Shamelessly Plugging Jackie

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today I am shamelessly plugging my daughter, Jackie. She has a really cute blog over at http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com.  I’d be very gratified if you’d go over and check it out!

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Shamelessly Plugging Jackie
http://cupofjackie.blogspot.com

Until next time . . .I love you

 

Moses and the Lord Get into a Tiff

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the Lord made some Promised Land disclosures.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses and The Lord Get Into a Tiff

One day, after Moses and his desert-wandering friends had been shuffling through the sands for 40 years, they suddenly found themselves at their final destination, the hill country of the Amorites and the greater Amorite area.

The Lord:  Welp, here you go Moses.  The land I promised to give to your ancestors and to their descendants.  Now go! Occupy! Enjoy!

Moses:  Excellent!  I’ll get everybody packed up and– wait a minute . . . did you say occupy?

The Lord:  Yeah why?

Moses:  But I was under the impression you promised The Promised Land to us because it was already vacant.

The Lord:  What do you mean vacant?

Moses:  Well I just assumed there wouldn’t already be thousands of people living in the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh I see what you’re saying.  No.  You’re going to have to kill everybody or conquer them and make them slaves and whatnot, unless you want to see if they’d be willing to have roommates.

Moses:  But don’t you see, it doesn’t really belong to us then.  I mean you promised us land that was already being used by other people.

The Lord:  Moses don’t bust my chops. I promised it!  It’s yours. Badda Bing Badda Boom! Now let me get back to my blocks.  Oh and  careful when you shut the door to my pillar of fire by night and pillar of cloud by day, huh?  You’ll knock over the really really tall block tower I just made.

Moses:  You’re playing with blocks?

The Lord:  Uh nooooo . . . it’s called creating?

Later a few feet outside the Promised Land:

Moses:  Okay, I just sent 12 of you guys to scope out The Promised Land, so what did you find?

Guy#01:  It’s got fabulous fruit!

Guy #02:  It’s fertile, but it’s filled with people who are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Guy#03:  And that’s not even taking into account the giants.

 Moses:  What?  Did you say . . . gulp . . . giants?

Guy#04:  Yes giants as in people who are mammoth? jumbo? colossal? humongous? elephantine? walloping? ginorm-

Moses:  Okay okay.  I know what a giant is.

Guy#04:  Well you just let me keep going on so I didn’t know.

Moses:  Okay listen up everybody. I’m going to go report to the Lord that everyone’s scared to go into the Promised Land.

Guy#05:  Uh . . . Couldn’t you just say we’re reluctant?

Guy#01:  Be sure to tell Him about the fruit!

Later at the Lord’s Pillar:

Moses:  Yoohoo! Knock knock knockin’ at heavens door . . . Are you there Lord?  It’s me, Moses.

The Lord: Yeah Moses come on in.  Hey lookee how high I got My block tower now!

Moses:  Hallelujah!  Praise You! Say listen, Lord, I just talked to the 12 guys I sent to scope out the promised land and—

The Lord:  Yeah I know. I overheard the whole conversation and I’m angry.

Moses:  How angry?

The Lord:  Well not angry enough to take My Almighty Hand and send My block tower crashing to the floor, but angry enough to forbid this evil generation from ever setting foot in the Promised Land. Except for one person.  What’s that guys name who liked the fruit?

Moses:  Caleb son of Jephunneh?

The Lord:  Yeah him.  He can go but no one else.

Moses:  Okay I’ll go tell them they can’t enter the Promised Land.

The Lord:  Oh and Moses?

Moses:  Yes?

The Lord: That includes you.

Moses:  What?  Me?  But that’s not fair.  After schlepping around the desert for 40-friggin’ years for no really good reason other than just cuz — this is the thanks I get?  I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.

The Lord:  Well, one thing’s for sure.  If you slam that door on your way out, and my block tower falls over, I’ll give you something to cry about, young man.

Moses:  I’m not young.  I’m 600-years-old.

The Lord:  Well, you don’t look it.

Moses:  Thanks.

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Caleb son of Jephunneh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children

Loretta Splatts, Human Cannon Ball

If there was one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t it was . . . well, come to think of it, there actually wasn’t one thing Loretta Splatts wasn’t — at least in her mind anyway.

