Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

 

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

 

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

 

Or begin at the right  and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chairimg144

 

 

You took from that idiot right over there →

 

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

 

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

 

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . . 

 

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

Which you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

 

Who foretold of everything here you just read

And for which your beloved grandmother’s dead  

img145

 

 

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Wabble in Love

Miss Darlene Wabble brushed her long blonde hair, gazed at her reflection in the mirror and lamented the day her boyfriend, Mickey, had run off with Starina Strapazoid, the star of the Interstellar Circus Circuit and abandoned Darlene on planet Poiple to rot.

 

"Gosh I don't know why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I'm clearly the one who is double jointed."

“Gosh I don’t understand why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I’m clearly the one who is double jointed.”

Sure planet Poiple was a pretty nice place to rot as far as rotting goes — and Mickey had left Darlene everything she needed for her impending decomposition, a lifetime supply of Marie Callender Chicken Pot Pies, pirated HBO and a nice big fenced back yard to keep the pesky and dangerous Poiple Platacorns at bay, but you really couldn’t call Miss Darlene Wabble happy.  Cheerful, possibly, but let’s not split hairs so early in the story.

The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiplian Platacorn

The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiple Platacorn

One day, while Darlene was practicing her marksmanship on the Platacorns through her living room window with her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun (a Christmas gift from Mickey), there was a knock at the door, and guess who it was? Did you guess Mickey?  Good guess!

 

Darlene's high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don't worry, guns don't kill people, potatoes do.

Darlene’s high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don’t worry, guns don’t kill people; potatoes do.

Only not Mickey, her boyfriend, but Mickey the guy who lived next door whose name was also Mickey only he spelled it Mikki which was kind of sad even for someone from planet Poiple.

Mikki had come to borrow a potato because he had his heart set on having a potato for supper even though he was completely out of potatoes but had every other kind of tuber in his pantry.  But oh no! Mikki just had to have a potato for supper which should give you some idea of what it was like living with the people on planet Poiple or the Poiplians as they referred to themselves whenever they could find a way to fit it into the conversation (which was way more important to them than it should have been).

"Hi I'm Mikki.  Did I mention I'm a Poiplian?  I did.  Okay.  Just checking."

“Hi I’m Mikki. Did I mention I’m a Poiplian? I did? Okay. Just checking.”

As soon as Mikki blurted out his request to borrow a potato, Darlene immediately handed over her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun to Mikki.   After that Mikki invited Darlene over for supper, and they fell madly in love while Mikki was shooting out one hell of a potato salad!

One Hell of a Potato Salad

One Hell of a Potato Salad

And thus they lived happily until they died and eventually rotted but let’s don’t talk about that now.

The End.

Now go to sleep.

Oh and P.S. Try not to have nightmares about the Nine-legged, hump-backed Poiple Platacorn as they don’t even exist . . . as far as we know . . .

Oh Valentine! You had me at Dear Occupant:

Valentine's Day

Dear Readers!  I rushed breathlessly to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had a new suitor and just in time for Valentine’s Day!

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass . . . but still . . . 

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.

Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!

And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good proposal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is taking me in with this one.

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?

It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! 

Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

It seems now all I have left to say to Xfinity is

 “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant” 

I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a heck of a happy Valentine’s day this year!

If you need me I’ll be on hold with my new beloved XOXOXfinity!”

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But We Keep the Goats?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?

One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.

But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.

So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello.  Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:

Samuel:  Are you there God it’s me Sam

The Lord:  Sup Sam?

Samuel:  Oh no thanks.  I just ate.

The Lord:  No.  Sup is a cool expression I just made up.  It’s short for “what is up?”

Samuel:  Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.

The Lord:  Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!

Samuel:  What?

The Lord:  Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo.  Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people,  but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?

Samuel:   Uh . . . no habla Espanol?

So Samuel told the people everything God had said:

People:  We want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.

People:  Who cares!  We still want a king!

Samuel:  Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!

People:  Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.

People:  But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?

Samuel:  That I don’t know.  But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.

People:  And we  keep the goats?

Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king,  God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!

People:  But the goats are ours to keep?

Samuel:  Yes I suppose.   But do you want to live as free men while creating  a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats?  God wants to know which it’s going to be.

People: What’s the latest we can let him know?

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.  

Until next time . . . I love you

"You can put your hand down, I'm only taking non-goat related questions."

“You can put your hand down, I’m only taking non-goat related questions.”

