Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Pop Quiz Time

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

Today’s Sunday school lesson will be a pop quiz. HA!   

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesPop Quiz Time

 

In the beginning God said:

a) let there be light

b) turn on the light

c) what’s wrong with this light

d) let there be Bud light

God created the world in:

a) Six days

b) a snit

c) vitro fertilization

d) all of the above

God created man in:

a) his own image

b) lieu of a better idea

c) his blue period

d) an inebriated state

God created Eve from:

a) Adam’s Rib

b) the goat bones left over from lunch

c) plastic bags, baling wire and four cans of creamed corn

d) plastic bags, baling wire and three cans of cream corn

Which fruit was forbidden in the Garden of Eden?

a) the apple

b) the chocolate-covered raisin

c) the plantain

d) The sun-dried tomato

Eve got talked into eating an apple by 

a) a snake

b) a nutritionist

c) Mary Tyler Moore

d) a holy ghost

God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for:

a) taking one bite out of an apple, not finishing it and then flushing it down the toilet

b) trampling God’s flowers

c) forgetting to water

d) subletting to chimpanzees

Once Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden of Eden, they didn’t want to be naked anymore because:

a) They never got a call back after job interviews

b) Frying bacon was quite painful

c) There was nobody to admire their lack of tan lines

d) It got chilly.

Please put down your pencils down. 

If you answered”a” to all of the above questions, congratulations!  You have just turned the world on with your smile!

I’m afraid the rest of you will have to stay after class until you find all 8 biblical Mary Tyler Moore’s in the picture below.

Mary Tyler Moore in the bible

Until next time . . . I love (is all around no need to waste it) you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: 318 Goat Hotcakes to Go!

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

This week Gregory learned about how Abram took 318 fighting men to rescue his nephew, Lot, who had been captured by five kings.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.

Gregory's Bible Stories 318 Goat Hotcakes to Go!

In last week’s lesson, we learned that Abram’s nephew and business partner, Lot, had opened up a branch office of “Just Goats!” in beautiful downtown Sodom.

The goat business was booming in Sodom. Goats were selling like hotcakes!  (Thanks to Lots’ having finally perfected his recipe for goat-hotcake batter.)

One day,  on his way to the bank to deposit two pieces of silver, four camels, three bags of grain, and get a roll of chickens so he could make change, Lot heard news that four kings with unpronounceable names from unpronounceable places had gone to war with five kings whose names were even more unpronounceable than the four kings with unpronounceable names and the places they were from were so unpronounceable,  everybody just said ‘oh the hell with it’ and ordered more goat hotcakes.

Occasionally between bites someone would shout “Go Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzim from Ham!”  or we’ve got your back “Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim!”  But mostly people just ignored the Ongoing Unpronounceable Name King Conflict preferring to eat goat hotcakes dripping in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter.

That is,  until the day five Kings with unpronounceable names rang Lots’ tent bell.

Lot:  Who is it?

Five Kings:  It’s five kings with unpronounceable names.  We just defeated the King of Sodom and now we are here to take you and all your possessions!

Lot:  There’s a King of Sodom?

Five Kings:  Yeah.

Lot:  How did you defeat him?

Five Kings:  It was easy.  He ran away and fell in a tar pit.

Lot:  You mean he died?

Five Kings:  No but he’ll be scrubbing up for the rest of his life. Now get your stuff we’re taking you and all your possession with us.

Lot:  Where?

Five Kings:  What difference does it make, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it anyway.

Lot:  Good point.

When Abram heard that his nephew had been captured by five kings with unpronounceable names, he would have cursed them, but he had kind of a speech impediment to begin with, and he just didn’t have the time nor the inclination.

He did however call together all the 318 fighting men of his camp:

Abram: Fighting men!  Come hither!  Let’s see . . . one . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . .

Random Fighting Man:  Whatcha doin’ Abram?

Abram:  Six . . . seven . . .wait no!  Nine . . .