You see, Loretta didn’t own a car. She preferred to travel everywhere by being shot out of a cannon. Oh sure, there was the small inconvenience of not being able to go anywhere unless she had cab fare home, but Loretta thought it was a small price to pay for having a legitimate reason to wear a cape in public.

Loretta Splatts being shot out of a cannon linda vernon humor

“Gosh I sure am saving a lot of money on gas.”

Loretta often joked that the trajectory of her life was trending upwards even though nobody ever laughed when she said it.  The sad fact was, nobody listened to a word Loretta said — they were too preoccupied waving away the intermittent puffs of smoke emanating from her slightly smoldering cape or distractedly brushing stray bits of gun powder from her platinum blonde hair to actually listen to what she had to say.

Loretta Splatts Smoldering cape

“So anyways, my life’s trending upwards LOL!”                                                         “Sorry to interrupt but  I’m distracted by your slightly smoldering cape.”

Sometimes Loretta felt like a 40-pound dill pickle that people were compelled to ignore because, let’s face it, a 40-pound dill pickle is just way too much pickle to process at any one time.

40 pound dill pickle linda vernon  humor

Too much pickle to process

Loretta’s only true confidant was her Cannon Ball Igniter, Percival Perplexington, a recent graduate of the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters founded in 1323 by King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much.

Kings linda vernon humor

King William Blunk VIII÷V who was > King William Blunk VII ÷ VI but not by much

Percival Perplexington was a jolly sort of fellow who never let the burden his igniting responsibilities eat away at his good-natured heart although he could sometimes feel those same responsibilities late at night nibbling on his spleen. But spleens are expendable!  That was Percival’s motto having stolen it from the Royal Academy of Sciences and Cannon Igniters when he pried it off their front door his first day of class.

Royal Academy of Science and Cannon Ball Igniters

Percival graduated with honors and immediately took a position with Loretta Splatts as her official Cannon Igniter.  His fellow graduates where aghast when he accepted such a lowly position with such an inferior human cannon ball the likes of Loretta, but there was just something about the way she raised her hand to signal the lighting of the fuse that Percival Perplexington was mesmerized by or perhaps memorized by.  One of those.

Loretta Splatts and Percival Perplexington

Loretta Splatts and her devoted Igniter, Percival Perplexington

Try as he might, he simply could not look away from Loretta’s pinky.  Whether she was hailing a cab or signaling that he should light the fuse, Percival Perplexington was totally and utterly and completely dedicated to Loretta Splatts.  He even donated his shoes when the people came collecting for the Annual Shoes for Fuse donation drive to aid less fortunate human cannon balls in third world countries.

Percival Perplexington's feet

He gave his shoes for the betterment of third world human cannon balls

It was a sad day for Percival Perplexington when his employer Loretta Splatts finally lived up to her name.  She was meeting a friend for lunch at the Riboflavin Rotisserie when she misjudged the location of the outdoor seating area by a skosh and came crashing down in the middle of a cow pasture that as luck would have it was being rented out to a mattress company.  She bounced off one of the mattresses and got temporarily stuck in a tree when a huge gust of wind blew her into oncoming traffic.

Loretta Splatts splat

And splat went Loretta Splatts

Percival Perplexington was positively beside himself with grief. It took him hours and hours  to eat lunch that day at the Riboflavin Rotisserie.

You see, he ordered a forty-pound dill pickle in honor of Loretta Splatts.

"Yes sir!  One forty pound pickle comin' up!"

“Yes sir! One forty-pound pickle comin’ up!

Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath

“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible

“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher

“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn

“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater

“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore

“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing

“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer

“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar

Whaaat? 

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Bent over to polish her Buster Brown shoe

Buster Brown Shoes

But the polish therein was of toxic aroma

And Edwina Purina fell into a coma

comatose edwina

No one knew what to do for they couldn’t awake her.

So the Doctor was summoned. (He suggested they shake her)

comatose edwina

But yet she lay docile and still as could be

Then someone suggested,   “Push her out of a tree!”

Linda Vernon humor art

So they hoisted her up in a  Giant Sequoia

And everyone helped — even Mike and  Latoya!

Michael and Latoya Jackson

All that was left was to give her a shove

And who better for that than the lieutenant gov?

 Lieutenant Governor

Who ran on a platform of brotherly love

And never did falter when push came to shove

41st Lieutenant Governor of Texas shoving

He shook that sequoia, he had him some muscle

(Attributed mainly to sprouts found in Brussel)

 

sprouts of brussel

“Where you from?” “Brussel”                 “Me too!”