 

Confessions of a New Age Failure

 meditation

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

 

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

Buddah out to lunch_s

 My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

 

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

 

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

psychic

So to  you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

 Thrid eye

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Jesus and the Foot Washing Incident

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about Jesus and forgiveness. 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us all about it.

gregoryJesus and the Foot Washing  Incident

One day Jesus was invited to have dinner at the house of Simon, the Pharisee. The Pharisees were a group of middle-class biblical businessmen who hung around the Chamber of Commerce every waking minute to make sure everyone followed all the rules correctly.

Jesus and Simon were just sitting down to dinner when a woman who leads a sinful life knocked at the door:

Simon:  Who is it?

Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life:  It’s me.  The woman who leads a sinful life.

Simon:  Can you narrow it down a little?

WWLASL:  I’m the woman who leads a sinful life and carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever I go?

Simon:  Hm. . . wait a minute . . . you’re not the woman who leads a sinful life who carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever she goes and has hundreds cats are you?

WWLASL:  No that’s my sister.  She’s always borrowing my alabaster jar of perfume without asking.  If you’ve ever noticed, it’s got scratches all over it.  Anyway, I heard Jesus was eating dinner with you, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I came in and stood behind him and cried.

Simon:  Is that okay with you Jesus?

Jesus:  Sure.

Simon the Pharisee opened the door and let the Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life inside and she went over to Jesus and stood behind him — by his feet, crying, and wetting his feet with her tears. (Some biblical scholars believe Jesus’s Feet were double-jointed causing them to be in the correct position for getting wet if they were being watered by the tears of a woman who was standing behind him. Still other biblical scholars believe, however, that they work too hard and went home early.)

Simon:  Excuse me?  Hey you!  Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life!  Your tears are getting Jesus’s Feet wet.

WWLASL:  Oh I’m so sorry!  Gosh this is embarrassing.  Do you have a towel–well never mind I’ll just use my beautiful, long  hair.

The Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life then kissed Jesus’s Feet, and poured all the perfume from her alabaster jar onto the Jesus’s Feet.  Simon was thinking that if Jesus really was a prophet, he would know she was the Woman Who Leads A Sinful Life.  But if Jesus knew that, he wasn’t letting on.  Instead Jesus completely changed the subject:

Jesus:  There were two men who owed money to a moneylender.  One owed him five hundred silver coins and the other one fifty.

Simon:  Oy!  This isn’t going to be another arithmetic story problem is it?

Jesus:  No don’t worry.  It’s a parable.  Anyway, the moneylender canceled the debts. Which man would love him more?

Simon:  Uh . . . the one who was forgiven more?

WWLASL:  Is that your final answer?

Simon:  You stay out of this.

Jesus: Do you see this woman?  I came into your home and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss but she has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no olive oil for my head but she has covered my feet with perfume.

Simon:  Am I correct in assuming, then, that my killer recipe for Simon The Pharisees  Tuna Noodle Casserole Delight didn’t make up for all that?

But if Jesus heard Simon’s question, there is no record of it in the bible.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

"What's this?" "What's what?" "I don't know, it  looks like tuna casserole."

“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“I don’t know, it looks kinda like tuna noodle casserole.”

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God gave the Philistines tumors when they stole the Lord’s Covenant box.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Philistines Get Tumors

One day a group of untrustworthy Philistines (the Philistines were a group of smarmy biblical peoples all named Phil) were going to some yard sales over in the town of Ebenezer when they came across the Lord’s covenant box.

One of the more gregarious Philistines kept the lady who was running the yard sale distracted by pretending to be interested in a souvenir rock from the Promised Land while two other Philistines ran off with the Lord’s covenant box.

Phil:  Oy!  This covenant box is heavy.  Let’s drop it off at the nearest temple.

Phil:  But the nearest temple’s a block away.

Phil:  No there’s one right behind you. See that sign?

Phil:  You mean the one that says Dagon’s Temple ‘n Dry Cleaners?

Phil:  Yeah.

Phil:  But who’s Dagon?

Phil:  Who’s Dagon? The God of Clean Clothes! Don’t you ever go to false idol sabbath school?

Phil:  Not if I can help it.

Phil and Phil set the Lord’s Covenant box next to the statue of Dagon which immediately toppled over causing both its arms and its head to break off.  

"Doggonit! You broke Dagon!

“We might be able to glue it.”

