Gregory’s Bible Stories: Ezekiel’s Flip Side

 

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned  Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord, part II.

Ezekiel’s Flip Side

If you will remember last week, our biblical hero, Ezekiel, was well on his way to becoming  the Lord’s first 500-pound prophet after feasting on a chocolate-covered scroll that contained 1,437,118,227,922,091,561,403 grams of sugar and that caused his papyrus allergy to kick in like gangbusters. But God wasn’t done with Ezekiel yet, not by a long shot.

Somewhere in an undisclosed holy land location:

God:  Mortal Man, get a brick and set it in front of you and scratch lines on it to represent the cit of Jerusalem.

Ezekiel:  Okay but first would it be possible to get something for these hives, God?  I can’t stop scratching.

God:  How’d you get hives?

Ezekiel:  From eating that papyrus scroll, remember?  I told you I was allergic to papyrus.

God:  But that scroll wasn’t made from papyrus, it was made from animal hide.

Ezekiel:  Uh oh.  Chipmunk by any chance?

God:  As a matter of fact yes it was.  How did you know that?

Ezekiel: My chipmunk allergy is even worse than my papyrus allergy.

God:   Is that why your eyes are swollen shut?

Ezekiel:  Yeah.

God:  Oh okay, I was wondering but I didn’t want to say anything.  You know, maybe I better come back another time and have you do the rest of the stuff on my list.

Ezekiel:  No!  Absolutely not. I can do it!  I can still see a little bit.

God:  Are you sure?

Ezekiel:  Of course, what are prophets for if not to carry out Your quirky plans, God!

God:  Well then after you scratch Jerusalem on a brick, I want you to represent a siege of the city by putting trenches, earthworks, camps and battering rams around it.

Ezekiel:  Wait a minute, you want me to dig trenches and earthworks, and put battering rams around it?  I mean, can one guy even lift a battering ram?  They’ve got to weigh a ton.

God:  Just like you ha ha!

Ezekiel:  Excuse me?

God:  No I was just saying the exercise will do you good.  You could use to drop a few pounds or 250.

Ezekiel:  Okay my robe’s too tight I get it.   Is that it?

God:  No.  After that I want you to take an iron pan and set it up like a wall between you and the city.

Ezekiel:  I don’t have an iron pan.

God:  You don’t have an iron pan?  Get out?  We’re living in modern biblical times! Nowadays, everybody and their goat has an iron pan! How do you make all those grilled Chebar cheese sandwiches you’ve been stuffing in your face nonstop with your exile homeys down at the Chebar River without an iron pan?

Ezekiel:  Well, if you must know,  I usually get one of my slaves to cook or if they’re on vacation, I get one of my wives to cook or if they are all dying in childbirth, I get one of my concubines to go for take out.

God:    Well, the next thing I want you to do is lie down.

Ezekiel:  Sweet! Now You’re talkin’!

God:  Yeah I knew you’d like that part but it involves a little more than just lying down.

Ezekiel:  Like what?

God:  I want you to lie on your side and I’m going to place on you the weight of the guilt of Israel.

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . that sounds pretty heavy.  How much weight are we talking?

God: A lot but probably less than what you weigh ha ha!  Anyways, I’m going to want you to do that for 390 days and then after that roll over on your other side for 40 days.

Ezekiel:  Question:  do I have to lie on the ground or do I get to lie on a mattress.

God:  What’s a mattress?

 

Dad kept telling me to go into the family goat business, but oh no! I had to be a prophet!
Wait a minute.  It  says this contains lead.  Oh well I think that’s good.

430 Days Later:

God:  Hey Ezekiel!  You can get up now.  How are you doing?

Ezekiel:  Oy my back is stiff!  And my hives are still driving me crazy and I’ve got a horrible headache.

God:  Just for future reference?  Whenever I ask how you’re are doing, it’s rhetorical. But hey! You look like you’ve lost weight! You’re robe’s not nearly as tight.

Ezekiel: I know I may have to go new robe shopping after this!

God:  Okay, but first what I want you to do is fix your eyes on the siege of Jerusalem, shake your fist at the city and prophesy against it.

Ezekiel:  But my eyes are swollen shut, remember?

God:  Still?  Hahaha!  Well listen I’m going to go jump in my unidentified flying biblical object and get you ice to put on them.

Ezekiel:  Okay.  Oh, say, God . . . if you happen to go by a chocolate-covered scroll drive-thru would you mind picking me up a few chocolate-covered scrolls and also a couple Chebar cheese goat burgers while you’re at it?

God:  Eeeezeeekiiieeelll!  Just when you’re robe is finally fitting right . . .