Another Random Fight man:  Abram?  What are you doing?

Abram:  Seven . . . dammit!  I’m counting, idiots!

Yet another Random Fighting Man:  Can’t you sleep?

Abram and 318 give or take 12,000 (they just wouldn’t hold still) Fighting Men went to defeat the Kings that captured his nephew Lot.

Abram and his fighting men  pursued the five kings all the way to Dan.  (Who was asleep by the side of the road).

Then Abram divided his men into groups by estimating how many men would be in each group:

Random Fighting man:  Excuse me, Abram?

Abram:  What?

Random Fight Man:  Uh, I think you’ve divided us unevenly into fighting groups.   Aren’t you going to count us?

Abram:  Oh shut up and fight.

Not only did Abram and his 318 (but whose counting) fighting men defeat the five kings with unpronounceable names, they had chased them as far as  Hobah, north of Damascus, when all 318 of them got a mighty hankering:

Random Fighting Man:  Gosh I could sure go for some goat hotcakes right now.

Another Random Fight Man:  Me two!

Yet Another Random Fighting Man:  Me three!

Abram: I’m killing the next guy that counts.

Then Abram brought back his nephew, Lot, all of Lot’s possessions, including  Lot’s goat-hotcake-batter recipe, all of Lot’s animals, and even all of Lots cooking utensils right down to the spatulas and the women.

Then everybody drowned their sorrows in plenty of goat hotcakes, smothered in  goat syrup with plenty of ox butter and a good time was being had by all!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Be sure to check back next week to see what happens next!  

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Abram rescuing Lot

Based loosely on Genesis 14:1-16

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites – a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Circular Vacationing

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Copyright John Dixon

George where are you? I hear you — but I can’t see you.

I’m by the crooked tree!

Which one?

The one shaped like an S.

But they’re all shaped like an S.

I’m by the one that has a curlicue branch growing out of it.

But they all have curlicue branches growing out of them.

It’s wizened!

Oh wizened. That’s helpful, George.

Hey! You’re the one who insisted on vacationing at Macramé World, Marge!  Marge?  Marge?

I’m over here, George!

Where?

By the crooked tree!

Which one?

The one that’s shaped like an S.

* * *

If you would like to participate in Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple, write a 100-word story inspired by this week’s picture and  link up.  It’s fun!  It’s refreshing! You’ll like it! 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Farewell to Thee — My Beloved 3 3 3

Dear Readers, today marks the very last entry for the Trifecta Writing Challenge.

 After years of dedicated service to so many of us  writers, the editors have decided to close up shop and pursue new and exciting adventures.

I can honestly say, I’ve never had so much fun writing as I have writing for the wonderful and thoughtful writing challenges the editors at the Trifecta Writing Challenge set up for us each week.

It boggles my mind when I think of how much time and effort, thought and dedication they put into it. And I learned so much about how to write and met so many wonderful writers!

I appreciate all that they’ve done more than they’ll ever know.  And so it is with a heavy heart that I write this final challenge.

Farewell to Thee My Beloved 3 3 3

 Ah! Creative bliss!

Our weekly word bouquet

Where our words did pile up

 In fabulous array!

But over now, just let me say

There’s really nothing worse

When pretty-little, piled-words

Must scatter and disperse

 With much love and appreciation from just a few of those who would have never existed without you,

