The Dark and Stormy April 15th Deadline

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

–Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

It’s April 15th, so go ahead and round-up all those remaining brain cells that have yet to be killed off and put them away in a safe place because you’re going to need only the dead ones for this next task.

That’s because April 15th is the deadline for the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest, a competition sponsored by San Jose State, where contestants vie for the dishonor of writing the worst beginning sentence to an imaginary novel inspired the purple prose of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton.

Now since it was still a couple of days before the first day of the rest of my life, I decided to enter the Bulwer Lytton Fiction contest and guess what? Turns out I’m a horrible writer! So horrible, in fact, that out of 10,000 entries, my very bad sentence won the grand prize for the very crummiest of  them all!

My triumphant mess went as follows:

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically, but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank and due to and overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless and an appendix and as lonely as a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid free fitness center.

Now because I aspired to be a tad bit better than bad, I decided to sit down to my keyboard and make the following attempts to write at least one sentence that could possibly be considered “pretty good.”

Amanda’s obsession for making homemade bread for the entire neighborhood was beginning to take over her life, and as she sat at the kitchen table with her flour-covered face in her flour-covered hands, the warm sun shone steadily through the kitchen window and Amanda began to slowly rise up out of her chair — suddenly realizing that she needed to be kneaded.

and

Charlie dreamed that he was dreaming he was awake and had fallen asleep.

OK, truthfully, at this point, I was starting to get a bit nervous about being able to come up with a pretty good sentence. It seemed the harder I tried to write pretty good, the more elusive “pretty good” became. Frankly, serious doubts were beginning to pierce the ears of my soul. But still I forged onward:

Rayton, a fine Guppitoid from Repox VII couldn’t put his slimy little fingerling on why Jessica, an ichthyolgist’s dream, wouldn’t have him for her husband when he had made it abundantly clear that the only domestic duties she would have to perform would be to boost his ego and to bear him several million live young a year, which he was even willing to help her eat.

and

As soon as Mary got to her walk-up, she was held up, tied up, and told to shut up, but luckily the culprits were picked up, locked up and Mary was helped up and then she threw up.

Ah! Finally I was warmed up. But one thing was certain. If I was ever going to write that pretty good sentence, I needed to relax.

I began taking deep breaths, one after another until the last thing I remember was falling off my chair and hitting the floor like –what else — a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid-free fitness center.

Which brings me to the moral of this story:

She who enters the Bulwer Lytton can take a lick in’ and keep on tickin.

Hey now! That’s a pretty good sentence if I do say so myself. But my quest for a pretty good sentence does not end here. I’m going to keep at it until I come up with the perfect pretty good sentence. It may take awhile but, after all, I do have until the last day of the rest of my life, or April 15th — which ever comes first.

Until next time . . . I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Dear Readers.  I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for today’s true news stories gleaned from around the world.

Computer Scientist Valery Spiridonov is set to become the first man in history to undergo a head transplant.

The 30-year-old suffers from Werdnig-Hoffman disease, a genetic muscle wasting disorder that has left him confined to a wheelchair.

Dr. Sergio Canavero thinks that he can successfully perform the head transplant and has announced that he will attempt the procedure within the next two years. But medical professionals have branded Dr. Sergio Canavero’s idea as completely nuts.

First Man in History to Undergo Head Transplant Coloring Page

Head Transplant Coloring Page

 

A Robot named Kirobo kept astronauts company during its 18-month stay aboard the space station.

In 2013, a robot named Kirobo spent 18 months in space before returning to Earth in February of this year.

During its stay, the robot was involved in numerous experiments and spent hours conversing with the astronauts.  Yorichika Nishijima said, “It’s sort of a symbolic project so people can understand how people interact with robots.

Kirobo Conversing With Astronauts For 18 Months Coloring Page

Japanese Robot Converses with astronauts in space station

 

A peculiar animal so strange Charles Darwin was baffled by it was unearthed in Uruguay 180 years ago. 

With the body of a horse, the legs of a camel and the nose of an elephant, this creature roamed the earth about 10,000 years ago. The bizarre species called a Macrauchenia Patachonica was a complete mystery to scientists at the time.

Now scientists, including specialists from the University of York and the Natural History Museum in London, have been able to use a technique called protein sequencing to determine that this bizarre species was actually a close relative of the horse.