Ezekiel:  Okay okay nevermind!

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back next week for part three when Ezekiel gets are really bad haircut and hilarity ensues.

 

I'm going for ice! BRB!
I’m going on an ice run!  BRB!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Ezekiel had an unusual experience.  Let’s listen in as he recounts the story for us.

Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

One day the prophet Ezekiel was relaxing down by the Chebar river in Babylonia where he was hanging out with some of his exiled Jewish  buddies enjoying some Chebar cheese when, suddenly, there was a tremendous rumble.

At first he thought it was just his stomach rumbling from eating too much Chebar cheese, but he soon realized the noise was coming from the sky.

He looked up and was amazed to see a UFBO (unidentified flying biblical object).

He fell face down and heard a voice calling him.

God:  Mortal Man stand up I want to talk to you.

Ezekiel:  Do I have to get up?  I’m really comfortable right now.

God:  I am sending you to the people of Israel.

Ezekiel:  May I ask why?

God:  They have rebelled against me and turned against me and are still rebels just as their ancestors were. So I am sending you to tell them what I, the sovereign lord, am saying to them.

Ezekiel:  Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly over there in your UFBO and tell them Yourself?

God: They are stubborn and do not respect me so I am sending you instead.

Ezekiel:  Okay let me get this straight. You, the sovereign lord, who is flying around the holy land in Your UFBO can’t get the Israelites to listen to you or respect you so you’re sending me instead, a guy who is currently unemployed, slightly overweight and living down by the river?  Do you really think I’m up to the job?

God: Just tell the people of Israel whatever I tell you to tell them. But don’t be afraid of them even though they will despise you and even though it will feel like you are living among scorpions.

Ezekiel:  Well okay,  but scorpions are my least favorite insect.

God:  Scorpions really?  That’s refreshing. Most people say spiders.  Anyway, open your mouth and eat this.

Ezekiel:  What is it?

God:    A scroll upon which cries of grief, wails and moans are written on both sides.

Ezekiel:  No thanks I’m allergic to papyrus.

God:   It’s chocolate covered . . . .

Ezekiel:  Oh in that case, don’t mind if I do!

Ezekiel ate the scroll. (It gave him hives but God pretended not to notice.) Then God’s spirit lifted Ezekiel and carried him to another spot by the Chebar River where Ezekiel resumed eating Chebar cheese and hanging out with different group of his exiled Jewish buddies.

Seven days later God showed up again

God: Okay, here’s the deal.  If I announce that an evil man is going to die, it’s going to be your job to warn him.  If you don’t warn him to change his ways and he dies a sinner, I will hold you responsible for his death but if you do warn him and he doesn’t stop sinning he’ll die a sinner but your life will be spared. Got that?

Ezekiel:  Uh . . .well . . .  uh . . .

God:  Now get up and go into the valley and I will talk to you there.

Ezekiel:  But I just got comfortable.

God:   . . . ahem . . .

Ezekiel :  Okay okay but can I at least bring my Chebar cheese with?

God:  If you must.

Ezekiel:  Say you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of those delicious chocolate-covered scrolls  would you?

God: Yes but you can’t have any.

Ezekiel:  Why?

God:  They’re too fattening.

Ezekiel:  What are you implying?  I’ve been eating too much Chebar Cheese?

God: All I can say is that last statement of yours needs no question mark.

Eziekiel:  Well!  I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life!

God:  That robe of yours is getting awfully tight . . . just sayin’.  So anyway, next I’m going to want you to  go home and shut yourself up in the house and I’ll tie you up with ropes so you won’t be able to go out in public then I’m going to paralyze your tongue.

Eziekiel:   Wait . . . is this some sort of new-fangled diet?

God:  I’ll tell you next week in Part II.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Please check back next week to find out  what God asks of Ezekiel next and whether or not Ezekiel will lose weight and overcome his papyrus allergy.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Ezekiel's_vision
What? You want me to eat that? Well, I’d much prefer some Chebar cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uh. . . no offense, but that chocolate kinda looks like water stains.
Uh. . . no offense, but that chocolate kinda looks like water stains.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Giddy Easy

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m practically giddy.  I can’t wait to show you all the offers that came in my mailbox yesterday for little ol’ moi! (I get giddy easy.)

Let’s start with this offer from  Xfinity, shall we?

 

Xfinity offer

 Okay, nice try to get me on board with your finity, Xfinity.  

I noticed you are now calling yourself  “the future of awesome” I’m sorry but I kinda don’t think you are.

