Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-Up Children #8,427

Zingy Zanderlini’s Meteoric Downfall

Mrs. Zingy Zanderlini worshiped Harry Houdini. But then the tables of Zingy’s  heart were always reserved for any man who wore a cape, carried a magic wand and could wiggle out of a straight jacket while handcuffed underwater in a minute and a half.

Zingy’s husband, Fred, a musician, wasn’t happy with his wife’s fondness for magicians.  “I’m sorry I can only play pianos, Zingy, and not make them disappear like Houdini does,” Fred complained, “Maybe you’d like me better if I played the piano dangling upside down by one foot?”

“Yes actually I would!”  Zingy replied.

“You didn’t have to answer that Zingy.  It was just a rhetorical question.”

“I’m so sick of your rhetorical questions, Fred, I could  run over you with a steamroller, fold you into thirds, stick you in an No. 9 envelope and mail you to Hell.”

“When you say stuff like that, Zingy,  I sort of  feel like  you don’t love me that much.”  Suddenly Fred grabbed Zingy by the shoulders and shook her hard.  “If you hate me so much why did you marry me, Zingy?  Why? Answer me!”

“Alright Fred!  I will answer you. I married you because when you told me you were a musician, I thought you said you were a magician.  Okay?  That’s the only reason I married you.  It was a mistake.  A big, horrible, ugly mistake that you can never make disappear, Fred, never!  Because you can’t make anything disappear.”

Fred couldn’t look at Zingy anymore.  He stared out the window and into the clouds where a firey ball had just emerged, heading right for their house.

* * *

“Yes  that’s right, officer,” Fred said shifting his position in the rubble. “The meteorite came right though the window, landed on my wife, and she simply  disappeared, ” Fred explained with not as much irony in his voice as one might imagine.

"What is it, Fred? My hair? My overly large chin, my weird arm? What?"
“What is it, Fred? My hair? My overly-large chin, my weird arm? What?”

Until next time . . . I love you


Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Strokes, Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!



Until next time . . . I love you


Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-Up Children

Just Keep On Driving 

Highway 395 slices the state of California right down the middle like a dull knife wielded by a farsighted California State Assemblyman on a two-week Tequila bender.  It is on the right-hand half that our story takes place.

Here Jake Spitzwater presided over the Spitzwater Hamster Ranch – where 15,000 hamsters roamed free across a 12-acre expanse of prime California Hamster Country.  And here is where Jake Spitzwater reigned supreme over his hamster empire, signing autographs for tourists who would stop by occasionally just to get Jake’s autograph and to also borrow a gallon of gas having run out about a mile up the road.

Jake Spitzwater had an uncanny gift.  He could look any hamster squarely in the eyes and charm it immediately into submission so that it never bit anyone again.  Using this god-given talent, Jake made millions.

Its just a pity that Candy had to come along and ruin everything.

Jake first set eyes on Candy shortly after she ran out of gas about a mile up the road.  She sauntered down Jake’s driveway dressed in her little white tank top, skimpy cutoffs and pink hamsterboy boots.  By the time Candy pouted her pretty little lips to form the words, “Can I borrow a gallon of gas?” Jake was in love.

Candy became Candy Spitzwater two weeks later.  They settled easily into an idyllic hamstermen’s life, sitting on the porch watching their hamsters kick up teeny, tiny clouds of dust on a lazy afternoon.

Then one day Candy forgot and left the gate open and she and Jake watched helplessly as 15,000 head of hamster ran away — taking their idyllic life with them.

Jake was so mad he shot Candy right between the eyes while Candy simultaneously fatally wounded Jake by stabbing him 37 times in the abdomen.

If you’re ever on the right-hand side of highway 395 and see a commotion, pay no attention.  It’s probably just the ghosts of Jake and Candy Spitzwater or, failing that, 15,000 bewildered head of hamster — either way just keep on driving.

Hamsters on highway 395

Until next time . . . I love you

Scientists Who Think Too Much

Hello Dear Readers!  Today, let us peer into the levers and pulleys that comprise the thinking apparatuses of our beloved scientists and researchers!  Come join me, won’t you?

A picture of where Seti might point its telescope
Let’s see . . . eenie meenie miney etc etc. 