The Scientifically Exact Rendering of What Scientists Believe the Marcrauchenia Patachonica Looked Like Coloring Page

the Marauchenia Patachonica

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages for today, Dear Readers.

Until next  time. . . Happy Coloring

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Penelope’s Distraction

When Miss Penelope walked into her third-grade class, a hush, like rain, came over her students.  It might have been because Miss Penelope was tall and beautiful with naturally-curly, flaming-red hair.  Or it might have been because Miss Penelope was carrying her teacup poodle, Nippers, in her tea-cup. Then again, it might have been because Miss Penelope had three legs.

Benjamin Bananason’s hand shot up before Miss Penelope was even done writing MISS PENELOPE on the blackboard.

“Yes Benjamin.”  Miss Penelope said.

“Is there going to be homework this year?  What time’s lunch? And may I please use the bathroom?”

Miss Penelope crossed two of her legs and leaned on the other while she answered Benjamin’s last question affirmatively and pondered the other two questions.

While she was thinking, Rebecca Ribeye raised her hand.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“My aunt, Lavern, has naturally-curly, flaming-red hair just like yours, Miss Penelope.  She had to go to prison though.  What’s your doggie’s name?”

“Nippers” Miss Penelope answered, and then raised the tea-cup containing Nippers to her lips as though she would take a sip — but gave Nippers a kiss instead.

The children laughed until it was time for recess.

That’s when Principal Connie Vickers marched in.

“Well?  How did they respond?” Connie Vickers demanded.  “I would imagine the children were not able to talk about anything else all morning but your—“

“My teacup poodle, Nippers?”

“No, not Nippers!  Your . . . your . . . .” Connie squirmed and tried not to look at any of Miss Penelope’s legs.

“Oh you mean my distraction.” Miss Penelope said helpfully.  “My naturally-curly, flaming-red hair. “

“No!  Not that distraction!  I’m talking about your extra leg Miss Penelope.  I’m talking about the fact that you have THREE legs, Miss Penelope!”

In the silence that followed, Principal Connie Vickers reached her finger over to pet Nippers whose razor- sharp, tiny teeth went into the fleshy part of Connie Vickers finger like a knife through warm butter.

horrrible art Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Sewing for Teens

Welcome Dear Readers to the world of the Slightly Creepy Seventies where we  trip down memory lane by revisiting the pages of old magazines from the inexplicable decade of the 70’s.  

Today we will be flipping through the pages of “let yourself sew – a complete sewing book for teens” 

Let yourself Sew with Simplicity

Published during the great capitalized letter shortage of 1975.

 

Let’s open to the first page. Oh look!  It’s some actual Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens!

Seventies teens

As you can see, all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies look like they are between the ages of 35 and 40.  There are three theories for this:  1) The ugliness of the seventies was more aging to the skin than the rays of  the Slightly Creepy Seventies Sun  2) wearing stupid outfits you sewed yourself altered the chemical structure of  your DNA (not in a good way) or 3) all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies actually were between the ages of 35 and 40.

*Note the little boy in the striped, home-sewn whatevers is keeping a low profile.  It seems one of the teenagers between 35 and 40 has started a family unbeknownst to mom.  Sh . . .I won’t tell if you won’t.

Of course the Master Plan of sewing for your teenage self in the Slightly Creepy was to: “Create Your Never-Can-Be-Duplicated Specialness!” 

70's bathrobe coat img150

Well okay then!  And what better way to do that than to sew yourself a bathrobe and wear it out in public.  Oh and don’t forget that really good friend with the cheerfully sympathetic expression to walk along beside you with her hand on your back like she’s guiding you as you schlep from place to place.

That way people who don’t understand your never-can-be-duplicated specialness, will just have to assume you’ve recently gone blind and haven’t figured out a workable system, as yet, for getting dressed in the dark. Either way it’s a slightly creepy seventies win/win!

The Slightly Creepy Seventies Heartbreak of Crochet Addiction

crochet addict

In a decade where everybody started their day out by brushing their teeth with cocaine,  gargling with LSD and using a Mescaline moisturizer, what most people don’t realize is that it was actually crochet addiction that was responsible for ruining more 1970’s wardrobes than cocaine, LSD and Mescaline combined!