Hey, I wasn’t going to say anything but you started it by sending me your offer to let me sign up for 2-year contract wherein you will be giving me a ton of channels that I’m never going to watch for $89 for the first year without mentioning how much you are going to raise that price in the second year.

Oh, wait, I see that in order to make your offer less lame, you are also offering to make my internet faster.  But it’s already so fast that if I click on something it appears right away. Does it really need to be faster than that?  I’m just asking Xfinity. (Can I call you X?)

X!  Listen to reason! Wouldn’t that be like paying the power company extra if I want my light bulb to light up faster than the speed of light?

Well you just take your time to answer, X.  It must be a heavy burden being the future of awesome.  Just keep repeating to yourself “I am the future of awesome” until it finally makes sense. You can do it X.  I have faith in you.  (If you need me I’ll be on the phone with my power company negotiating my commission for a little idea I want to pitch to them . . .)

Okay, Hearing Aid Company, you don’t have to get all shouty.  You’re not even sure if I’m deaf yet.  I know you’re hoping I am, but calm down!

 

Shouty Hearing Aid Junk Mail
Huh?

Okay this sounds  seems like a pretty good deal.  They’re saying you get to try their hearing aid for three whole weeks to see if it works. But shouldn’t you be able to tell in, say, three minutes?  I guess they are hoping that even if you can’t hear any better, if you wear the thing for three whole weeks you’ll become so attached to it, kind of like your favorite teddy bear (only one you stuff in your ears) you’ll be compelled to buy it.

A word of caution however.  The small print says: certain types of hearing loss may require a hearing aid model that is not appropriate for the three-week free trial.  

They must mean certain types of hearing loss that occur when you have potatoes growing out of your ears, I suppose, or maybe certain types of hearing loss that occur when you can’t hear anything because your ears are being plugged by hearing aids.

 

Okay here’s something that’s just downright disturbing!

A% & % U-Verse High Speed Internet
Eerie junk mail stalking

Do you see where some weirdo junk mail stalker has written “Wow great idea!” “This could really save money!” and “Why wait? I’m calling today?”  Oh yeah?  Well butt out weirdo junk mail stalker!  This junk mail is for ME.  Get your own junk mail!

 

Hey Lookee!   I am now a professional woman!  FINALLY!

National Association of Professional Women

Okay, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little.  I’m not a professional woman quite yet.  But my membership as a professional woman has been approved!  Yup.  I’m gonna network, I’m gonna learn, I’m gonna save.  Now all I have to do is make some powerful connections, build my personal brand and sit back and watch the money roll in!

 I’m gonna be rich, Baby!

I knew it would all happen for me some day.  I never gave up hope that my status as a woman would someday reach the level of professional. After all, I’ve got 10,000 hour thing covered and them some! It was only a matter of time before National Association of Professional Woman came a knockin’.   I’m getting giddy just thinking about it!   (Did I mention I get giddy easy?)

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

For Your Coloring Pleasure: Current Events Coloring Pages

Hello and Welcome Dear Readers! Today seems like a real good day for some current events coloring pages (gleaned from today’s obscure headlines) for your coloring pleasure! So get out your color crayons everybody and let’s get started, shall we?

Obscure Headline # 1:

Contrary to Popular Belief, Human Hands Are Not as Evolved as Chimpanzee Hands

Kurtis Hiatt from The George Washington University, tells us that from a purely evolutionary perspective, our hands represent a much more primitive anatomical structure when compared to the hands of  chimpanzees.

Apparently our hands have changed very little from that of our last common ancestor while chimpanzees have evolved significantly.

A finding which would finally explain why chimps are much better at knitting than humans are.

The More Significantly Evolved Chimpanzee Hand Coloring Page

Chimpanzee hand volunteering to knit

Obscure Headline #2:

Zoo Animals Monitored for Earthquake Clues

A popular zoo in China has become the focus of an unusual new earthquake prediction experiment.

It has long been thought that animals can predict earthquakes by sensing subtle changes in air pressure and other indicators, and now a group of researchers in China have decided to put the idea to the ultimate test by monitoring the behavior of 200 pigs and 2,000 chickens.

Whether or not any conclusive results will come from these observations remains to be seen.

The Chinese Researchers Monitoring Chickens to See if They May Be Sensing an Earthquake Coloring Page

Chinese Earthquake Researchers

 

Obscure Headline #3

Ancient Greeks Took Steps to Deter Zombies

The concept of the dead rising from their graves is certainly not unique to today.

In a cemetery near the coastal town of Kamarina in southeastern Sicily, archaeologists discovered bodies that the ancient Greeks had deliberately pinned down using heavy objects to ensure that would never rise from the dead.