 

Well, the tree started shaking and then the wind blew

And Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do . . .

comatose edwina

Flew through the air like a bomber (long range)

And landed on top of the Foreign Exchange

Edwina atop the foreign exchange buidling

 

She  opened her eyes and everyone cheered

But to tell you the truth? It was all very weird!

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

 

 

Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedrooms

Welcome, Dear Readers, to the Slightly Creepy Seventies. The decade in which babies who were dropped on their heads thirty years prior grew up to become Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedroom Designers.

remodeling and decorating bedrooms a sunset book

Today we will be examining the bizarre ideas of Slightly Creepy Seventies bedroom designers.

 

File me under Zzzz.

Guest bedroom Slightly Creepy Seventies Style

What this slightly creepy seventies guest bedroom lacks in charm, it makes up for invoices incurred between 1968 and 1973

Now here’s a typical slightly creepy seventies bizarre idea. Why not use the top of these filing cabinets as a guest bedroom?  An idea that was so far ahead of it’s time that even millions of years from now there still won’t be any filing cabinet guest bedrooms.

Now let’s look at that desk.   Go ahead.  Take your time. (We’ve got several million years.)  The caption on this picture explains that a desk extension (the one that you see there in the form of the world’s shortest ladder) has been designed in such a way as to allow an overnight guest to climb to the top of the ladder, and, while still facing the wall, launch him or herself into the air, whale-like,  with a mighty backward thrust.

If the guest gets lucky, he or she will land squarely on the comfy two-inch mattress that has been lovingly provided by their slightly creepy seventies host.

I know.  I can hear your next question from a million years away: “But what if guests miss the mattress completely?”  Ha ha! No harm done. The good news is the open drawer on the filing cabinet will more than likely break his or her fall. But if that happens the bad news is kidney transplants haven’t been invented yet.

 

Good Lord!  It’s a bed!  Look away!!

hideous 70's beds

Back in the slightly creepy seventies nothing was more hideous, more odious, more hippopotamus than looking at a cumbersome big ol’ bed sticking out in the harsh light of day smack dab in the middle of the bedroom floor for all the world to see.

Not counting the hair, clothing and pop culture of the Slightly Creepy Seventies, nothing could compare to the heartache of having to stare at a bed just sitting there stupidly and awkwardly all the livelong day.  It was a bedroom design faux pas that would have made Mary Tyler Moore herself weep bitterly.

Luckily, bizarre Slightly Creepy Seventies bedroom designers solved this unsightly “bed” problem by making a bed that folded up into the wall at a moment’s notice!

 “Hurry Mary Tyler Moore! Push! PUSH!  We know you’re fashionably underweight by 20 to 30 pounds, but for heaven sakes, put some elbow grease into it, girl!”

That’s better Mary. Now quickly, pull out granny’s rocker and make like you’re just reading a magazine. That’s right!  Just reading and rocking that’s all.  Bed? What bed?  Don’t know nothin’ ’bout no bed!

 

Don’t ask don’t tell!

slightly creepy seventies librarian

Say what?  A secret TV?  Oh those Slightly Creepy Seventies Designers that were dropped on their heads when they were babies think of everything and then some!

What in the world is slightly creepy seventies Caroline up to?  Did she rob the petty cash from the library where she works again and is hiding it in the safe she has cleverly hidden behind that picture?

Well don’t let those horn-rimmed glasses of hers fool you.  Why?  Because hidden behind that picture is no safe!  It just so happens it’s a friggin’ state-of-the-art  12-inch Motorola color TV! Yes you heard me right with that little voice in your head that does all your reading!

And it seems our dear Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Caroline is a conservative librarian by day and a raging, out-of-control Mary Tyler Moore watching fool by night!  Her secret longing?  Why to turn the world on with her smile, of course.  But she tells everyone she never watches TV . . . so keep it to yourself, huh?

The Circle of Life

Slightly Creepy Seventies mother and child

Slightly Creepy Seventies Bedroom Designer of the Future

Clearly this Slightly Creepy Seventies mom is enjoying her Slightly Creepy Seventies baby like nobody’s business.  The bad news is she accidentally dropped this little guy on his head seconds after this picture was taken.  The good news is he will grow up to carry on the tradition of Slight Creepy Seventies bedroom design well into the 21st Century and maybe even beyond, but probably not.

