Decorator scarfed down a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums and washed it down with a great big pitcher of ice-cold LSD for breakfast and then rushed over and redecorated your family room while in the throws of a cheerfulness overdose.
Actually, Cheerfulness Overdose was a common problem in the Slightly Creepy Seventies. In fact, more interior decorators were buried with huge grins on their faces in the Slightly Creepy Seventies than any other decade in history!
So I guess you could say there’s an upside to everything.
Hey! Look what awaits us on the next page . . .
And speaking of rocking chairs on the beach, I think I vaguely remember a Brady Bunch Episode involving a rocking chair/beach incident: I’ll try to retell it as best I can from memory:
Mike Brady: MarshaMarshaMarsha! Peter! Greg! Cindy! and Whatever the rest of your names are! We’ve driven 87 hours and we are finally at the beach!
MarshaMarshMarsha:But Dad, we live somewhere in LA. Why did it take us 87 hours to get here? The Pacific Ocean is just down the street.
Carol Brady: Oh Mike, you did it again. Hahahahahaha! You turned left when you should have turned right! Hahahahaha! We’re not at the Pacific Ocean, children, we’re at the Atlantic Ocean! Hahahahahaha!
Mike Brady: Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Alice: Hahahahahaha! I’ll lug the rocking chair down to the beach while you Bradys wait in the car and laugh.
Carol Brady: Hahahhahaha—
Alice: Wait a minute! Hold the landphone! The rocking chair’s not here! Somebody forgot it! I’m not one to point fingers but I think it was MarshaMarshaMarsha.
Mike Brady: Well, kids, it looks like we’re turning around and driving 87 hours home to get it. Hahahhahaha.
Carol Brady: But wait Mike, you left MarshaMarshaMarsha at the Atlantic Ocean.
Mike Brady: Hahahahhahahaha!
Carol Brady: Hahahahahahaha!
Say now, this next item looks interesting.
Her name was Betty Knowles and she lost 4 pounds and 6 inches off her waist in only eight days back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies using this lever and pulley exercise contraption. Unfortunately, once Betty got it all set up and herself situated inside of it, she could never figure out how to get out. Eight days later Betty was not only much, much slimmer, but also, she wasn’t wasting valuable time breathing or having a pulse anymore. Unfortunately she wasn’t found until last week about a quarter to five.
Sure, it was a sad Slightly Creepy Seventies demise for poor Betty Knowles, but the good news is she has been chosen as the main attraction at the Smithsonian Institute’s much anticipated upcoming exhibit: Mummified Peoples of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.
Proving once again there’s an upside to everything!
Well, Dear Readers, that’s it for today. If you need me I’ll be down at the Pacific Ocean. I’ll be the one sitting in the rocking chair eating a big bowl of yellow chrysanthemums.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what the Lord planned to do to Egypt if the Egyptian Pharaoh refused to free the slaves. Let’s listen in as he tells us about it.
The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters
After Aaron and Moses’s presentation to the Pharaoh — Bringing Down Your Overhead Costs by Replacing Slave Labor with Levers and Pulleys — had completely fallen flat as far as freeing the slaves was concerned, it was time for Aaron and Moses to make the pharaoh an offer he couldn’t refuse.
It was time to pull out all the stops by utilizing: The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters.
The next morning at the Cheops Holiday Inn Express breakfast bar:
Aaron: I’m going back for more figs, you want anything else, Moses?
Moses: Yeah, toast me some more unleavened bread will ya?
Aaron: I don’t think we have time. Their unleavened bread torch takes forever, and we’ll be late for our appointment with the pharaoh. There’s still plenty of millet though.
Moses: There always is . . . just bring me some more goat bacon.
Later on the banks of the Nile:
Moses: Well, hello Pharaoh! Hi there priests! Thank you so much for meeting us down here on the banks of the Nile. I realize it’s rather unorthodox, but we have a little demonstration for you. Observe!
Moses opens The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters and pulls out a walking stick then waves it over the Nile river turning it into blood.
Pharaoh: Uh huh.
Moses: Well you don’t seem very impressed — you’re stifling a yawn.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. I didn’t sleep very good last night.
Aaron: Me neither. No offense, Pharaoh, but those wooden pillows you guys use are super uncomfortable.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. What other disasters you got in the box, Moses?
Moses opens the box again and millions of frogs jumped out.
Moses: And these frogs are going to get into everything. Your baking pans, your ovens, you beds, your little skirts . . . .
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Big Hairy Deal. What else you got in the box?
Moses: Okaaaay . . . um . . . lets see here . . . how do you feel about gnats? Really mean gnats!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. You’re kidding right?
Moses: Okay, maybe not gnats. But flies! What about flies!!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. You’re threatening me with flies? Seriously?
Moses: Uh . . . oh! Here’s something . . . how about a disease to kill all your animals!! Bwahahaha!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. I’ve never been big on animals. What else?
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Everybody’s already got boils.
Moses: Okay how about hail then? Hail that will hit the boils and sting!
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Whoopty friggin’ doo. What else?
Moses: How do you feel about locusts and being in darkness 24/7?
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Actually, I enjoy both. Is that it?
Moses: There’s just one last thing. A little something the Lord likes to call Passover wherein all the first-born sons will be killed and whatnot. It’s a little more complicated to explain and, frankly, I’d really like to break for lunch.
Pharaoh: Uh huh. Okay, well if it’s as lame as the rest of The Lord’s Big Box of Disasters, I’m totally unfazed, and I’m not letting the slaves go anytime soon and that’s all there is to it.
With that, the pharaoh and his priests walked back to the pyramid. Aaron and Moses could hear them laughing and making jokes about how many gnats it would take to free the slaves.
Moses: Come on Aaron. Let’s go tell the Lord to put plan Passover into action.
Aaron: Okay, but can we stay at a different hotel tonight? Somewhere where they don’t have wooden pillows?
Moses: What? And miss out on the complimentary breakfast bar? Are you out of your mind Aaron?