Tablets transcribed with spells and curses were also found at the graves.

The Ancient Greeks’ Conclusion that Zombies Are Real Coloring Page

 Plato and Socrates discussing Zombies

 

 

Obscure Headline #4

A Drunk Man in China Hospitalized After Mistaking a Bowl of Liquid Concrete for a Bowl of Sesame Paste.

A resident of Nanjing in China’s Jiangsu province made headlines this week after he managed to eat a substantial quantity of newly mixed concrete after deciding the contents were edible.

Doctors pumped his stomach and were amazed that he survived due to the fact that the concrete had set while it was in his stomach.

Despite his ordeal, however, the man is expected to make a full recovery.

The Man Who Ate A Bowl Of Wet Cement He Thought Was Sesame Paste Coloring Page

Chinese man eats bowl of wet cement

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Hopefully these coloring pages will keep you busy for a while. 

Until next time, I love you

 

Fifties Fun with Radioactive Isotopes!

Dear Readers!  I went to the  thrift store yesterday.  I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.

Let’s take a peek at some of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . .  oh well let’s just keep moving.

 

Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!  That Father! Always with the pranks!  (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

 

The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.

Ha! That Father!  He’s always doing silly stuff like that to Mother. Of course,while Mother was taking a long walk off a short pier, she decided it might be fun to try a little fishing.  But what to use for bait?  Hm . . .

Of course, as you can see while Mother was trying to decide what to do next, the radioactive isotope Heinz Ketchup bottle fused permanently to Mother’s hand.  Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

 

Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.

Oh that wacky Father!  He made both Boy and Girl these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Admiral Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their radioactive isotope Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

Hey who’s this? Why it’s New Mother, of course. (Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand.)

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day!  And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of  Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because  — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!

“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.

Until next time . . . I love you

11 Ways to Tell If You’re Spending Too Much Time with Your Horse

When someone asks you your age, you respond by stomping one foot the appropriate number of times.

" . . . 37, 38, 39, 40  . . . " "Okay, Okay, you know what?  I don't even care anymore."
37, 38, 39, 40 . . . 
“Okay, Okay, you know what? I don’t even care anymore.”

Instead of using a mirror, you’ve taken to applying your makeup in the reflection of your horse’s eye.

You're going to wear that much blush, seriously?
You’re going to wear that much blush, seriously?

You think the best thing anybody could ever do is bale on you!

“What? For moi? THANK YOU!”

You often miss work due to coming up lame.

No I didn't say I can't come to work because I'm lame.  I can't come in because I came up lame.  What's that? Yes, there's a difference!
No I didn’t say I can’t come in because I’m so lame. I said I can’t come in because I came UP lame. What’s that? Yes, there’s a difference!

Sometimes you secretly want to bite your hairdresser when she’s brushing your hair.

I could so totally bite her right now.

All your shopping trips are reduced to the same question: Where can I find the carrots?

"Did you find everything you were looking for?" "Yeah pretty much."
“Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“Yeah pretty much.”

You’ve taken to nailing your shoes on too!

“Oh yeah they hurt . . . but they won’t come off!”

The term branding has taken on a whole new meaning (and it’s something you’re seriously considering).

“No wait!  I said I’m just considering it!

You want with all your heart for two plus two to equus four.

Anyone? Anyone?
“2 + 2 equus . . . Anyone? Anyone?”

If startled; you’ve been known to start a stampede.

“What was that noise?  I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”

And finally:

You’re thinking about changing your business cards from entrepreneur to entremanure.

“Yes, may I please speak to the Entremanure?”

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Lady MacBlump’s Peculiar Love

Lady Mildred Madonna Anita MacBlump

Wasn’t fat nor obese, she was pleasingly plump

 

She pined for Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

He was thin as a rail and always uneasy

 

Now Mildred MacBlump, she liked eating vermilion

And soft ice cream cones, it would seem, by the million

 

Whenever Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

Laid eyes on the sight of ice cream he got queasy

 

Lord Luther Wisconsin asked Mildred to marry

She asked him, “But aren’t you allergic to dairy?”

 

But Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie replied,

“Of course not Dear Lady!” (he quite blatantly lied)

 

And so Luther and Mildred were quickly conjoined

And ate steak after steak at the wedding (sirloined)

 

How much they enjoyed their wedded-bliss dream!

Until someone suggested they serve some ice cream

 

In the end, all it took was the smallest of bites

To extinguish Lord Luther Parcheesie’s night lights

 

And so Mildred MacBlump she just stiffened her lip

And heroically finished her Mint Chocolate Chip

Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie and Lady Mildred Anita Madonna MacBlump