Phil:  Whoops.

Phil:  Now what do we do?

Phil:  I don’t know . . . say, do you feel lumpy?

Phil:  Come to think of it, yes. Uh oh.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Phil: You mean that we both got hives from those figs we ate for lunch?

Phil:  No, that the God of Israel is punishing us for stealing His Covenant Box and putting it next to the statue of Dagon by giving us tumors all over our bodies.

Phil:  Then no, I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking.

Phil: Say, we better get a message to all five kings of the Philistines, King Phil, King Phil, King Phil and King Phil.

Phil:  What about King Phil?

Phil:  Oh yeah, him too.  I don’t know why I always forget him!

After that, all five King Phils got together and did some official hub-bubbing on how to rid themselves of The Covenant Box and their tumors. They decided to try dumping the box off at the city of Gath.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Gath?

King Phil:  Not so good. Everybody in Gath has bumps.

King Phil:  Maybe everybody in Gath needs a bath?

King Phil:  Always the comedian, aren’t you, Phil.

Then the five King Phils decided to try leaving the Lord’s Covenant box in Ekron.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Ekron?

King Phil:  Everybody’s got bumps.

King Phil:  Just bumps?  No lumps?

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps.

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps?  Hearing that makes me down in the dumps!

King Phil:  Phil.  Stop.  I begging you.

Seven months later the priests and magicians were brought in to see if they could come up with a way to rid the Philistines of their tumors by getting rid of the Lord’s covenant box –which was turning out to be way more trouble than it was worth.

King Phil:  Good news!  The priests and magicians say we can rid ourselves of our tumors if we put the Covenant Box on a wagon with another box next to it that contains five golden tumors and five golden mice and hitch it to a wagon pulled by two cows that will pull it to the town of Beth Shemesh while they moo all the way there.

King Phil:   Why didn’t we think of that?

King Phil:  Too obvious?

No wait, Bessy.  Let's get our moo's in sync.  First I'll moo and then you moo." "My name's Bossy, not Bessy."

“Now wait, Bessy. Let’s get our moo’s in sync. First I’ll moo and then you moo.”
“My name’s Bossy, not Bessy.”

When the Covenant box got to Beth Shemesh, the people rejoiced by  chopping up the wagon and the cows and by burning them as a sacrifice to the Lord and a good time was had by all — except for the seventy guys who the Lord killed for looking in the box — but it was still pretty fun anyway.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to see what Gregory learns about next time.

Until next time . . . I love you

"Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?" "I'm going with dry skin."

“Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?”
“I’m going with dry skin.”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God whittled down Gideon’s army from 22,000 to 300.

Let’s listen in as Gregory fills us in on what must have happened.

gregory God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

When last we left our hero, Gideon, he and the Lord had been sorting through 22,000 potential warrior applicants to decide who would go to war against the Midianites.  The weeding-out process was accomplished by having the applicants answer the following questionnaire:

Circle the best answer to the following questions:

Gideon and five men of his men were fighting ten Midianites.  Two of his men beheaded six Midianites and three of his men stabbed four Midianites seven times. How many heads of dead Midianites did Gideon’s wife have to find room for on their trophy shelf. Round up to the nearest Midianite.

A) 12

B) 117

C) 1,283, 747

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

On any given day, I have been known to worship:

A) God

B) Baal

C) Golden idols

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

My favorite offering to burn on the altar is:

A) First born lamb

B) a quart of olive oil

C) S’mores

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

If nobody’s looking, I drink out of the river like a:

A) dog

B) kitty

C) giraffe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

I like to use the following musical instrument to kill people in battle:

A) a trumpet

B) a flute

C) an oboe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to battle with Gideon to defeat the Midianites I plan to carry:

A) An empty jar with a torch inside and a trumpet

B) One small goat and a bugle

C) A big stick

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

The nation of Israel is located on:

A) The northern most tip of the Red Sea

B) Mount Ararat

C) The coastal plains of Galilee

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to heaven, I hope to be taking with me:

A) An honorable soul that has followed God’s word

B) A mind that is worthy of the heaven

C) Noble intentions and a pure heart

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideo and his trumpeters

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned more about the adventures of Gideon.

Let’s listen in shall we?

gregory Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Last week, the Lord sent a supernatural, glowing, angel who was wearing a radiant robe that had the words “God Squad” illuminated across the front of it with a message from the Lord about how He wanted Gideon to rescue the Israelites. The Angel was also carrying a magical fire stick.

