Weekly Trifecta Writing Challenge: Breaking the Ice

Hello Dear Readers!  It’s time for the weekly Trifecta Writing Challenge.  This week the prompt is the third definition of the word: club: 3a : an association of persons for some common object usually jointly supported and meeting periodically; also : a group identified by some common characteristic b : the meeting place of a club c : an association of persons participating in a plan by which they agree to make regular payments or purchases in order to secure some advantage d : nightclub e : an athletic association or team.

Breaking the Ice

“Listen Nan,” Nan’s pushy neighbor, Velma Vickers, was on her high horse again, “quit puttering around in your kitchen all the live-long day and get out of the house!

“But I’m not puttering, Velma,” Nan had tried to explain, “I’m experimenting with new ingredients from my organic garden.  It’s my passion!”  Nan said in her soft, unassuming way that Velma half-pretended to listen to while she scrolled through missed calls on her phone.

The following Wednesday, Velma and Nan pulled into the circular drive of Pamela Drapington’s Pendair Heights estate and parked behind a white Range Rover.  A thin, beautifully-dressed woman got out – her tanned skin reminded Nan of the perfectly browned turkey she had roasted last Thanksgiving.

“Margaret!  When did you get back?”  Velma called out to her.  Margaret responded with an air of boredom while faking a white smile that could have guided storm-tossed ships on a moonless night. “Yesterday,” she replied.

“Margaret, this is Nan.”  Velma said. “She became a member while you were away.  I’m very proud of myself for talking Nan, here, into getting out of the house and joining our little club.  She usually spends all day in her kitchen!”  Velma cackled. “Can you imagine?”

“Hello,” Nan said holding out her hand.  Margaret gave Nan a split-second, head-to- toe appraisal. Nan could tell that Margaret had pigeonholed her as a person who was somewhat lacking.

“She looks like she spends all day in her kitchen, alright.” Nan heard Margaret chuckle to Velma under her breath.

“Maggie Darling!  You’re back! “Another woman called out.  Margaret turned away then leaving Nan’s hand untouched.

It was while walking into the house — Velma, and Margaret chatting while Nan followed behind — that Nan made her decision.  She would serve the cake she baked after all.

“Oops!” Nan said to the back of the ladies. “I left my cake in the car! It’s an organic Red-Velvet Poinsettia Cake – I hope it’s good!”  Nan announced to everyone — but no one was listening.

“Of course you can have another piece, Margaret, don’t be silly!”

Until next time . . . I love you

What the Scientists Are Thinking About

Scientist’s Finally Discover What Really Killed the  Iceman

“I can’t really put my finger on it, I’m  just feeling kind of bleh . . .”

Scientists now believe that the famous iceman who died while wandering around in the alps 5300 years ago, and whose body was found perfectly preserved in a perfectly-round puddle of perfectly-melted snow, died from the head injury he sustained from the fall he took after being shot by an arrow while doubled-over from a gallbladder attack caused by eating too much fatty-ibex meat just moments before freezing to death on his way to a dentist appointment to get all his rotten teeth pulled out wearing nothing but a grass coat.

The Scientists are currently studying samples of his DNA to determine if the Iceman was married, how many kids he had and what his favorite color was.

Researchers Studying the Behavior of Ancient Peoples Now Believe They Weren’t as Dumb as They Thought They Were

“Ancient Person Cave Dweller” Illustration by the Dean of Arizona State University

Researchers from Arizona State University were flabbergasted to discover that people living in caves as far back as 164,000 years ago (that’s one-hundred-sixty-four-thousand-friggin’ years ago!) were actually smart enough to gather mussels, periwinkles and limpets and bring them back to their caves to eat.  

Up until this discovery, researchers assumed ancient peoples died of starvation immediately after birth.

Next, the researchers socks were blown clear out of the cave when they  discovered 57 (fifty! plus! seven!) pieces of reddish pigment laying around –  proving to the researchers that ancient peoples must have used the reddish pigment pieces for  “coloring their bodies or for other rituals” (other rituals to be determined at a later date when the researchers run out of other stuff to do).

Some of the researchers speculated that ancient peoples used their primitive color crayons to color in their primitive coloring books — though researchers highly doubt the ancient peoples were able to color within the lines as well as the Arizona State University researchers can —  with the possible exception of the Dean.

Salt and Early Civilization

“Hey what’s that?”
“Salt.”
“Oh.”

Thousands of years ago, long before salted French fries, salted peanuts, salt-water taffy, Lowry’s Seasoning salt, salted sunflower seeds, salted popcorn, salted Carmel Macaroons, salt shakers, salted pretzels, salted potato chips, salted corn tortilla chips, salted Fritos, and salted pumpkin seeds, people had to go to a whole lot of trouble to get things salted.