Tracey Hollaway
Mr. Wondlewinkie
Deputy Darwood Blick
Melvin Meebee
Wesley Nonlinger
Strutner Von Puddlepants
Mrs. MacSmathers
El Guapo
The Knee Deepians
Puffy Weemers
Piedmond Poink
Toots Tenyada
Heebs Hoover
Spendal Braun
Layla Bernice Stub
Annamarie Anabella Dot
Specks MacDiddles
Benjamin Feldermyer
Roger Lapew
Sarah Bubbles
Marty McDump
Chlorine Carmichael’s Mother
Markie MacGiggles
Magnificent Jones
Spinkz McCoy
Valeria Lafoot
Zingy Zanderlini
Judy Beyerstrom
Ingernelly Asp
Myopic Kate
Vince Valdarian
Turnelly’s Junkyard Hamster
Quasar Pottimas
The Angel Landsburyians
Lemonmaringuepieuary
Dilly Dallyer
The Residents of Panhandler Pennsylvania
Father Ozzie
Rear Admiral Rasputin Riboflavin
Jake Spitzwater
Marlene Frappizio
Dr. Sarandon Rap
Pamela Darling
Smolden Farlington
Shelden Pilfington
Little Horribella
Nigel Cornhusker
Larry Flerd
Becky Slater

Yaard Flunder
Don Bunkley
Studs McCain
Charlie Center
Al One
Talligas Harrington
Don Deeble
Helen Henderdorkle
Miss Penelope
Pickles the Snake
King Tut’s Righ and left-hand man
Dr. Cartwheel

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.

Gregory's bible stories by Linda VernonAbram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.

So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys,  marrying his sister and untying all his camels.

Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation.  The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along.  Then the  Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.

The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.

 And so began their journey:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram!  Did you see that sign back there on the road?

Abram:  No what did it say?

Lot:  It said, Welcome to Canaan.  Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!

Sarai:  Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.

Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.

Sarai:  Tell me about it!  I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.

Lot:  Uh oh, Uncle Abram.  It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.

Abram:  Oh nuts!  Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.

Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?

Sarai:  Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King!  Can we stop?

Goat Burger King employee:  May I take your order?

Abram:  Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.

Goat Burger King employee:  Sorry we’re all out.

Abram:  Of goat burgers?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Of everything but the water.

Abram:  Fine just give us three waters then.

Goat Burger King Employee:  We’ll have to charge you for water.

Abram:  Why?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Because you’re not ordering any food.

Abram:  Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .

Goat Burger King Employee:  Three free waters comin’ right up!

After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.

Smelling Egyptian Baked Goods

Abram:  Listen Sarai.  You’re a beautiful woman.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister.  That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.

Sarah:  Tell me about it!

So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could  not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.

The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.

But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:

Egyptian King:  The  Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

Abram:  Uh . . . you didn’t ask?

Egyptian King:  Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!

Abram:  Do I get to keep all the sheep and the  cattle and the slaves you gave me?

Egyptian King:  Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!

Abram:  I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .

Egyptian King:  Like I said there is absolutely no way!  No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!

So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.

Lot:  Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?

Abram:  You can say that again, right Sarai?

Sarai:  Tell me about it!

Abram and the King of Egypt

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Nature Inspired Art by My Brain Peanuts

Welcome to Saturday, Dear Readers!  Today my brain, Peanuts, went on strike and simply refused to come up with any ideas for today’s post.  So Peanuts and I went out for a little walk in nature and here’s what we found:

A leaf, a pine cone and a stick

A leaf, a pine cone and a stick

We found this leaf and this pine cone and this stick.  Frankly I don’t think that a leaf, a  pine cone and a stick are all that inspiring. However, Peanuts thought they were hugely inspiring.

Here’s some art Peanuts drew inspired by a leaf, a pine cone and a stick:

img050

A Duck

Moose and Squirrel Squirrel not pictured

And Moose and Squirrel sans squirrel

horse

A mighty stallion

img053

A Grateful Mother

 

Twiggy made from real twigs

Twiggy

Hunch Back of Notre Dame

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Marge Simpson

Marge Simpson

And there you have it Dear Readers!  A little nature inspired art by Peanuts.

Until next time . . .I love you

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome?

The Scenario:    Shuffle to computer holding toast and jam.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard. 

Slather jam on second piece of toast and shuffle back to computer.  Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard.

Now most people would label this as the beginning of a very bad day – a Jam Side Down Day, if you will. But for me, it’s simply part of my normal, everyday, existence.