But Gideon wasn’t convinced that the angel was really a messenger from God because in those days angels were always popping up left and right and magical fire sticks and regular sticks were practically identical.

The Angel and Gideon

“Hi, yeah, I’m an angel of the Lord.”            “Sorry but I’m going to have to see some ID.”

 

The Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool Miracle

Gideon needed more proof that God wanted him to rescue the Israelites, so he asked God to perform the wildly-popular Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle which was considered the G0-To miracle in those days for Generation 3000 BC Millennials.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  So, Gideon, did you get my message from the angel about how I want you to rescue the Israelites?

Gideon:  Yeah.

The Lord:  And?

Gideon: Well, Lord, I was hoping that instead of a message from an angel that  you’d perform the miracle where I leave some dry wool outside at night to see if it was still dry in the morning.

The Lord:  Aw come on, Gideon!  That’s such a lame miracle. If you really want a miracle, I could part the Red Sea.

Gideon:   Meh . . no offense but that’s a little passé don’t you think?

The Lord: Okay I admit it’s a little old school oh wait. . .  I’ve got an idea! How’s about I whip you up big ol’  burning  bush? We could roast marshmallows. . .

Gideon:  But I hate marshmallows! I want the  Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle! I want! I want! I want!  Gimme!  Gimme! Gimme!

The Lord:  Okay  okay! I forgot how spoiled you 3000 BC Millenials are!

Later:

The Lord:  So Gideon, I see you have amassed a great army to rescue the Israelites.  How many have you amassed thus far?

Gideon:  Let’s see here . . . Roman numeral one. . . Roman numeral two . . . Roman numeral three . . .

The Lord:  Uh . . it looks  like about twenty thousand.  Uh oh.  With so many men, they’ll  be sure to win the war against the Medianites and then nobody will give Me credit for it. And even though I’m God, I still hate it when that happens. We’re going to have to weed some of them out.  I know!  Let’s send everybody home who is afraid.

Laterer:

The Lord:  Did you send home everyone who was afraid?

Gideon:  Yeah, that got rid of 22,000 right off the bat but there’s still 10,000 left.

The Lord:  Hm . . . that’s still too many . . .oh I know!  Send them all down to the river to get a drink and then I’ll come along and send the guys home who drink out of the river like a dog. Then just to be on the safe side, I’ll throw a stick really far away and that should take care of the stragglers.

Latererer:

The Lord: Okay Gideon how many we got now?

Gideon: Let’s see here.  I think about 500 . . . oh wait . . .  make that 300 . . . 200 just ran after a cat.

The Lord:  Perfect!

Gideon:  Wait a minute, Lord.  I see  a couple of them are turning around three times before lying down.  Should I get rid of them too?

The Lord:  No.We’ll keep them as subs.

Gideon:  Good idea!  They don’t call you The Lord for nothing!

The Lord:  I love you Gideon that’s why I just created this stack of bibles with your name on it!

Gideon:  Oh Whoopty-friggin’-do.

The Lord: Pardon?

Gideon:  Nothing.

 And that concludes part II of the adventures of Gideon.  Please check back next week at this same time when Gideon’s servant, Purah, comes up with a fantastic money-making idea for Purah-ina people chow.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideon's men drinking like dogs

A Letter to Father Time From His Boss

Dear Father Time: 

Permit me to say, my dear Father Time

In this letter I write you (that I’m going to rhyme)

It looks like the future’s a big disappointment

Take pimples, for instance, there’s still not an ointment . . .

 

And no flying cars, now what’s up with that?

And where is that pill that you promised for fat?

 

No robots to wait on us twenty-four seven?

No ray guns to use to send someone to heaven?

 

Oh sure, we’ve got lasers, but that point is moot

When you up and forgot: anti-gravity boot

 

And where, may I ask, are time travel machines?

On the junk heap, no doubt (with the synthetic spleens)

 

My dear Father Time, I’m  perplexed and chagrined

That you’ve fallen behind on the future therein

 

After talking it over with Jack Frost and Cupid

I regret to inform you (I really feel stupid)

It’s time to let someone else give it a whirl

You’ve just been replaced by the Calendar Girl

img133

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about the time the Israelites were having some trouble with the Medianites.