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Now you can go about the rest of your day being thankful for the fact that  you weren’t dropped on your head when you were a baby or, if you were, at least being thankful we’re no longer living in the Slightly Creepy Seventies.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Prophet Habakkuk

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the prophet Habakkuk asked the Lord some tough questions.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Prophet Habakkuk’s Chat with the Lord

One day a prophet named Habakkuk was passing though Babylon when he couldn’t help noticing how cruel and violent the Babylonians were.  And because Habakkuk was a prophet, it mean he had God’s unlisted phone number so he decided to call up the Lord and vent.

Habakkuk:  Hello Lord, you got a minute?

The Lord:  I’m in the middle of  eating lunch. Who is this?

Habakkuk:  It’s me, Habakkuk.

The Lord:  How’d you get this number?

Habakkuk:  I’m a prophet, you give it out to all the prophets.

The Lord: Okay. What do you want?

Habakkuk:  Well, basically I was just wondering how long I must call for help before you listen, before you save us from violence.  Destruction and violence are all around me and evil men get the better of the righteous and so justice is perverted.

The Lord:  Where are you?  Sodom and Gomorrah?

Habakkuk:  No I’m calling from Babylon actually.

The Lord:  Then you must be referring to the fierce, restless Babylonians who are marching across the world spreading fear and terror?

Habakkuk:  Yeah I think so . . .

The Lord:  Just to be clear are you referring to the Babylonians whose horses are faster than leopards?

Habakkuk:  Faster than leopards?  Don’t you mean faster than cheetahs?

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said leopards.

The Lord:  Yeah that’s what I meant.  Their horses are fast but they’re not that fast. But one thing’s certain.  Their horses are like hungry wolves!

Habakkuk:  I thought horses were vegetarians.

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said they were like hungry wolves.

The Lord:   What I meant was their horses paw at the ground while they come down like eagles attacking their prey.

Habakkuk:  Uh . . .

The Lord:  What?

Habakkuk:  Horses can’t fly.

The Lord:  My bad.  I must have been thinking of unicorns.

Habakkuk:  But unicorns can’t fly either.  They’re the horses with the horn right in the middle of their foreheads?

The Lord:  Oh yeah huh.  Well, what’s the name of that horse I created with wings?

Habakkuk:   Pegasus?

The Lord:  Yeah yeah that’s it.

Habakkuk:  So are you telling me that you’ve actually created a unicorn and Pegasus then?

The Lord:  No but I’m gunna.

Habakkuk:  So anyways, getting back to the Babylonians how can you let these treacherous evil men destroy people who are more righteous than them?

The Lord:  Meh.

Habakkuk:  How can you treat people like fish or like a swarm of insects that have no ruler to direct them?

The Lord:  How can I treat people like fish or swarms of insects?  I don’t get the comparison.

Habakkuk:  What I mean is the Babylonians catch people with their hooks.  They drag them off in nets and even worship the nets and offer sacrifices to them.

The Lord:  I don’t get it.  Why do they need nets if they have hooks?  And what’s that got to do with a swarm of insects?

Habakkuk:  Are they going to keep their swords forever and keep on destroying nations without mercy?

The Lord:  You know what, Habakkuk.  We’re going to have to finish this discussion later. My tacos are getting cold.

Habakkuk:  Okay I’ll call you later.

The  Lord:  Uh well actually I’m having my number changed so I’ll have call you back.

Habakkuk: When? Today?

The Lord:  I don’t know.  Later.

Habakkuk:  Later today . . . . tomorrow maybe?  . . . .hello?

Habakkuk

Hello? Hello? Gosh I can’t hear a thing through this stupid halo!

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Moses helped the Lord set up and take down His holy tent.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Moses’s Trick Chiseling Elbow

One day while the Lord was on a camping trip relaxing in His Tent at Camp Holy Land, He decided to dictate to Moses exactly how he wanted His Sacred Stuff moved when it was time to break camp.  Moses chiseled down His instructions.

The Lord:  Moses, when it’s time to go I want Aaron, your brother, and his two sons to come inside My Tent and take down the curtain in front of the covenant box and cover the covenant box with it.

Moses:   . . . and cover box with it . . . got it.