Seti Focuses Efforts on Listening to Known Exo-Planets

Seti, a group of researchers who live more by the story Horton Hears a Who than any other branch of the scientific community, have recently decided to point their telescopes at 86 stars that are known to have planets.

Up until now, the researchers at Seti, all with PhD’s in Listening Closely,  were taking turns playing “spin the telescope” to decide which direction they should listen in.  Unfortunately, aside from one shotgun wedding, this method yielded no results.

“The big challenge with these kinds of observations is to rule out the false positives generated on Earth,” Jill Tarter, Seti VIP was quoted as saying after getting her hopes up last winter over what she thought was an intelligent signal from out there, but was later turned out to be a Portuguese broadcast of I Dream of Jeannie.


Casino or bust!
Casino or bust!

Keeping Dead Languages Alive Is Easy, It’s Finding People to Talk to That’s the Rub.

Researchers, whose jobs it is to sit around and pin dates on things that will  happen in the future, have recently decided that by the year 2100, the mankind will have lost half the languages that are now spoken.

Luckily, in California, Eureka High School has launched a program to keep alive the Native-American language, Yurok, which was down to only six native speakers in 1990, and today, thanks to the schools efforts, there are now over 300 high school kids who speak Yurok.

“Now it’s just a matter of locating the only six people on earth who can understand them,” the Eureka High School principal was quoted as saying after loading up the rooter bus with 300 fluent Yurok speakers and heading off to the casino.


One . . . two . . . wait wait wait . . . one . . . two . . .wait wait wait . . . one . . .two . . .
One . . . two . . . wait wait wait . . . one . . . two . . . wait wait wait . . .one two . . . wait wait wait

Felix Baumgartner Fell Faster Than Originally Thought

With a name like Felix Baumgartner, Felix Baumgartner felt compelled to do something spectacular on behalf of all the other Felix Baumgartners of the world which is why last October, he ascended to a height of more than 120,000 feet in a special helium balloon before stepping off and plummeting back down to earth.

Since then, Mathematicians have been burning up their Texas Instrument calculators in an effort to figure out exactly how fast Felix Baumgartner was actually falling.

As a result, the original figure of 843.6 miles an hour has been upgraded to ten miles an hour faster  — causing the clouds through which Felix Baumgartner was falling to be remembered even blurrier in his mind’s eye than he was previously remembering them to be.

Researchers say the lessons learned from the jump will inform the development of new ideas for emergency evacuation from things like spacecraft, experimental aircraft and hot air balloons traveling somewhere over the rainbow.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, today’s foray into the minds of our scientific community!

Until next time . . . I love you

Breaking News in Archaeology!

Welcome Dear Readers.  I thought it would be fun  to catch up on some breaking news in the world of Archaeology.  (I’ve taken the liberty of making up all of the facts and figures to make things a tad more interesting for you.) 

15,000-Year-Old Fishing Village Discovered

On the count of three, a team of French Archaeologist’s unearthed a 15,000-year-old fishing village off the coast of Nip, Antarctica, suggesting that early Neolithic fishermen fishing off the coast of Nip were just as cold then as they are now.

The discovery was made by Jacques Pierre Jacques, a leading French Archaeologist who has been carefully sifting through snow looking for telltale signs of a 15,000-year-old fishing village for the last 27 years.

Last week, his dedication was finally rewarded when he came across several 15,000-year-old snowballs, and what appeared to be several fishing poles crudely fashioned out of 15,000-year-old snow.

Further excavation revealed an entire village of snow huts containing snow furniture, snow utensils and even primitive, beaded jewelry made entirely of snow.

Pictured: a 15,000-year-old fishing pole and primitive necklace made entirely of snow

The team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists will be returning to Yoplait, France with their findings where they will be performing further tests on the 15,000-year-old, snow artifacts using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging.  The entire team is working together to keep their fingers crossed to ensure the snow does not melt.

Was the Ice Man Coming or Going?

I think he was on his way home . . .

A Team of French Archaeologists have begun a 42-year study of Otzi, the ice man who was discovered under an extremely large pile of snow in the Alps in 1991, and who, prior to that, hadn’t shown up for dinner for approximately 6,000 years.