Let’s listen in to Gregory’s take on all this:

gregory Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

One day the Lord left the planet for five seconds and when he came back the people of Israel were sinning against him. So as a  punishment, He let the people of Midian rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before He thought up”timeouts”)

This was a horrible punishment to the Israelites because the Medianites were a race of big, fat bullies and the Israelites were more on the bookish side.  So the Israelites fled to the hills and hid in caves while the Medianites partied with their gangsta buddies, the Amalekites, in the Israelites’ homes — helping themselves to the Israelites beer, feasting on the Israelites’ food and even using the Israelites’ toothbrush.

One day, the Israelites ventured out of their caves to plant some crops and tend their animals.   But when they woke up the next morning they found that the Medianites had trampled all their crops and tipped all their cattle. The Israelites couldn’t take it anymore and cried out to the Lord.

The Lord, who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent an angel to talk to an Israelite named Gideon who, at that particular moment, just happened to be threshing some wheat on a wine press. (Gideon was a kind yet confused man.)

Then an angel appeared who might have been the Lord and said:

Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:  The Lord is with you brave and mighty man.

Gideon:  Oh really?  Then why is all this bad stuff happening?

AWMHABTL:  Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re going to need to go rescue Israel from the Medianites.

Gideon:  Who Moi? Have you seen my muscles?

AWMHABTL:  What muscles?

Gideon: I rest my case.

AWMHABTL:  I know this is a little bit off topic, but I’m really starving.  I skipped lunch.

Gideon:  I’ll be right back, stay right here.

Gideon rushed back to his house and cooked a young goat, used a bushel of flour to make bread without any yeast and put some meat in a basket and the broth in a pot and delivered it to the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:

AWMHABTL:  Thanks.  Now put it over there on that rock and stand back.

Gideon put the food on the rock and the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord reached out and touched it with a stick and  the rock burst into flames.This terrified Gideon. In fact, it would have scared the bejesus out of him had he not been such an old-testament kind of guy.

gideon and the angel

Gideon:  Sovereign Lord! I have seen your angel face-to-face!

The Lord:  Peace.  Don’t be afraid you will not die.

Gideon:  Well thank God for that!

The Lord:  You’re welcome.

That night the Lord handed Gideon his To-Do List:

The Lord’s To-Do List for Gideon:

1) Take your Father’s bull and another bull seven years old

2) Tear down your father’s alter to Baal

3) Cut down the symbol of the goddess Asherah

4) Build a well-constructed altar to Yours Truly on top of this mound

5) Burn second bull as offering using the symbol of Asherah .

6) If you have any questions, cry out between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday

 Then Gideon had a convoluted idea:

Gideon:  Say Lord, in order to find out if you want to use me to save Israel, I was thinking that maybe you could put some wool on the ground where we  thresh the wheat and if in the morning there is only dew on the wool but not on the ground, then I will know that you are going to use me to rescue Israel . . .

The Lord:  Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask me?

Gideon:  I suppose.  But then I was thinking that if there was dew on the wool maybe the next night I could put the wool on the ground and if there was dew everywhere but on the wool, then that would mean that you are indeed going to use me to rescue Israel and–

The Lord:  Wool Schmool!  I’m just going to tell you now, you’re rescuing Israel.

Gideon:  Fine be that way.

Well that’s it for part one of the adventures of Gideon, Dear Readers.  Please come back next week when Gregory tells us how Gideon defeats the Midianites.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Remembers: Santa Claus

Welcome Dear Readers to this edition of My Brain, Peanuts, remembers.

Today’s Topic:  Santa Claus

The first memory of Santa I have takes place in 1954, when I was three, and Santa Claus was making a live appearance in the basement of the Presbyterian church.  On the big day, everyone filed down the stairs to the chilly  church basement and eagerly awaited the arrival of The Man in Red. (Back then church-goers didn’t really worry about anyone forgetting that Jesus was the reason for the season because 1) there was plenty of room in church for both Santa and the baby Jesus and 2) nobody had thought of that catchy phrase yet.)

Ice-Cold Church Basement Sunday School Clay

Anyway, we all stood around watching our breaths and breathing in the aroma of Sunday School Clay.  That’s because our church basement always smelled like Sunday school clay. Sunday school clay is different from ordinary clay by virtue of the fact that it is kept in the cold church basement.  So Sunday school clay was always somewhat frozen and by the time you got it warmed up enough to roll it into something as simple as a snake, Sunday school was over.