The Lord:  And cover the covenant box with it . . . be sure to specify covenant.

Moses:  Yeah but I thought I could just shorten “covenant box” to “box” as my trick chiseling elbow is acting up again.

The Lord:  Do as I say, young man,  or I’ll give your trick chiseling elbow something to act up about, and I’m not just whistling Dixie!

Moses:   . . . not just whistling Dixie . . . got it.

The Lord:  No!  Don’t write that down you idiot!

Moses:   . . . don’t write that down you idiot . . .got it.

The Lord:  Oy!

Moses:   . . . Oy . . . got it.

The Lord:  After that, have Aaron and his sons put a blue cloth over the covenant box then put bread on top of  that and spread a red cloth over  that and then put a leather cover on top of that and insert the carrying poles. Did you get all that Moses?

Moses:  . . . hang on . . . did you get all that Moses . . . got it.

The Lord:  Hallelujah!

Moses:  Are there  three or four L’s in Hallelujah?  I’m guessing four?

Moses's trick chiseling elbow

“H. . .  A . . .  L . . . L . . . L . . .L? “

The Lord:   Then it’s just practically self explanatory from there on out. Have them put a blue cloth over the lamp stand and olive oil containers and spread a blue cloth over the gold alter and put a fine leather cover over that and then remove the greasy ashes over the alter and put a purple cloth over that and put all the fire pans, hooks, shovels and basins over that and then carry it all to the next location without touching any of the sacred objects or they will die, yadda yadda yadda.

Moses:   . . . yadda yadda yadda . . . got it.  Wait a minute Lord!  Did you just say they will die if they touch any of the sacred objects?

The Lord:  Correctomundo.

Moses:  Did I mention my brother, Aaron has a bad back?

The Lord:  Not to worry, I’m hiring the Starving Kohath Clan Movers to do all the heavy lifting but it is your responsibility, Moses, to make sure that they aren’t killed by coming near the most sacred objects. In fact, if they even see the priests preparing the sacred objects for moving they will die.

Moses:  . . . they will die . . . got it.  Can I go now?  I need to ice my trick chiseling elbow.

The Lord:  Yeah you can go in just a minute, but first do me a solid and take a census of Levite Clan, register all the men between the ages of thirty and fifty who were qualified to work in the Tent of the Lord’s presence and then after you do that,  you’ll need to chisel down who I want to carry what.

Moses: Can I at least have a break to eat my goat sandwich I brought from home?

The Lord:  Man does not live by bread alone.

Moses:  Yeah I know, Lord, hence the goat!

The Lord:  Don’t get smarty with me, young man!  Tell you what.  First, chisel down my instructions for disassembling My Tent. It’s pretty simple, it will only take about 14 hours to explain and then you can have a bathroom break.

14 hours later:

The Lord:  Okay Moses I think I’ve covered which part of my tent all 8,580 Levites will each be carrying from here to the next camping site.  Any questions?

Moses:  Yes. Can I ice my trick chiseling elbow now?  It hurts dreadfully.

The Lord:  Oh wait.  Speaking of dreadful,  I almost forgot. Before you go, Moses, I need you to expel everybody from Camp Holy Land who has a dreaded skin disease or a bodily discharge and also everyone who is unclean by contact with a corpse and then you can go home early.

Moses:    . . . contact with a corpse . . . got it.  And then can I ice my trick chiseling elbow?

The Lord:  Sure except . . .

Moses:  Except what?

The Lord:  I haven’t had a chance to create ice yet.  Sorry.

Moses:  Why I oughtta . . .

The Lord:  What was that, Moses?

Moses:  Nothing.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to find out what wonderful things Gregory will learn in Sunday School next week.

Until next time . . . I love you

Covenant Box table cloth

God's Big Feet

 

The Dark and Stormy April 15th Deadline

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

–Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

It’s April 15th, so go ahead and round-up all those remaining brain cells that have yet to be killed off and put them away in a safe place because you’re going to need only the dead ones for this next task.

That’s because April 15th is the deadline for the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest, a competition sponsored by San Jose State, where contestants vie for the dishonor of writing the worst beginning sentence to an imaginary novel inspired the purple prose of Edward George Bulwer-Lytton.

Now since it was still a couple of days before the first day of the rest of my life, I decided to enter the Bulwer Lytton Fiction contest and guess what? Turns out I’m a horrible writer! So horrible, in fact, that out of 10,000 entries, my very bad sentence won the grand prize for the very crummiest of  them all!

