It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die


Dear Readers!  Exultation at the mailbox!

The American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A Life Insurance Company was kind enough to send me a Notice that I’m going to die — it’s just a matter of time . . . but until I do can I please send them some money?

Look how official the Notice is!

Junk Mail from Triple A

How can I not send Triple A money when they went to so much trouble to make this Notice — with my very own name on it!

And best of all, there’s no Medical Exam Required! 

All I have to do is answer a few simple questions to see if I qualify.  Well, Dear Reader, I think you will agree that that’s not just wonderful, that’s frigging wonderful!

And More Great News

If an insured member, such as myself, is diagnosed with a terminal illness that will cause death, such as my own, in 12 months or less?  No Worries!  They’re not even going to go back and try to figure out where I lied on medical questionnaire they sent me!  (Ha! Suckers!)

And yet, I — as the person who will be dead in 12 months or less — will still be eligible to receive a lump sum Accelerated Death Benefit amount that my spouse can use any way he wants to — like finally taking that Mexican vacation to forget he was ever married to ol’ Linda whatshername!

Man sunbathing by a swiming pool

“Waiter, hand me my sombrero and get me another margarita please? . . . and not so much salt this time . . huh? I’m in mourning.”

Isn’t that just Frigging Wonderful Dear Reader?  

. . .  uh oh . . . wait a minute . . . . hold the phone . . . I just read further down on the page and it says:

If you receive an Accelerated Death Benefit amount, we will deduct a  processing fee of $75.00

What?!?

So let me get this straight, Triple A.  You’re saying that when my poor spouse is in Mexico crying his eyes out –beside himself with grief — trying to choke down a couple of Chimichangas and a large pitcher of margaritas and sadly salsa dancing with Senoritas, you are going to have the audacity to charge him with a $75.00 processing fee?

Well that just sucks the frigging right out of the wonderful, Triple A.

You can just forget the whole thing!

Until next time . . . I love you (but that doesn’t go for you Triple A)

30 thoughts on “It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die

  1. You should see if you get some kind of bonus for every twelve months you live…

    By the way, Exultation at the Mailbox will be the name of my next ska-klezmer band.

  2. That’s it! I was planning to die in the next 12 months, but if it is going to cost me $75, I may as well forget about it and love forever.

  3. haha! At least your eligible! Now, if you can just get through the next part of the qualifying process, is that the dying part? I think you’ll end up with the accelerated death benefit!! Do it, Linda!! It’s worth a shot. Of course if you win, you’ll be dead, but you’ll be a dead winner!

    Up in the corner it says “Important Member information.” Does that mean that the information is important or does it mean that the member is important? I’m confused?

    “Not so much salt this time, huh? I’m in mourning…” hahaha!

    • I know that pesky dying part. And it has to be a terminal illness before I would qualify for Accelerated death benefit. They’re so strict. Whatever happened to Double Indemnity? They probably don’t even know who Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck are I’ll bet you anything!

      And I don’t know if Important Member Information means important member or important information. Hey I know! Why don’t you ask the camouflage wearing dead deer in the pick up guy? I bet he would have a hilarious explanation for us, Lisa! LOL!!

  4. OMG Linda….This was freakin’ hysterical…..Just curious…Does that death benefit come with a life supply of Margaritas for your spouse or significant other??? If NOT…Count me OUT…:)
    xx
    Sooz

    • LOL Sooz!! A life supply of Margaritas is a death benefit worth living for! :D I’ll break the news to Triple A about your not wanting to sign up. I don’t think they’re going to take it well though! :D

    • You’re not on my blog roll? Well . . uh . . . uh . . .I was just going to add it and then I got started on the death benefit margaritas and . . . hic . . .

      I’m stumbling down into the wordpress basement to push some buttons and you name will be up in lights on my blog next time you come by . . . hic . . . .:D

  5. Australia is being inundated by this sort of crap. Offering 70 year-olds $20,000 death payouts for their families with no prior health checks and all for ‘the cost of a cup of coffee a week’……..only to find out that next year the premium increases to something like ‘the cost of a cup of coffee every hour’. If it seems too good to be true……….

  6. It sure makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when companies like triple A take the time to find out my name: Jackquelyn E Bensen, and send me letters with exciting NEWS and ONE TIME OFFERS. Triple A and AARP should get together with all these great deals and benefits before you die.

    • I don’t know Jackie, they are pretty tempting. Remember the AARP bottled water carrying bag for your trunk? The AARP emblazoned across the front. And all you had to do was sign up to pay them $54 a year for absolutely nothing! I mean that had to be a crowd pleaser!

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