For Jessica, it all began with a simple crocheted chain stitch a couple of times a week.  To unwind from a hard day of wandering around town in her corduroy bathrobe.  No harm done really. Until she started lying to granny about all the “missing” yarn.  Before you know it, she was parading up and down the streets in  purple leotards and blue anklets wearing her crochet addiction on her sleeve like a an ugly crocheted vest and hot pants — begging strangers for money and lying that she was only going to use it to buy some Mescaline Moisturizer when in reality she was going to use it to buy a basket full of kittens and yarn —then shoo away the kittens. It didn’t end well for Jessica. Today she lives in a van down by the river she crocheted herself. (Both the van and the river.)

 It’s An Applique, Okay?

Seventies teen

Sure, this slightly creepy seventies teen looks 45 but that’s only by today’s standards.  Back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies she didn’t look a day over 13!  Why? Because she’s wearing a shirt with an arrow appliqued on it that’s why!  An arrow that proclaimed to the world, “Yes!  I have an arrow on my shirt, so?  You got a problem with that?  Get over it Mom!  Get over it Dad! Get over it establishment!” Right after this she went down and signed up for a fake senior discount card!  In your face boss man.   You go teenage girl who looks 45!

Uh Oh . . . Crochet Addiction Rears it’s Ugly Head Again!

Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens

Uh Oh . . . It looks like this Slightly Creepy Seventies slumber party where everyone sewed themselves a nightgown has taken a turn for the worse. Obviously Jessica and Jessica are suffering mightily from crochet addiction withdrawals and are engaged in a fight to the death for the last ball of granny’s yarn.

It’s an ugly reality that was often swept under even uglier crocheted rugs all over Slightly Creepy Seventies America.  But then would we expect any less from the Slightly Creepy Sevenites?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this edition of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.   But remember, even though it is now 2015 — if someone invites you to try crocheting?  Better stay on the safe side and just say no!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Israelites Schmizraelites

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the father/son team of Saul and Jonathan fought the Philistines or possibly the Israelites . . . 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Israelites Schmizraelites

One day Saul and his son, Jonathan, had just taken a lunch break from a hard morning of busily defeating the Philistines, when Jonathan posed a question to his father.

“Father with whom are we fighting? Jonathan asked chewing thoughtfully on a fig while hitting an enemy soldier over the head with a rock.

“The Israelites I believe, my son.” Jonathan’s father said sipping on his delicious fig wine.

“Why are we fighting them?” asked Jonathan.

“The lord has commanded us to do so.”

“But Dad. . . aren’t we the Israelites?”

“No, my son.  We are the Hebrews!”

“But isn’t that the same thing?”

“Oh maybe.” Saul said shruggingly. “All men look alike to me. You gonna eat the rest of that pomegranate?”

“No you go ahead.  Say listen Dad, I’m running a little low on men.”

“You mean to fight the Jews with?” Saul asked as he lazily impaled five warriors who happened to be walking by.

“No Dad, we’re the Jews. I think the Israelites and the Hebrews and the Jews are just different names for us.  In fact, I think you just impaled five of our own guys.”

“Whoopsie!  That calls for more wine!” Saul laughed heartily.

No seriously, Dad.  You know those thousand men you gave me yesterday to fight our enemies?”

“You mean our enemies, the Hebrews?”

“Dad we’re the Hebrews, remember?”

“You don’t say?”

“Anyway, I went through all thousand of them.  Now I’m fresh out of men to fight  the Philistines.”

“The Whoistines?”

“Come on Dad!  I think you’ve had enough wine.”

“Listen son, I think I know my own wine limit.  I’ve been drinking wine since you were just a gleam in the Lord’s eye.”

“I don’t know what that even means, Dad.”

“What it means is . . . wait a minute!  Lookee over there where I’m pointing!

“You mean to that fig tree?”

“I’m not pointing to that fig tree. I’m pointing to what’s beside that fig tree!”

“Oh.  Well what is it do you think?”

Well, it  looks like precisely  30,000  war chariots, six-thousand horseman and as many soldiers as there are grains on the sea shore.”

“Wow that’s mind boggling!”

“Now take it easy,son. I’m pretty sure we can take them.”

“No  I mean I it’s mind boggling how fast you can count when you’re drunk!”

“Well I must say. I have always prided myself on my ability to count fast when I’ve tied one on. It’s a gift, really. What can I say?  Now come on Son, lunch is over. Time to get back to stabbing, slinging and lobbing off the heads of our enemies, the Israelites.

“You mean Philistines.”

“Whatever.  I love you, Son.”

“I love you too Dad!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week at this same time for another Bible Story as interpreted by Gregory.