That’s because I suffer from a syndrome called  Jam-Side-Down Syndrome or JSDS.  You’ve probably never heard of it before due to the fact that I just now made it up.

Jam in happier times.

Now, even though I just this very moment made up Jam Side Down Syndrome, I’m sure there will be a pill for it coming out on the market any minute now.

Just because the pharmaceutical companies have never heard of JSDS, as yet, doesn’t mean they haven’t been busy busting their humps  developing a new, miracle drug that will lessen the incidence of dropping something jam side down — just in case.

Extremely rare photo of Jam Side Up. Experts cannot agree as to its authenticity.”

And the real kicker is that this new miracle drug will probably be no more addictive than your average heroin cigarette!

So no big whoop all the way around!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Now it seems the only thing left for me to do is think up a quiz that would indicate whether or not a person might be suffering from JSDS.  Well, that’s smple!

Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome? The Quiz!

1) How many articles of clothing are hanging in your closet this very minute that have jam stains on them?

a) one

b) two

c) 17  perhaps?

2) How many times did you slip on some jam and fall down the stairs this morning?

a) one

b) two

c) 17 perhaps?

If a tree fell in the forest do you think it would land jam side down?

a) yes

b) no

c) 17 perhaps?

Suppose you were skydiving while eating toast and jam and your parachute failed to open. What odds would you give yourself of landing Jam Side Down?

A)  7 out of 23

B) 132 out of 6

C)  17 perhaps?

Suppose you were walking through a beautiful garden and were hit on the head by an asteroid with jam on it that was hurling to earth at a tremendous speed.  Would the undertaker have to charge extra for washing jam out of your hair?

A) yes

B) No

C) 17 perhaps?

So there you have it, Dear Reader.  If you answered yes, no, or 17 perhaps?  to any of the above questions, you are most definitely suffering from Jam Side Down Syndrome BIG TIME!

Quickly!! Put down that toast and jam and call your local pharmaceutical company immediately. . . there’s not a minute to lose . . .oh . .  and please, please try not to get jam all over the phone!

Until next time . . . I love you

 Memoirs of a Dilettante

Also today is the last day to pre-order Helena Hann Basquait’s book, Memoirs of a Dliettante so don’t forget to  pop on over to her site and click on Kickstart!  

The Neck of Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

 

Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

Had a heck of a time with her tubular neck

 

When through the town’s center she’d venture to walk

People whipped on their glasses in order to gawk

 

Her head bobbled and wobbled and tilted unsteady

(Which is par for the course when your neck’s like spaghetti)

 

And when desert winds blew from the south (Santa Anas)

Her neck!  It would bow like Chiquita Bananas!

 

Twas in such a state that she met her man, Nate

(He’s a sucker for woman whose necks oscillate)

 

And married got they — on the fourth of  July

Polly wore shorts and a turtleneck (high)

 

And happy they lived all their lives ever after

With Nate’s head in the clouds and hers in the rafter

* * * 

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Activity Page for Grown Up Children

Welcome Dear Readers! I thought it would be fun to post the very first Activity Page for Grown Up Children!

Let’s  start with some hidden picture fun!

Activity #1:

Uh oh!  It seems Arianna Slippington slipped into a vat of syrup again!  Poor, dear, clumsy Arianna!  Now she has all sorts of things stuck to her!  Can you find them?

img038

How many things did you find hidden in Arianna’s hair and stuck to her clothes?  

Did you find 8 things?  Good for you!  What about 10 ten things? That’s just super! But if you found all 12 things then you are very very very good at finding things stuck to someone who fell into a vat of syrup and got 12  things stuck to them. Give yourself a great, big gold star!

Activity #2

Uh oh! Dear Readers!  After slipping into a vat of syrup it looks like poor, dear, clumsy Arianna Slippington got herself into another jam!  She accidentally (or maybe on purpose) ran over her hairdresser at the drive-through beauty salon!  Whoops! Poor, dear, clumsy Arianna Slippington!