So when Researchers recently discovered that China was producing salt as far back as 4,000 years ago (that’s 40 multiplied by 100!) they were so taken aback — they found themselves completely at a loss for words which would account for why this is the shortest article on the page.

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Until next time . . . I love you

The Bible According to Gregory: Elijah Proclaims a Drought

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

Elijah Proclaims a Drought

The biblical King Ahab and his wife, Jezebel, were a couple of bad apples so rotten to the core, even Eve wouldn’t have touched them with a ten foot pole.

They were always doing horrible, evil things like opting to worship Baal, the weather god, instead of the real god, The Lord, who was so powerful He had no need of taglines.

The Lord, who hated being one-upped (which, in fact, could have been his tagline if he would have needed one), decided to cause a three-year drought to show King Ahab that it was The Lord who called the shots around there — not some wimpy weather deity-wannabe! HA!  Don’t make The Lord laugh! (Besides last time The Lord laughed, He accidentally created the platypus.)

One day, God told the prophet, Elijah, to deliver a message King Ahab.  Nobody had ever heard of Elijah before because he was busy attending Prophet Vocational College where he was getting his Biblical Prophet Certification.

The Lord told Elijah to go tell King Ahab that there was going to be a three-year drought. The conversation went like this:

Yeah, hi Ahab, I’m the prophet,  Elijah. Here’s my certificate.  Say, listen, I’ve got a message for you from God.  There’s going to be a draught.

You mean there won’t be any rain?

Nope,  not even any dew.

What about snow?

Ixnay on the nowsay, orrysay.

Oh itshay!

While King Arab was mulling over this news, the Lord instructed Elijah to go and hide by a creek where he could drink water.  The Lord  had also arranged to have Elijah’s breakfast and supper flown in by ravens — which was one of the perks of having attained one’s Biblical Prophet Certification.

“I hope you didn’t eat all the chocolate chips out of it again.”
“Squawk! Nevermore! Squawk!”
“Oh, that’s what you always say.”

Eventually Elijah drank up all the water in the creek (chocolate chip cookies always made him thirsty), so The Lord told Elijah to go find a widow in Zarephath who would feed him.

“But I don’t know the way to Zarephath!”  Elijah protested.  ”Just follow the phath.”  The Lord laughed, accidentally creating the giraffe.

So Elijah began walking and walking until he finally came to a sign that said:

Welcome to Zaraphath

Home of the Plague  

Population 211 7 4.

“Please bring me a glass of water and some bread,” Elijah said to the widow gathering wood underneath the sign.

But all I have is an extremely small cereal bowl of flour and a teensy thimble-full of olive oil that I was planning to make a microscopic loaf of bread out of for my son and I as a starving-to-death appetizer.

“Don’t worry, you will never run out of enough flour or olive oil until the drought is over.” Elijah pulled out his Biblical Prophet Certificate and the woman nodded her head, partly because she understood The Lord was on Elijah’s side and partly because she had a twitch.

A couple days later, the widow’s son died from an allergic reaction to microscopic bread.  But Elijah was able to pray him back to life.

Elijah brought the boy to downstairs to the kitchen to show his mother that her son was alive again.  The boy reached for a loaf of microscopic bread but his mother slapped his hand away.

“Oh no!  We’re not going through that again!” his mother laughed and the boy laughed and Elijah laughed and even The Lord laughed, accidentally creating the rhinoceros.

Then they all went right out and changed the sign.

Welcome to Zaraphath

Home of the Plague  

Population 211  7  4   3  4

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this weeks installment of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please check back next week for part two of the adventures of Elijah!

Until next time  . . . I love you

33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge: The Sun’s Summer Fun

Hello Dear Readers!  Well it’s time for the 33-word, weekend Trifecta Challenge. If you haven’t tried the Trifecta Writing Challenges yet, you should!   They are so much fun and a great way to hone your writing skills.  Today the Trifecta Challengers have asked us to write 33 words describing summer. 

The Sun’s Summer Fun

Sun looks innocent

Sun shines rays in eyes of kid eating Popsicle until kids trips and drops Popsicle

Sun chuckles

Sun shines rays to dry kid’s tears

Sun goes back to looking  innocent

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Until next time . . . I love you

Time for Our Weekly Creepy Seventies Fix

Hello Dear Readers!  First of all Happy Flag Day!  And for those of you who are from parts of the world where it isn’t Flag Day, don’t feel bad, Flag Day isn’t that much fun.

So anyway, before we begin today’s festivities, let’s all stand for the Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America

And to the republic for which it stands,

One Nation

Under God

Indivisible

With Liberty and Justice for All

(Did you stand up?  Either did I.)

Okay, now on to our Weekly Creepy Seventies Fix, where we look at pictures from the seventies that make us shudder and feel slightly sick to our stomachs because they are so weird and creepy.