My triumphant mess went as follows:

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically, but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank and due to and overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless and an appendix and as lonely as a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid free fitness center.

Now because I aspired to be a tad bit better than bad, I decided to sit down to my keyboard and make the following attempts to write at least one sentence that could possibly be considered “pretty good.”

Amanda’s obsession for making homemade bread for the entire neighborhood was beginning to take over her life, and as she sat at the kitchen table with her flour-covered face in her flour-covered hands, the warm sun shone steadily through the kitchen window and Amanda began to slowly rise up out of her chair — suddenly realizing that she needed to be kneaded.

and

Charlie dreamed that he was dreaming he was awake and had fallen asleep.

OK, truthfully, at this point, I was starting to get a bit nervous about being able to come up with a pretty good sentence. It seemed the harder I tried to write pretty good, the more elusive “pretty good” became. Frankly, serious doubts were beginning to pierce the ears of my soul. But still I forged onward:

Rayton, a fine Guppitoid from Repox VII couldn’t put his slimy little fingerling on why Jessica, an ichthyolgist’s dream, wouldn’t have him for her husband when he had made it abundantly clear that the only domestic duties she would have to perform would be to boost his ego and to bear him several million live young a year, which he was even willing to help her eat.

and

As soon as Mary got to her walk-up, she was held up, tied up, and told to shut up, but luckily the culprits were picked up, locked up and Mary was helped up and then she threw up.

Ah! Finally I was warmed up. But one thing was certain. If I was ever going to write that pretty good sentence, I needed to relax.

I began taking deep breaths, one after another until the last thing I remember was falling off my chair and hitting the floor like –what else — a 500-lb. barbel in a steroid-free fitness center.

Which brings me to the moral of this story:

She who enters the Bulwer Lytton can take a lick in’ and keep on tickin.

Hey now! That’s a pretty good sentence if I do say so myself. But my quest for a pretty good sentence does not end here. I’m going to keep at it until I come up with the perfect pretty good sentence. It may take awhile but, after all, I do have until the last day of the rest of my life, or April 15th — which ever comes first.

Until next time . . . I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Dear Readers.  I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for today’s true news stories gleaned from around the world.

Computer Scientist Valery Spiridonov is set to become the first man in history to undergo a head transplant.

The 30-year-old suffers from Werdnig-Hoffman disease, a genetic muscle wasting disorder that has left him confined to a wheelchair.

Dr. Sergio Canavero thinks that he can successfully perform the head transplant and has announced that he will attempt the procedure within the next two years. But medical professionals have branded Dr. Sergio Canavero’s idea as completely nuts.

First Man in History to Undergo Head Transplant Coloring Page

Head Transplant Coloring Page

 

A Robot named Kirobo kept astronauts company during its 18-month stay aboard the space station.

In 2013, a robot named Kirobo spent 18 months in space before returning to Earth in February of this year.

During its stay, the robot was involved in numerous experiments and spent hours conversing with the astronauts.  Yorichika Nishijima said, “It’s sort of a symbolic project so people can understand how people interact with robots.

Kirobo Conversing With Astronauts For 18 Months Coloring Page

Japanese Robot Converses with astronauts in space station

 

A peculiar animal so strange Charles Darwin was baffled by it was unearthed in Uruguay 180 years ago. 

With the body of a horse, the legs of a camel and the nose of an elephant, this creature roamed the earth about 10,000 years ago. The bizarre species called a Macrauchenia Patachonica was a complete mystery to scientists at the time.

Now scientists, including specialists from the University of York and the Natural History Museum in London, have been able to use a technique called protein sequencing to determine that this bizarre species was actually a close relative of the horse.

The Scientifically Exact Rendering of What Scientists Believe the Marcrauchenia Patachonica Looked Like Coloring Page

the Marauchenia Patachonica

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages for today, Dear Readers.

Until next  time. . . Happy Coloring

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Penelope’s Distraction

When Miss Penelope walked into her third-grade class, a hush, like rain, came over her students.  It might have been because Miss Penelope was tall and beautiful with naturally-curly, flaming-red hair.  Or it might have been because Miss Penelope was carrying her teacup poodle, Nippers, in her tea-cup. Then again, it might have been because Miss Penelope had three legs.