Now Arianna is on death row and in just a little while Arianna will be served her very last meal. Cut out the Arianna paper doll and the outfit you would like her to wear for her very last meal.

Arianna Slippington paper doll

Which outfit will you choose for Arianna?

Dress # 2

Dress #1 (1)

Oh very good!  The outfit you picked was a very good choice!

In fact, poor, dear, clumsy Arianna Slippington looks so  adorable in the outfit you picked  for her last meal, you deserve not one, but TWO GOLD STARS!

Activity #3:

Now it’s time to connect the dots to see where poor, dear, clumsy Arianna Slippington will go next! 

Connect the Dots to find out where poor, dear, clumsy Arianna will go next!

img042

Did you successfully connect the dots?  Let’s find out.  Does your picture look like this?

Arianna Slippington in heaven

Yay! You connected the dots successfully.

And good news!  It looks like poor, dear, clumsy Arianna Slippington made it to heaven after all!!  Don’t you just love it when activity pages have a happy ending?

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Well, this  concludes today’s activity page for grown up children, Dear Readers!  Please check back soon for more activity page fun.  Until then, remember to exercise caution when walking near a vat of syrup or driving through the hair salon.

Until next time . . . I love you

Swearing Off My British Murder Addiction

Dear Readers!  I woke up this morning from a horrible nightmare in which I found a puppy the size of a humming-bird clinging to a branch at the bottom of a swimming pool.  

I managed to pry the puppy off the branch and attempted to get help for it by running with it in my arms over the Golden Gate bridge — which had washed out during the night and had to be replaced by a wobbly wooden bridge that didn’t quite meet the other side– even though they had gone to the trouble of painting it the actual color of the golden gate bridge.   (There was also a flood where people wearing soccer uniforms were rushing by.)  I woke up terrified!  I know it doesn’t sound all that scary — but it really was a terrifying nightmare!

This looks a lot like the puppy I was carrying.  It was absolutely terrifying!

This looks a lot like the puppy I was carrying.  It was beyond scary!

You see, Dear Readers, I’ve started having nightmares lately, and I’ve never been much of a nightmare person.  And so this morning, I was earnestly  trying to figure out the cause of these nightmares when it hit me what the culprit was:

Amazon Prime and the BBC

I signed up for Amazon Prime awhile back. I don’t remember why, I really think it might have been by accident.  Anyway, they have 40,000 movies and TV episodes to choose from.   So I started binge watching British detective TV shows in the evenings.

While my husband, 37, was happily watching the science channel, I would only be pretending to be awed about what will happen when the sun becomes a red dwarf — because all the while I was watching –with one eye and one earphone — murders galore!

Murders that were dark and bloody and creepy and murdery as all get out.

And I just realized this morning (about ten minutes ago) that watching all these murders night after night are giving me nightmares!

Oh sure, I know a nightmare about having to carry a puppy over the golden gate bridge doesn’t sound like much of a nightmare,  but you’ll have to take my word for it that it was not only a nightmare, it was my  nightmare wake-up call!

So Dear Readers, as of today, I’m swearing off my British murder addiction.

No more Amazon Prime for me.  I’ll go back to watching the science channel with 37.  I won’t even mind watching that girl scientist they have on sometimes with the weird bangs, because no matter how horrible her bangs are, they  won’t be murdering anybody now, will they?

"Stop!  I can't take it any more!"

Honestly, I don’t know why it took me so long to put 2 and 2 together about my nightmares.

I guess as much as I love British TV detectives, I’d make a lousy one.  First of all, I have trouble following plots, so I’d have to have a sidekick explaining things to me everywhere I went, and, of course,  I’d only be able to solve murders that didn’t involve any freeway driving to get to the crime scene (especially on that wrong side of the road the British are so fond of ).

And as much as I like faking an English accent, I’m horrible at it — so I guess it’s best for all involved I’m not a British TV detective.