Israelites and the Philistines on the battlefield

 

 

 

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

 

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

 

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

 

Or begin at the right  and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chairimg144

 

 

You took from that idiot right over there →

 

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

 

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

 

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . . 

 

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

Which you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

 

Who foretold of everything here you just read

And for which your beloved grandmother’s dead  

img145

 

 

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Wabble in Love

Miss Darlene Wabble brushed her long blonde hair, gazed at her reflection in the mirror and lamented the day her boyfriend, Mickey, had run off with Starina Strapazoid, the star of the Interstellar Circus Circuit and abandoned Darlene on planet Poiple to rot.

 

"Gosh I don't know why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I'm clearly the one who is double jointed."

“Gosh I don’t understand why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I’m clearly the one who is double jointed.”

Sure planet Poiple was a pretty nice place to rot as far as rotting goes — and Mickey had left Darlene everything she needed for her impending decomposition, a lifetime supply of Marie Callender Chicken Pot Pies, pirated HBO and a nice big fenced back yard to keep the pesky and dangerous Poiple Platacorns at bay, but you really couldn’t call Miss Darlene Wabble happy.  Cheerful, possibly, but let’s not split hairs so early in the story.

The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiplian Platacorn

The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiple Platacorn

One day, while Darlene was practicing her marksmanship on the Platacorns through her living room window with her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun (a Christmas gift from Mickey), there was a knock at the door, and guess who it was? Did you guess Mickey?  Good guess!

 

Darlene's high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don't worry, guns don't kill people, potatoes do.

Darlene’s high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don’t worry, guns don’t kill people; potatoes do.

Only not Mickey, her boyfriend, but Mickey the guy who lived next door whose name was also Mickey only he spelled it Mikki which was kind of sad even for someone from planet Poiple.

Mikki had come to borrow a potato because he had his heart set on having a potato for supper even though he was completely out of potatoes but had every other kind of tuber in his pantry.  But oh no! Mikki just had to have a potato for supper which should give you some idea of what it was like living with the people on planet Poiple or the Poiplians as they referred to themselves whenever they could find a way to fit it into the conversation (which was way more important to them than it should have been).

"Hi I'm Mikki.  Did I mention I'm a Poiplian?  I did.  Okay.  Just checking."

“Hi I’m Mikki. Did I mention I’m a Poiplian? I did? Okay. Just checking.”

As soon as Mikki blurted out his request to borrow a potato, Darlene immediately handed over her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun to Mikki.   After that Mikki invited Darlene over for supper, and they fell madly in love while Mikki was shooting out one hell of a potato salad!

One Hell of a Potato Salad

One Hell of a Potato Salad

And thus they lived happily until they died and eventually rotted but let’s don’t talk about that now.

The End.

Now go to sleep.

Oh and P.S. Try not to have nightmares about the Nine-legged, hump-backed Poiple Platacorn as they don’t even exist . . . as far as we know . . .

Oh Valentine! You had me at Dear Occupant:

Valentine's Day

Dear Readers!  I rushed breathlessly to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had a new suitor and just in time for Valentine’s Day!

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass . . . but still . . . 

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.

Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!

And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good proposal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is taking me in with this one.

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?

It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! 

Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

It seems now all I have left to say to Xfinity is

 “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant” 

I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a heck of a happy Valentine’s day this year!

If you need me I’ll be on hold with my new beloved XOXOXfinity!”

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But We Keep the Goats?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?

One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.

But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.

So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello.  Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:

Samuel:  Are you there God it’s me Sam

The Lord:  Sup Sam?

Samuel:  Oh no thanks.  I just ate.

The Lord:  No.  Sup is a cool expression I just made up.  It’s short for “what is up?”

Samuel:  Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.

The Lord:  Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!

Samuel:  What?

The Lord:  Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo.  Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people,  but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?

Samuel:   Uh . . . no habla Espanol?

So Samuel told the people everything God had said:

People:  We want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.

People:  Who cares!  We still want a king!

Samuel:  Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!

People:  Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.

People:  But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?

Samuel:  That I don’t know.  But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.

People:  And we  keep the goats?

Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king,  God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!

People:  But the goats are ours to keep?

Samuel:  Yes I suppose.   But do you want to live as free men while creating  a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats?  God wants to know which it’s going to be.

People: What’s the latest we can let him know?

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.  