It’s the kind of perverse pleasure only the Seventies can provide!

Today we’ll be making fun of this treasure from 1970:

Creepy and Weird Seventies Remodeling Book

Well, honey, I like the new Seventies kitchen remodel, sure, but where will we put our books?

“I’m so glad father made this bookshelf under the counter only accessible to six-year-olds . . . ah! Here it is, sis, that book I was telling you about, Atlas Shrugged.

Nothing epitomized a Seventies carefree childhood like a random ladder to nowhere.

“Come on Bobby! Climb up, it’s fun!”
“Shut up Robbie! You know people with peg legs can’t climb ladders.”

And no Seventies bathroom remodel worth it’s weight in Mr. T gold chains was complete without a primitive seventies tanning bed.

“Honey! HELP!
“What’s the matter now?”
“I’m fused to the tanning bed!”
“Again?”

And of course, every Seventies remodel had to feature a pool made out of horrendous “bricks of the seventies!”

“Please go in swimming with me, Morris.”
“Forget about it, lady, cats hate to swim.”
“But we put in this pool just for you, Morris!”
“Cry me a river, Mrs. Schmuckerson.”

How very Frank Lloyd Wrong of you, Dear!

Hey honey! Look what I built while you were away at your plant-hanger macrame symposium! And remember that placenta we saved from our last kid? I made that into a placenta floral arrangement for the coffee table! How do you like it honey? Honey where are you going?

I don’t know . . . but I’m walking out of the seventies and I’m never coming back.

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Until next time . . . I love you

Dead People I Love

Hello Dear Readers!  Lately I’ve found myself hanging out with a lot of really fun dead people!

You see, I’ve been surfing YouTube and watching clips of the old talk shows of the 60′s, 70′s and 80′s. These shows are a treasure trove of legendary showbiz types.  Here’s a couple of people I have a new appreciation for thanks to YouTube videos.

Oscar Levant

“There is a fine line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line.”

Fascinating Oscar Levant, a multi-talented genius.

Oscar Levant was a pianist, composer, humorist, actor and author and was famous for his witticisms in radio, television and the movies. He suffered from neurosis and hypochondria and he was  frequently committed to mental hospitals by his wife.

When asked by Jack Parr what he did for exercise, Oscar Levant replied:  ”I stumble and then fall into a coma.“

Still, he was talented as all get out and had a sharp wit and boy oh boy could he play the piano!

“In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.”

Oscar Levant died of a heart attack at age 65.  His death was discovered by his wife when she went to get him for an interview with Candice Bergen (Murphy Brown) who was a photo-journalist at the time.

Oscar Levant wrote three memoirs:  A Smattering of Ignorance, The Unimportance of Being Oscar Levant and the one I just ordered, The Memoirs of an Amnesiac.

Phyllis Diller

“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

Phyllis Diller was a comic and so much more.

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” 

We all remember Phyllis Diller as the wild-haired wife of Fang.  But she was also an accomplished concert pianist and performed with orchestras all over the country as Dame Illya Dillya.  She also loved to paint and many of her paintings have been bought by art collectors.

“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

Phyllis Diller was the mother of six children, three of whom she outlived.  One of her daughters suffered from schizophrenia and was institutionalized for most of her life.

After watching YouTube clips of her, I learned that she attributed her success in life to a book she described as life changing called The Magic of Believing by Claude M. Bristol.  She talks about it here:

The Magic of Believing is free online.  I found a free audio copy of it here: http://insideabundance.com/the-magic-of-believing-by-claude-bristol/

Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Readers, I hope you enjoyed the very first installment of Dead People I Love. 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

100-Word Friday Fictioneers’ Challenge: Midlife Crisis

Hello Dear Readers.  What do you want to do today?  Maybe you feel like writing a 100-word story explaining this:

No not this arrow. The picture below it!

Copyright -John Nixon

 

Midlife Crisis

He was in the process of changing careers?

Yes, Officer, he couldn’t take the clowns anymore, or the cutbacks.

Cutbacks?

They stopped providing seltzer and Bozo uniforms.

Really?

I mean, have you seen the cost of clown shoes lately?  We’re still paying off his clown-school student loans for godsakes!

So he enrolled in–

Human cannon ball college, yes, that’s right, Officer.  It was his final examination.

What a pity!  But I didn’t realize there was a human cannon ball college in town.

There isn’t.  This was an online human cannon ball college.

Probably not a good idea.

In hindsight, no.

Word count:  Exactly. 100. Words. Yay!

This is the Friday Fictioneer Challenge hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple.  To participate, all you have to do is look at the picture.  (You don’t have to look at the picture, but it’s easier when you do) and then write a story with a beginning, a middle and an end in 100 words or there abouts.  And link up over at Addicted to Purple.

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Until next time . . . I love you