Experts believe that Otzi was from a nearby Neolithic farming village where a rock was recently discovered with 6,000-year-old carvings scrawled onto it.

A team of highly-paid, French Neolithic Scrawl Experts were called  to the scene by French Archaeologist Pierre Jacques Pierre –and after several years of research — they were finally able to translate the scrawls as:  a quart of ibex milk, a pound of yak butter and a dozen eggs from any animal that happens to be laying them. 

Using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging, the team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists are hoping that it will take at least 42 years to determine whether the 6,000 year old ice man was just leaving for the store or was just coming home from the store.

No wait a minute . . . maybe he was just leaving . . .


Tooth Marks Thought to Be Those of Leonardo Di Vinci

A Team of French Archaeologists have been debating whether the tooth marks embedded in a 500-year-old chocolate chip cookie found underneath a cushion of an authentic Louis the XIV sofa  (currently belonging to  Jacques Pierre Jacques) are indeed those of Leonardo Di Vinci or those of Jacques Pierre Jacques’s brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre,  who was visiting last week and complained of hunger pangs.

Are these the teeth marks of Leonardo Di Vinci?
Using the very latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging the team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists are hoping to have the answer before the end of the next century.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the latest in the world of archaeology. Now go have a great day and try not to eat any cookies you find between the cushions of any couch older than ten years before asking.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School. 

Every week Gregory comes home and retells what he learned about.

This week Gregory learned about the profit Elijah and his devoted follower, Elisha.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor


Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie 


Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than today. On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two biblical prophets named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred) who were touring the holy land.

Eli was a prophet and a  traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan, following Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore:

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordon River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  But I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out and whatnot . . . .

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordon River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, Eli was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too!

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  For moi!  Really?  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!” And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, when Eli left, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then Fred spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordon River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him if he wanted them to.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next Sunday to find out what happens  to Fred and his cloak.

Until next time . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

Linda’s Fashion Recommendations

Hello Dear Readers!  It hit me like a ton of bricks that this blog has never taken it upon itself to discuss fashion.  I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell you!  So without any further delay, here are some outfits that this blog highly recommends:

 The I Wanna Hold Your Hand If I Can Find It Sweater

awkwardly posing in a sweater
“Who can’t put their arms around a four-arm sweater?”

Say goodbye to those inferior two-arm sweaters once and for all, Dear Readers!  Having to put your arms in the same old arm holes day after day is for suckers.  This sweater will revolutionize your world especially if you happen to be a  Type A personality!  Now you can vacuum with one hand, and drink a glass of milk with the other — all while your sweater is hugging people goodbye!

The outfit that makes you want to dance!

A woman in a striped black and white sweater
Now you can look just as good leaving as you did coming!

Are you tired of only looking like a million bucks from the front, but then when you turn around to leave, you look like a buck fifty?  Looking bad from the back is for suckers!  Here’s an ensemble that will revolutionize how you look at 360 degrees 24/7/365.  You’ll be so happy you’ll want to dance everywhere you go!

It’s Not Just an Outfit; It’s a Pot Holder!

Girl wearing a shirt and shorts out of potholders
Sexy Pot Holder Girl

Are you tired of always misplacing your pot holders and not being able to find them so you use your bare hands instead to remove that roast from the oven and end up in the burn unit at your local hospital?  Being in the burn unit is for suckers! Here’s an outfit that will revolutionize oven safety.  All you need now is a strong set of abs so that everything in the oven can be removed with your stomach all while, at the same time, making  you look quite fetching!

Twin Outfits for Twins Who Don’t Want to Look Alike Because They Aren’t Twins

women posing in sweaters and hats
Unidentical Twin Outfits

Are you tired of being mistook for your twin when you don’t even have a twin?  Getting mistook for your twin is for suckers!  These outfits will revolutionize individualism.  Whether your style is to sneak into the park wearing a sailor hat in the dead of night to pick every single daffodils just cuz — or whether your style is more along the lines of a wanna-be 1903 motorist adventurer with a bad attitude, these outfits scream I AM NOT A TWIN!  And if that doesn’t make the people in your life want to re-think their relationship with you, nothing will!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this blog’s fashion recommendations.  Please accept my apology for having waited so long to get around to it!

Until next time . . . I love you