Benjamin Bananason’s hand shot up before Miss Penelope was even done writing MISS PENELOPE on the blackboard.

“Yes Benjamin.”  Miss Penelope said.

“Is there going to be homework this year?  What time’s lunch? And may I please use the bathroom?”

Miss Penelope crossed two of her legs and leaned on the other while she answered Benjamin’s last question affirmatively and pondered the other two questions.

While she was thinking, Rebecca Ribeye raised her hand.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“My aunt, Lavern, has naturally-curly, flaming-red hair just like yours, Miss Penelope.  She had to go to prison though.  What’s your doggie’s name?”

“Nippers” Miss Penelope answered, and then raised the tea-cup containing Nippers to her lips as though she would take a sip — but gave Nippers a kiss instead.

The children laughed until it was time for recess.

That’s when Principal Connie Vickers marched in.

“Well?  How did they respond?” Connie Vickers demanded.  “I would imagine the children were not able to talk about anything else all morning but your—“

“My teacup poodle, Nippers?”

“No, not Nippers!  Your . . . your . . . .” Connie squirmed and tried not to look at any of Miss Penelope’s legs.

“Oh you mean my distraction.” Miss Penelope said helpfully.  “My naturally-curly, flaming-red hair. “

“No!  Not that distraction!  I’m talking about your extra leg Miss Penelope.  I’m talking about the fact that you have THREE legs, Miss Penelope!”

In the silence that followed, Principal Connie Vickers reached her finger over to pet Nippers whose razor- sharp, tiny teeth went into the fleshy part of Connie Vickers finger like a knife through warm butter.

horrrible art Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Sewing for Teens

Welcome Dear Readers to the world of the Slightly Creepy Seventies where we  trip down memory lane by revisiting the pages of old magazines from the inexplicable decade of the 70’s.  

Today we will be flipping through the pages of “let yourself sew – a complete sewing book for teens” 

Let yourself Sew with Simplicity

Published during the great capitalized letter shortage of 1975.

 

Let’s open to the first page. Oh look!  It’s some actual Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens!

Seventies teens

As you can see, all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies look like they are between the ages of 35 and 40.  There are three theories for this:  1) The ugliness of the seventies was more aging to the skin than the rays of  the Slightly Creepy Seventies Sun  2) wearing stupid outfits you sewed yourself altered the chemical structure of  your DNA (not in a good way) or 3) all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies actually were between the ages of 35 and 40.

*Note the little boy in the striped, home-sewn whatevers is keeping a low profile.  It seems one of the teenagers between 35 and 40 has started a family unbeknownst to mom.  Sh . . .I won’t tell if you won’t.

Of course the Master Plan of sewing for your teenage self in the Slightly Creepy was to: “Create Your Never-Can-Be-Duplicated Specialness!” 

70's bathrobe coat img150

Well okay then!  And what better way to do that than to sew yourself a bathrobe and wear it out in public.  Oh and don’t forget that really good friend with the cheerfully sympathetic expression to walk along beside you with her hand on your back like she’s guiding you as you schlep from place to place.

That way people who don’t understand your never-can-be-duplicated specialness, will just have to assume you’ve recently gone blind and haven’t figured out a workable system, as yet, for getting dressed in the dark. Either way it’s a slightly creepy seventies win/win!

The Slightly Creepy Seventies Heartbreak of Crochet Addiction

crochet addict

In a decade where everybody started their day out by brushing their teeth with cocaine,  gargling with LSD and using a Mescaline moisturizer, what most people don’t realize is that it was actually crochet addiction that was responsible for ruining more 1970’s wardrobes than cocaine, LSD and Mescaline combined!

For Jessica, it all began with a simple crocheted chain stitch a couple of times a week.  To unwind from a hard day of wandering around town in her corduroy bathrobe.  No harm done really. Until she started lying to granny about all the “missing” yarn.  Before you know it, she was parading up and down the streets in  purple leotards and blue anklets wearing her crochet addiction on her sleeve like a an ugly crocheted vest and hot pants — begging strangers for money and lying that she was only going to use it to buy some Mescaline Moisturizer when in reality she was going to use it to buy a basket full of kittens and yarn —then shoo away the kittens. It didn’t end well for Jessica. Today she lives in a van down by the river she crocheted herself. (Both the van and the river.)