Until next time . . . I love you

"You can put your hand down, I'm only taking non-goat related questions."

“You can put your hand down, I’m only taking non-goat related questions.”

 

Confessions of a New Age Failure

 meditation

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

 

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

Buddah out to lunch_s

 My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

 

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

 

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

psychic

So to  you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

 Thrid eye

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Jesus and the Foot Washing Incident

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about Jesus and forgiveness. 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us all about it.

gregoryJesus and the Foot Washing  Incident

One day Jesus was invited to have dinner at the house of Simon, the Pharisee. The Pharisees were a group of middle-class biblical businessmen who hung around the Chamber of Commerce every waking minute to make sure everyone followed all the rules correctly.

Jesus and Simon were just sitting down to dinner when a woman who leads a sinful life knocked at the door:

Simon:  Who is it?

Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life:  It’s me.  The woman who leads a sinful life.

Simon:  Can you narrow it down a little?

WWLASL:  I’m the woman who leads a sinful life and carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever I go?

Simon:  Hm. . . wait a minute . . . you’re not the woman who leads a sinful life who carries around an alabaster jar of perfume wherever she goes and has hundreds cats are you?

WWLASL:  No that’s my sister.  She’s always borrowing my alabaster jar of perfume without asking.  If you’ve ever noticed, it’s got scratches all over it.  Anyway, I heard Jesus was eating dinner with you, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I came in and stood behind him and cried.

Simon:  Is that okay with you Jesus?

Jesus:  Sure.

Simon the Pharisee opened the door and let the Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life inside and she went over to Jesus and stood behind him — by his feet, crying, and wetting his feet with her tears. (Some biblical scholars believe Jesus’s Feet were double-jointed causing them to be in the correct position for getting wet if they were being watered by the tears of a woman who was standing behind him. Still other biblical scholars believe, however, that they work too hard and went home early.)

Simon:  Excuse me?  Hey you!  Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life!  Your tears are getting Jesus’s Feet wet.

WWLASL:  Oh I’m so sorry!  Gosh this is embarrassing.  Do you have a towel–well never mind I’ll just use my beautiful, long  hair.

The Woman Who Leads a Sinful Life then kissed Jesus’s Feet, and poured all the perfume from her alabaster jar onto the Jesus’s Feet.  Simon was thinking that if Jesus really was a prophet, he would know she was the Woman Who Leads A Sinful Life.  But if Jesus knew that, he wasn’t letting on.  Instead Jesus completely changed the subject:

Jesus:  There were two men who owed money to a moneylender.  One owed him five hundred silver coins and the other one fifty.

Simon:  Oy!  This isn’t going to be another arithmetic story problem is it?

Jesus:  No don’t worry.  It’s a parable.  Anyway, the moneylender canceled the debts. Which man would love him more?

Simon:  Uh . . . the one who was forgiven more?

WWLASL:  Is that your final answer?

Simon:  You stay out of this.

Jesus: Do you see this woman?  I came into your home and you gave me no water for my feet, but she has washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You did not welcome me with a kiss but she has not stopped kissing my feet since I came. You provided no olive oil for my head but she has covered my feet with perfume.

Simon:  Am I correct in assuming, then, that my killer recipe for Simon The Pharisees  Tuna Noodle Casserole Delight didn’t make up for all that?

But if Jesus heard Simon’s question, there is no record of it in the bible.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

"What's this?" "What's what?" "I don't know, it  looks like tuna casserole."

“What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
“I don’t know, it looks kinda like tuna noodle casserole.”

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God gave the Philistines tumors when they stole the Lord’s Covenant box.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Philistines Get Tumors

One day a group of untrustworthy Philistines (the Philistines were a group of smarmy biblical peoples all named Phil) were going to some yard sales over in the town of Ebenezer when they came across the Lord’s covenant box.

One of the more gregarious Philistines kept the lady who was running the yard sale distracted by pretending to be interested in a souvenir rock from the Promised Land while two other Philistines ran off with the Lord’s covenant box.

Phil:  Oy!  This covenant box is heavy.  Let’s drop it off at the nearest temple.

Phil:  But the nearest temple’s a block away.

Phil:  No there’s one right behind you. See that sign?

Phil:  You mean the one that says Dagon’s Temple ‘n Dry Cleaners?

Phil:  Yeah.

Phil:  But who’s Dagon?

Phil:  Who’s Dagon? The God of Clean Clothes! Don’t you ever go to false idol sabbath school?