I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going with swearing off my British murdering, Dear Readers.  I only hope I can do it on my own and won’t have to join a murderer’s anonymous support group.

Wish me luck!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel

“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Flipping Through The Slightly Creepy Seventies

Welcome,  Dear Readers, to the weekend here at the blog! And because it’s Saturday,  we’re just going to kick back, drink some coffee, and flip (or flick if you’re from the UK) through old magazines from history’s  easiest decade to make fun of — the slightly creepy seventies!

Bettter Homes and Gardens 1976

Today we’ll be looking through a Better Homes and Gardens from 1976,

Let’s turn to the page, shall we

Look Younger for your Kids

Happily here’s a problem I’ve never had.  Wanting to look younger for my children.  Who wants to look young for their children?  I just figure as long as my appearance doesn’t embarrass them, they probably won’t ever notice how  young (or old) I look.

And how did slightly-creepy seventies mom stay looking young for her kids?  Well, by washing dishes by hand that’s how!

Ivory Soap

Back in the seventies, it didn’t matter if you face looked old as long as your hands looked young

Back in the seventies, having young-looking hands  was really a big deal.  Nobody cared about your face so much, but,  boy oh boy,  if your hands looked old, it was all over sister!   And the best way to keep your hands looking young  was to sell your automatic dishwasher and wash all your dishes by hand using Ivory liquid dish soap.

Well this is an interesting headline:

Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Cookware that was smarter than some women

Slightly Creepy Seventies Cookware that knew more than it was telling

Apparently back in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies,  only ‘most women’ were better cooks than their cookware.  There must have been some women wandering around the slightly creepy seventies whose cookware could cook better than they could.  How embarrassing!  I only hope their kids didn’t think their hands looked old –or they would have been sailing down the Slightly Creepy Seventies Creek without a paddle.

Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool

Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool

Okay, I’m not even exactly sure what a tool is, Dear Readers, but I’m pretty sure the guy in this picture represents The Quintessential Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool.

What?!  No!!

Ethel Mertz

Our beloved Ethel Mertz as Maxine the Coffee Lady?  That’s just straight-up I Love Lucy blasphemy!   I think you’ll agree, Dear Readers, it’s this kind of  bizarre strangeness that makes the Slightly Creepy Seventies, slightly creepy.

Well that and stuff like this too:

Floor Covering

Apparently it wasn’t enough just to have ugly tile on your floors in the slightly creepy seventies, they had to go and make little sticky linoleum tiles that looked just like  your ugly floor so  you could stick them on your walls and on your cupboards and on your furniture and on your cat.

Which is probably why more people went blind from staring at ugly tile than at any other time in our nation’s history.  And, perhaps not coincidentally,  more people were happy to have gone blind than at any other time in our nation’s history.

Here’s some  slightly creepy seventies towel folding:

Folding Towels weird

There is no way those towels are going to fit in that basket

I’m sorry Slightly-Creepy Seventies  housewife lady but that is a stupid way to fold towels  in any decade!  (But if it’s any consolation your hands do look young — what we can see of them anyway.)

Remember these?

Notes

They were called notes.  And it was the way people kept track of their activities and whatnot in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies  before there were smart phones and text messages.

And they didn’t work very well either:

One Day Early

Whoops!   Somebody didn’t read their slightly creepy seventies notes!

And finally, let’s end on this little bit of slightly creepy seventies fashion:

Captain and first mate t-shirts

Okay, I can’t actually prove it, but what do you want to bet this couple with their matching Captain ‘N First Mate  t-shirts are the proud parents of The Quintessential Slightly Creepy Seventies Tool.   Oh, and  you’ll notice they’re also  hiding their hands.  Apparently they have an electric dishwasher.

Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to close the magazine now, Dear Readers, as there is only so much of the slightingly creepy seventies we can take in one sitting!

Until next time . . . I love you