I never understood why they even bothered with having clay unless it was just something to keep us occupied while the Sunday School teacher was earnestly trying to impart some useful biblical wisdom into our somewhat disengaged little minds.

A Communistic Christmas?

Anyway, we all stood around waiting for Santa and shivering beneath the glare of church basement’s fluorescent lights that cast a Russian-esque-like hue over the scene — probably not unlike the same scene that was transpiring on in the opposite side of our cold-war globe in the basement of the Kremlin while communist children waited for Soviet Santa to make his appearance –i.e. Khrushchev in a fuzzy hat.

Santa Khrushchev

I will bury you! No wait . . . have yourself a very merry Christmas . . . and then I will bury you!

 Anyway, when our Santa Claus finally appeared, he was wearing a rubber Santa Claus mask.  The weird thing is, I was the only one that seemed to notice.

Santa Mask

Mask? What mask?

All the kids ran up to him as he handed out candy.  I thought this was extremely alarming. So I began shouting at the top of my lungs, “Thanta Clauth ith wearing a Mathk!”   (I had a slight lisp at the time.)

But no one seemed to care.  Everyone was on board with this rubber-masked imposter. They were taking candy from him like it was candy.  What was wrong with everyone?  I screamed!  I shouted!  I was a three-year-old Paul Revere trying to warn my fellow pint-sized citizens not be taken in by this Santa Claus Charlton!  But nobody listened.

Not the Real Santa

On the way home, my mother tried to tell me that that wasn’t the real Santa wearing the rubber mask in the church basement.  The real Santa was busy at the north pole making presents, and he couldn’t take the time off to come all the way to our town to hand out candy (Plus it was probably too cold in that church basement even for him!)

I do believe in Santa . . . I do . . . I do . . . I do!

I wanted to believe her story.  I really did.  I looked up at the stars and tried to imagine Santa flying through the air.  I strained to hear the sound of Santa’s sleigh bells.  I neither saw nor heard a thing.  Try as I might, the integrity of the Santa story was beginning to form some big, gaping holes.

The Jack Hubbard Incident

When I was five years old, the subject of Santa came up, and I cruelly broke the news to dear, sweet, innocent, Santa-believing, Jack Hubbard that there was no Santa Claus.  I explained that he was merely a figment of the imagination, a tale told by an idiot, full of thound and fury thignifying nothing.(I still had my lisp).

A traumatized Jack Hubbard ran home, broken-hearted and told his mother what I had said.  Mrs. Hubbard called my mother.

My Mother:  Hello

Mrs. Hubbard:  Jack said Linda told him there was no Santa Claus. Did she tell Jack that?

My Mother:  Oh gosh I don’t know.  Let me ask her (my mother put the phone to her chest).  Linda, did you tell Jack there is no Santa Claus?

Me:  Yes.

My Mother:  Yes apparently she did tell Jack there wasn’t any Santa Claus.

Mrs. Hubbard: Why did she do that?

My Mother:  Oh gosh. Let me ask her.  (My mother put the phone to her chest again) Linda, why did you tell Jack there wasn’t any Santa Claus?

Me:  Because there isn’t any Santa Claus.

My Mother:  Oh.

I don’t remember what my mother said after that, but I do remember that neither my mother nor Mrs. Hubbard were none to happy with me and, frankly, I’ve been feeling guilty about it ever since.

This year my five-year-old grandson asked me if Santa Claus really existed.  I told him that believing in Santa Claus is a personal decision that he would have to make for himself. This seemed to placate him since he didn’t exactly understand what I was saying.

If only I had thought of this answer when I broke the news to Jack Hubbard.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Interpreting the Christmas Greetings of Cows

Tis that time of year again, Dear Readers!  Christmas is fast approaching — when we hang up the stockings, put up the tree, and start using the word “tis” for it’s.

It’s Tis also the time of year when one might want to interpret the many Christmas Greetings of cows.  And so without further adieu, let’s take a look at:

Interpreting the Christmas Greetings of Cows

Merry Christmoo!  How cows say, “Merry Christmas!”

Merry Christpoo! How cows say, “We’ve got Christmas gifts!”

Merry Christmeh!  How cows say, “Merry Christmas but we’re Jewish.”

Merry Christba-a-a-a! How cows say, “Merry Christmas! I was born in the wrong body!”

'Merry Christmoo! "
“Merry Christmoo everybody!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Now get out there and wish your favorite cow a Merry Christmas!

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you