Phil:  Not if I can help it.

Phil and Phil set the Lord’s Covenant box next to the statue of Dagon which immediately toppled over causing both its arms and its head to break off.  

"Doggonit! You broke Dagon!

“We might be able to glue it.”

Phil:  Whoops.

Phil:  Now what do we do?

Phil:  I don’t know . . . say, do you feel lumpy?

Phil:  Come to think of it, yes. Uh oh.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Phil: You mean that we both got hives from those figs we ate for lunch?

Phil:  No, that the God of Israel is punishing us for stealing His Covenant Box and putting it next to the statue of Dagon by giving us tumors all over our bodies.

Phil:  Then no, I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking.

Phil: Say, we better get a message to all five kings of the Philistines, King Phil, King Phil, King Phil and King Phil.

Phil:  What about King Phil?

Phil:  Oh yeah, him too.  I don’t know why I always forget him!

After that, all five King Phils got together and did some official hub-bubbing on how to rid themselves of The Covenant Box and their tumors. They decided to try dumping the box off at the city of Gath.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Gath?

King Phil:  Not so good. Everybody in Gath has bumps.

King Phil:  Maybe everybody in Gath needs a bath?

King Phil:  Always the comedian, aren’t you, Phil.

Then the five King Phils decided to try leaving the Lord’s Covenant box in Ekron.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Ekron?

King Phil:  Everybody’s got bumps.

King Phil:  Just bumps?  No lumps?

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps.

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps?  Hearing that makes me down in the dumps!

King Phil:  Phil.  Stop.  I begging you.

Seven months later the priests and magicians were brought in to see if they could come up with a way to rid the Philistines of their tumors by getting rid of the Lord’s covenant box –which was turning out to be way more trouble than it was worth.

King Phil:  Good news!  The priests and magicians say we can rid ourselves of our tumors if we put the Covenant Box on a wagon with another box next to it that contains five golden tumors and five golden mice and hitch it to a wagon pulled by two cows that will pull it to the town of Beth Shemesh while they moo all the way there.

King Phil:   Why didn’t we think of that?

King Phil:  Too obvious?

No wait, Bessy.  Let's get our moo's in sync.  First I'll moo and then you moo." "My name's Bossy, not Bessy."

“Now wait, Bessy. Let’s get our moo’s in sync. First I’ll moo and then you moo.”
“My name’s Bossy, not Bessy.”

When the Covenant box got to Beth Shemesh, the people rejoiced by  chopping up the wagon and the cows and by burning them as a sacrifice to the Lord and a good time was had by all — except for the seventy guys who the Lord killed for looking in the box — but it was still pretty fun anyway.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to see what Gregory learns about next time.

Until next time . . . I love you

"Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?" "I'm going with dry skin."

“Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?”
“I’m going with dry skin.”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God whittled down Gideon’s army from 22,000 to 300.

Let’s listen in as Gregory fills us in on what must have happened.

gregory God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

When last we left our hero, Gideon, he and the Lord had been sorting through 22,000 potential warrior applicants to decide who would go to war against the Midianites.  The weeding-out process was accomplished by having the applicants answer the following questionnaire:

Circle the best answer to the following questions:

Gideon and five men of his men were fighting ten Midianites.  Two of his men beheaded six Midianites and three of his men stabbed four Midianites seven times. How many heads of dead Midianites did Gideon’s wife have to find room for on their trophy shelf. Round up to the nearest Midianite.

A) 12

B) 117

C) 1,283, 747

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

On any given day, I have been known to worship:

A) God

B) Baal

C) Golden idols

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

My favorite offering to burn on the altar is:

A) First born lamb

B) a quart of olive oil

C) S’mores

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

If nobody’s looking, I drink out of the river like a:

A) dog

B) kitty

C) giraffe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

I like to use the following musical instrument to kill people in battle:

A) a trumpet

B) a flute

C) an oboe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to battle with Gideon to defeat the Midianites I plan to carry:

A) An empty jar with a torch inside and a trumpet

B) One small goat and a bugle

C) A big stick

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

The nation of Israel is located on:

A) The northern most tip of the Red Sea

B) Mount Ararat

C) The coastal plains of Galilee

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to heaven, I hope to be taking with me:

A) An honorable soul that has followed God’s word

B) A mind that is worthy of the heaven

C) Noble intentions and a pure heart

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideo and his trumpeters