 It’s An Applique, Okay?

Seventies teen

Sure, this slightly creepy seventies teen looks 45 but that’s only by today’s standards.  Back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies she didn’t look a day over 13!  Why? Because she’s wearing a shirt with an arrow appliqued on it that’s why!  An arrow that proclaimed to the world, “Yes!  I have an arrow on my shirt, so?  You got a problem with that?  Get over it Mom!  Get over it Dad! Get over it establishment!” Right after this she went down and signed up for a fake senior discount card!  In your face boss man.   You go teenage girl who looks 45!

Uh Oh . . . Crochet Addiction Rears it’s Ugly Head Again!

Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens

Uh Oh . . . It looks like this Slightly Creepy Seventies slumber party where everyone sewed themselves a nightgown has taken a turn for the worse. Obviously Jessica and Jessica are suffering mightily from crochet addiction withdrawals and are engaged in a fight to the death for the last ball of granny’s yarn.

It’s an ugly reality that was often swept under even uglier crocheted rugs all over Slightly Creepy Seventies America.  But then would we expect any less from the Slightly Creepy Sevenites?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this edition of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.   But remember, even though it is now 2015 — if someone invites you to try crocheting?  Better stay on the safe side and just say no!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Israelites Schmizraelites

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the father/son team of Saul and Jonathan fought the Philistines or possibly the Israelites . . . 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Israelites Schmizraelites

One day Saul and his son, Jonathan, had just taken a lunch break from a hard morning of busily defeating the Philistines, when Jonathan posed a question to his father.

“Father with whom are we fighting? Jonathan asked chewing thoughtfully on a fig while hitting an enemy soldier over the head with a rock.

“The Israelites I believe, my son.” Jonathan’s father said sipping on his delicious fig wine.

“Why are we fighting them?” asked Jonathan.

“The lord has commanded us to do so.”

“But Dad. . . aren’t we the Israelites?”

“No, my son.  We are the Hebrews!”

“But isn’t that the same thing?”

“Oh maybe.” Saul said shruggingly. “All men look alike to me. You gonna eat the rest of that pomegranate?”

“No you go ahead.  Say listen Dad, I’m running a little low on men.”

“You mean to fight the Jews with?” Saul asked as he lazily impaled five warriors who happened to be walking by.

“No Dad, we’re the Jews. I think the Israelites and the Hebrews and the Jews are just different names for us.  In fact, I think you just impaled five of our own guys.”

“Whoopsie!  That calls for more wine!” Saul laughed heartily.

No seriously, Dad.  You know those thousand men you gave me yesterday to fight our enemies?”

“You mean our enemies, the Hebrews?”

“Dad we’re the Hebrews, remember?”

“You don’t say?”

“Anyway, I went through all thousand of them.  Now I’m fresh out of men to fight  the Philistines.”

“The Whoistines?”

“Come on Dad!  I think you’ve had enough wine.”

“Listen son, I think I know my own wine limit.  I’ve been drinking wine since you were just a gleam in the Lord’s eye.”

“I don’t know what that even means, Dad.”

“What it means is . . . wait a minute!  Lookee over there where I’m pointing!

“You mean to that fig tree?”

“I’m not pointing to that fig tree. I’m pointing to what’s beside that fig tree!”

“Oh.  Well what is it do you think?”

Well, it  looks like precisely  30,000  war chariots, six-thousand horseman and as many soldiers as there are grains on the sea shore.”

“Wow that’s mind boggling!”

“Now take it easy,son. I’m pretty sure we can take them.”

“No  I mean I it’s mind boggling how fast you can count when you’re drunk!”

“Well I must say. I have always prided myself on my ability to count fast when I’ve tied one on. It’s a gift, really. What can I say?  Now come on Son, lunch is over. Time to get back to stabbing, slinging and lobbing off the heads of our enemies, the Israelites.

“You mean Philistines.”

“Whatever.  I love you, Son.”

“I love you too Dad!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week at this same time for another Bible Story as interpreted by Gregory.

Israelites and the Philistines on the battlefield

 

 

 

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

 

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

 

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

 

Or begin at the right  and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chairimg144

 

 

You took from that idiot right over there →

 

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

 

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

 

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . . 

 

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

Which you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

 

Who foretold of everything here you just read

And for which your beloved grandmother’s dead  

img145

 

 

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you